Kristen Jokinen

From Joy Ride
Cover of Joy Ride
Joy Ride: A Bike Odyssey from Alaska to Argentina
Kristen Jokinen 
Available May 2023
290 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9988257-5-5

Daniel Hope

From The Inevitable
Cover of The Inevitable
The Inevitable: A Novel
Daniel Hope 
Introduction by Lidia Yuknavitch
Available October 2023
384 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 9780998825779

Sidney Morrison

From Frederick Douglass

Available Jun 2024

Cover of Frederick Douglass
Frederick Douglass: A Novel
Sidney Morrison 
Available June 2024
680 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9988257-9-3

Natalie Singer

From California Calling
Cover of California Calling
California Calling: A Self-Interrogation
Natalie Singer 
Available March 2018
291 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9988257-1-7

Poe Ballantine

From Whirlaway
Cover of Whirlaway
Whirlaway: The Great American Loony Bin, Horseplaying, & Record-collecting Novel
Poe Ballantine 
Available April 2018
192 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9970683-9-9

Teruo Kurosaki

From True Portland
Cover of True Portland
True Portland: The Unofficial Guide for Creative People
Teruo Kurosaki 
Available July 2017
304 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9970683-0-6
Cover of Narrow River, Wide Sky
Narrow River, Wide Sky
Jenny Forrester 
Available May 2017
212 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9970683-5-1
Cover of Motherhood Made a Man Out of Me
Motherhood Made a Man Out of Me
Karen Karbo 
Introduction by Whitney Otto
Available October 2016
228 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9970683-1-3

Kerry Cohen

From Girl Trouble
Cover of Girl Trouble
Girl Trouble: An Illustrated Memoir
Kerry Cohen 
Available October 2016
136 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9970683-3-7
Cover of The Inventors
The Inventors
Peter Selgin 
Introduction by Lidia Yuknavitch
Available March 2016
412 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9893604-7-0
Cover of Violation
Violation
Sallie Tisdale 
Available March 2016
368 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9904370-8-6

Steven Gillis

From Benchere in Wonderland
Cover of Benchere in Wonderland
Benchere in Wonderland: A Novel
Steven Gillis 
Available September 2015
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9904370-5-5

Janet Sternburg

From White Matter
Cover of White Matter
White Matter: A Memoir of Family and Medicine
Janet Sternburg 
Available September 2015
232 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9893604-9-4

Megan Kruse

From Call Me Home
Cover of Call Me Home
Call Me Home: A Novel
Megan Kruse 
Introduction by Elizabeth Gilbert
Available February 2015
280 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9904370-0-0
Cover of Food Lover's Guide to Portland
Food Lover's Guide to Portland
Liz Crain 
Available May 2014
204 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9893604-6-3


Elizabeth Cooperman

From Life Is Short – Art Is Shorter
Cover of Life Is Short – Art Is Shorter
Life Is Short – Art Is Shorter: In Praise of Brevity

& Elizabeth CoopermanDavid Shields 
Available April 2015
336 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9893604-5-6
Cover of The Diamond Lane
The Diamond Lane
Karen Karbo 
Introduction by Jane Smiley
Available October 2014
432 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9893604-4-9

Halfway to town was Solitary Hill and the drive-in
movies, and Irene knelt backwards in the seat of Grey’s truck
to see the Friday night reel alight.

“Can’t we go to the pictures?”
“Maybe later. Let’s see the fights first.”
“But I don’t like fights.”
“ You said you wanted to come.”
She sighed.
“After the fights we’ll do something else,” Grey said.
“See the pictures?”
“Maybe.”
“Why maybe?”
“ You don’t even watch them. You just fall asleep.”
She laughed. On another night she would not be dragged
to the pictures.
“So we’ll go?”
“Maybe.”

The boxing troupe was set on an empty dirt lot behind the
Railway Hotel. The scattered crowd only half-filled the lot. Grey
picked out Matt Thiebaud, Raughrie Norman and Hart Bates.
Bates was the younger brother of Rod Bates, the boy Eccleston
fought on the night of the fires fourteen-years ago. He had taken
to tagging along with Raughrie Norman since Norman began spending three days a week shovelling sawdust at the sawmill for
a little less than a living.

Mahony banged his bass drum and called the last of his
fighters up to the scaffold where Eccleston already stood beside
a shirtless raw-boned boy in jeans. On the other side of the boy
was a pot-bellied gas worker who looked more than sixty. Standing
beside the challengers were Mahony’s fighters: a young
Italian-looking boy; a toothless Aborigine of indeterminable age,
who Mahony said had lost his last six fights; and a short, heavily
muscled man with grey temples and tattoos that ran the lengths
of his arms.

Grey put his arm around Irene’s shoulders and pressed
through the loose gathering. Eccleston winked at Irene from the
scaffold and she gave him a half-hearted, nervous smile.
Inside the tent the crowd of high-school kids and district
farm boys pushed hard up beside a thick rope that made a
circle on the dirt. The rope would be the ring and the crowd the
ropes. Irene held Grey’s hand tight as he pushed them into a
good enough position to see Eccleston fight but not so close as
to be dangerous. Often enough at these shows people in the front
row were punched squarely in the face or trodden or fallen on.

“Can you see?”
“ Yes,” she answered, but the light had gone out of her face.

Once in the ring, the same toothless black troupe fighter
who on the scaffold had been on a six-fight losing streak Mahony
announced as having won his last twelve by knockout. The
silver-haired conman smiled and blew the whistle for the bout.
The crowd howled as the toothless black fighter danced around
the pot-bellied old man and did not throw a punch. The old
man stood square and made circles with his gloves. The troupe
fighter threw a haymaker that was intended to miss, and the
crowd whistled and howled. He ducked the first serious punch
of the bout and came inside with a quick combination, slamming
the old man’s face and then stomach. The old man grimaced
and bent over to let blood run from his nose and rubbed his
belly with his gloves. Mahony sneered. He did not like the fights
to finish too soon. He spoke in his fighter’s ear. The old man
shaped up again. Despite his lowered guard, the old man took a
blow to the kidneys that was not meant to hurt him, yet he fell
to his knees. The crowd jeered but the old man did not get up. He
looked very sick this time. Grey looked down at his sister who
was no longer watching the ring.

“I don’t like these people.”
She spoke just loud enough beneath the crowd for him to
hear.
“All right,” he said, and he knew he had been a fool to bring
her. “We’ll just stay to watch Ook.”
There was an emaciated official whose job it was to glove
the local fighters, but Eccleston’s gloves were tied in a corner of
the tent by Matt Thiebaud. Thiebaud pulled the gloves tight and
got Eccleston to squeeze and open his hand while Raughrie
Norman stood by to no purpose. Grey caught his sister peeking
back through the bodies of the crowd at the broad-shouldered
boy she knew well but who seemed strange to her now, slamming
his gloved fists together and looking fiercely ring-ward.
The Italian-looking boy that Mahony called Kid Valentine
limbered up in the human ring, eyes gleaming with hollow
confidence. But Eccleston would not be rushed. When his gloves
were tied the fight began.

Eccleston pushed hard and close into Kid Valentine’s body
so the boy could not get a decent punch off and was forced to
wheel back to regain his reach. With the boy unsteady on his back
foot, Eccleston threw a short left hook into his mouth then hit
him with his favoured right and blood flew into the air and onto
the dirt and the troupe fighter fell into the crowd on his back.
Grey felt a pull on his shirt and Irene looked up at him with confused
and teary eyes.
“All right,” he said.

They went to the town’s café and shared a toasted cheese
sandwich and an iced coffee. In a while Grey saw Eccleston come
onto the street with the boys slapping him on the back and
smiling. Twenty dollars a minute and three three-minute rounds.
He had earned a decent purse for the night. Grey knew the boys
would go to one or other of the bigger district towns now to
squander the better part of the money between them. Eccleston
looked around on the street for him. Grey did not call out.
Eccleston had seen Irene was with him and would understand.
He parked the truck by the back fence and they walked to
Lake Wivenhoe.

He did not expect to find the boys at the lake. He thought
they would already be gone. By the time he was aware of them it
was too late to turn back.

“Where were you this afternoon?’ Thiebaud called.
“I was there. I left early. Where’s Ook?”
“He’s comin later. He had somethin or other to do with Pos.
The whisky run, probably.”
“Easy win?”
“Not so easy in the end. He had some fight in him, that
bastard.”

Grey sat down on a hessian sack and Irene sat beside him.
Wisps of red cloud drifted under a frayed grey blanket like
loosed flares. Drowned eucalypts stood in the shallows of the lake
and the rippling water slapped against them. Then the red
clouds turned white and were shredded by the wind and the boys
sat in a deep blue dusk.

“She go with you everywhere?’ said Hart Bates, leaning
back with a bottle of beer.
Grey glanced at his sister. She tried not to look embarrassed.
He glared at Bates and the boy turned away and hurled a stone
into the lake. Bates said something under his breath to Raughrie
Norman. It was not a great insult – only that there was no point
carting around girls who were not good for the one thing girls
were good for. Still, Raughrie Norman shook his head and refused
to answer.

Thiebaud threw an empty beer bottle that struck Bates on
the shoulder. He talked through his cigarette.

“Hart, if you weren’t so clever as you are, you’d be an idiot.”
“Lucky for me.”
“Real lucky.”
Grey smiled reassurance at his sister. He asked the boys
where they were going.
“Toogoolawah, Crows Nest, Villeneuve,” Thiebaud said.
“We’ll see when Ook gets here. You comin?”
“I think I’ll stay home.”
He knew Irene would not go back to the restaurant now,
even if Amy was working.
Grey stood and said that they had things to do. Thiebaud
reached up to loosely shake Grey’s hand and said he would see
him tomorrow.

They walked back toward the house.

A bulky figure with a bushel cornsack rolled up on his
shoulder appeared out of the blue dark. Another body came
behind, scrawny and black like one of the scrub trees in the flat
country to the west.

Eccleston said he had been at Grey’s house. Grey said the
boys were still waiting. Eccleston talked through his smoke and
asked if Grey was coming out with them tonight and Grey shook
his head. Eccleston mussed Irene’s hair.

“ You’re going to Toogoolawah.”
“Reckon so. Came into some money. You saw the fight?”
“I saw part of it. You feel all right?”
“ Yeah.”
“What about the other boy?”
“He’s all right.”

The old black man trailing Eccleston was Possum Gallanani.
After Eccleston returned from Borallon, Possum continued the
education begun by the boy’s father. He taught Eccleston how to
break horses and how to track brumbies by the marks they made
with their teeth in trees, and he and the boy worked for three
months taking colts and fillies out of the Carnarvon Gorge and
turning them into saddle horses – stealing cattle that had escaped
into the national park meanwhile. But “No jobs now for old
blackfella,” Possum would say. And it was true. He did not have
the know-how to apply for a social security check. He did not
have a bank account. He could neither read nor write. He lived
off money from a scant few jobs for August Tanner and from his
illegal whisky run.

“What’s up with Pos?”
Eccleston smiled.

The old man whimpered and clutched his behind.
“He got shot with salt pellets,” Eccleston said, “cuttin home
across Tanner’s northwest country from my place.”
“Just now?”
“Just now.”
“What were you up to, Pos?”

Possum grunted with disgust. Eccleston spoke for him.
“He was usin my keg to make his whisky, then was sneakin
it back home in the dark.”

Many old men of the country made their own drink, but a
black man carrying homemade liquor along the highway at
night was a needless temptation to offer already bored police.
So the clandestine route.

“Why the hell would Tanner have reason to shoot?’ Grey
said.

“He reckons someone’s been strippin the heads off his
milo for birdseed. The old bastard’s been sittin out there in the
afternoons watchin for his thief.”
“Pos?”
“ Yep. But he doesn’t use it for birdseed. He mashes it up
and eats it himself.”
Possum gave another groan of pain.
“He’ll be all right,” Eccleston said. “I’ve been hit with
those things before.”
He said they had already taken out the pellets with tweezers.
The word “tweezers’ drew a wail from the old Aborigine.
“I was on the fuggin creek,” he said. “Tanner yells at me the
creek’s the Queen’s land. I said to im, I never seen er walkin it!”
The boys laughed.

“The Queen’s too busy cartin whisky up and down creeks
in England,” said Eccleston. “And anyway, you don’t know how to
walk this country, old man, that’s why you ended up shot.”
“I can walk anywhere within a thousand miles a ere. When
I’m sober. Before me eyes went bad, I could.”
It was true that a film of sun-induced cataracts lay over
the old man’s red eyes.
Eccleston smiled.
“ You went to the house?’ said Grey.
“That’s right.”
“How was Bill?”

He shrugged and Grey nodded. It was a hopeless hope –
that he might have been able to leave Irene at home after all.
They left Eccleston and Possum on their way to the lake.
The lights of cars leaving town banded the western dark.
Irene climbed onto the round bonnet of her brother’s
truck and Grey told her to wait for him there. The sky was blown
clean of cloud now and the firmament hung over them in full
gleaming array. Irene lay back on the windscreen.

She could name much of the night sky – Sirius and Canopus
and Rigel and Betelgeuse, which she called “belting geese’,
and the lesser stars too, all at a glance. She took the names from
a survey of astronomy that her mother had used at school. She
knew to the night and to the hour what would rise. She quizzed
Grey on which luminaries were which – which were stars and
which were planets – but his eyes were not strong enough to see
the absence of flicker in the planets and it was a game she always
won.

Inside the house their father was asleep. Grey wrote a note
and put it under the bedside lamp. He changed his shirt and
wet his face and hair and came back outside.

Irene told him there was going to be a meteor shower
tonight, the Alpha Centaurids. Sister Charbel had said so at
school. But so far she had seen nothing.

“Let’s go for a drive,” Grey said.
Irene jumped off the bonnet and landed awkwardly on
her feet.
“Where are we going?”
“Around.”
“To the pictures?”
“There’s most likely nothing on.”
“Where then? Vanessa’s?”
“Why not?”
“Can’t we do something else?”
“What’s wrong with Vanessa?”
“Nothing, I spose.”

But for the second time in the night the light had gone out
of her eyes.

Cover of The Mary Smokes Boys
The Mary Smokes Boys
Patrick Holland 
Available February 2014
256 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 9780989360401
Cover of The End of Eve
The End of Eve
Ariel Gore 
Available December 2013
240 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 9780986000799

Book One: Hank & Ben
Part one: Got to go pal

1.
The Maroni

Like most love affairs, Hank and I didn’t start off so good. In
fact I hated his guts. Every time Jeske called on him, which was
every week, Hank read his sentences out loud to the class and it
never failed, Jeske always praised him as if Hank was the next
Nadine Gordimer, or Louise Glück, or Harold Brodkey. Jeske even
had a special name for Hank. Maroni. That’s what he called Hank.
You’ve really knocked the ball out of the park this time, Maroni! You
really nailed it on the head, pal! Just take a look at that, would you!
Columbia University, winter quarter, 1985. Twelve weeks
of a three-hour-long night class in a hot big bright amphitheater
room. Jeske down in front of us, trim, natty, silver hair, in some
kind of military hat. Skin that was flushed from too many cigarettes.
Something classy about him, one of those New England
guys who just stepped off his sailboat. Our eyes on him. Our
eyes never left him. You never knew what he was going to do next.
Every class he bragged how he went three hours without pissing.
Wednesdays six to nine. Thirty-six fucking hours and Jeske
never called on me. Not one time. Forty people in that class and
everybody got at least one chance, but not me. A couple others in
class Jeske liked besides Hank, but to my ears it was all Maroni!
Maroni! Maroni!
Then came that class. The last class of the semester. The
last part of the last hour. The last reader. Finally Thomas Jeske,
Commodore Fiction himself, called on me. Fuck. My body did
that separating thing where all of a sudden I’m way out there somewhere
looking down at me sitting in a bright room in an amphitheater
chair, the fake wood desk top flap out flat, my faraway
hands trying to hold my pages still. I’m trying to find my breath,
keep my asshole tight, trying to keep my chin from turning into
rubber bands. All the rules I didn’t know how to get right: Never
go beneath the surface. Speak with a burnt tongue. It’s not writing,
it’s making. Take the approach that rebukes your own nature. Never
explain. Never complain. Latinate Latinate Latinate.
I took the knife, put it to my chest, punched hard in, cut
down and around, pulled my throbbing heart out and laid it down
on the page. But I wasn’t bleeding enough. The words sounded
stupid. My voice in the fluorescent amphitheater did not project,
was too high, cracking like an adolescent whose balls had just
dropped. Fuck. There was no getting away from it. I sounded the
way I always sounded: a Catholic boy with a big apology. Then
the long pause. The long piece of silence after where all there was,
was my breath. A drop of sweat rolled down the inside of my arm.
Everything gets bright and hot and full.
The eleventh hour! Jeske cries out, Way to go, pal! Grunewald’s
pulled it out of his ass on the eleventh hour!
Looking back on that day now, I wonder. Maybe that was
the first time for Hank. That he really looked at me.
The first time I really looked at Hank, really stopped and
looked, was during one of Jeske’s classes. By then I knew who
Hank was, of course. How could you not know The Maroni? But
this one particular class I’m talking about, there was a moment
that everything went away and my eyes filled up with nothing
but Hank Christian.
In the middle of one of Jeske’s lectures, there was a loud
crash in the hall. You might think so what, a loud crash in the
hall – on most college campuses that doesn’t mean much. But
when it’s night and it’s Columbia University, the hallway outside
your classroom door is really a New York street. After the crash,
Jeske quit talking and we in the class all looked around at each
other. There was a way you could tell Jeske wanted to go to the
open door and check out the situation, but he hesitated. I saw him
do it. Hesitate. Something you don’t figure Commodore Fiction
to do. His thin body did a quick lean toward the door for a second,
then stopped because he thought better. Hank saw it too. Oh!
Commodore! My! Commodore! Hank saw the Commodore of the
mighty ship stall. He was up and out of his seat just like that.
Hank’s a big guy. Big arms, big chest. Twenty-seven to my
thirty-seven years.
Thirty-seven years old. Columbia University. I’ve always
been a late bloomer.
That day, as Hank made his way through the seats and down
to the doorway, Hank was holding his body that way he does.
He pushes out and raises up his chest, pulls his chin down, his
shoulders down, and flexes his biceps. I’ve seen Hank do that
a lot. Usually he does that when he’s trying to express something
inside him that’s big – as if his body is literally trying to push the
thought or the feeling that’s inside him out, but that day in class
Hank was puffing up for another reason. He was on a mission.
I’ve never seen Hank do anything so perfect, so true to
who he was. Hank stood himself in the doorway, at the portal, at
attention, elbows out touching each side of the door. Our linebacker,
our protector, our bodyguard, our hero.
Immediately I was embarrassed for him. Such an obvious
show of macho. I mean, what was Maroni trying to prove? That he
could save our sinking ship from the big, bad pirates in the hallway?
Yet maybe there were pirates in the hallway! Maybe the
loud crash was a street gang, or some crazy motherfucker. Maybe
with a gun. Then what was Maroni going to do? Stop the bullet?
Saint Hank Christian, Guardian of the Doorway. At that
moment, I had no idea what a friend, a lover, what a hero, Hank
would be to me. All I could know was what I saw. His darkbrown
hair down to his shoulders. Lots of hair back then, the
eighties, plus a mustache too. Almost as big as mine. Beneath his
deep-set eyes – eyes with his complexion you’d figure would
be blue, but weren’t, were dark, almost black, under the efficient
line of Roman nose, above the square jaw a bit of cleft, straight
teeth, Hank’s sweet smiling lips that one day no matter what I was
going to kiss.
Sure made Jeske proud. Pretty soon, a bunch of other guys,
but not me, were up at the door standing with Hank.
Some months later , when I didn’t hate Hank anymore, when
I was getting to know Hank, I asked Hank what Maroni meant.
He said something about how Maroni was Italian for how guys
talk to one another. Like dude maybe, or buddy, or pal. I never did
get it exactly what Maroni meant. But that was just Hank. He
always played his cards close to his chest, especially at the beginning.
It wasn’t that he had something to conceal. Hank liked
to say he was a ghost. A warrior ghost. He touched the world and
when he was done he left no trace. What was left of him was his
sentences on the page.
No wonder I fell in love with him. Seduce the laconic
straight guy. Not necessarily to fuck him, but to bring him out.
And not out like coming out, but out in the sense of inner workings
revealed. If I could understand my father, if my father could
actually be someone I could know, by knowing him, I could gauge
myself against him, and discover how I was and how I was not
like him.
Those first four or five weeks, though, Hank was fucking
Maroni, Jeske’s private ass kisser. Then it was Saint Hank Christian
Guardian of the Doorway, but when it really happened big
time was the night at Ursula Crohn’s apartment. The first time
Hank actually put his body next to me. As soon as he spoke, out
of Hank’s sweet lips the blow, some kind of frenzy in my heart.
Somebody who does that. Reveals you to yourself. You can’t
help but love.

Book Two:Ben & Ruth
16. The promise

Ruth’s nickname for me is Queen Lowlighta because of all
the small atmosphere lamps and lava lamps with soft glows I’ve
got all around my room. The night she called me that we were
both a little surprised. After all, I was her teacher and she was my
student and there she was calling me Queen.
Fucking Ruth Dearden, man.
One Saturday night in March, I’ve asked Ruth to rent Last
Tango In Paris. Upbeat it’s not. But I’m ready for some art. Big
Ben shows up and says I need some art. Ruth’s never seen the
movie so when the movie’s over it’s just Ruth and me in my little
space in the lean-to that used to be my office that’s now my
Queen Lowlighta bedroom fixed the way Cancers can make little
homes out of nothing. It’s close to midnight. Outside it’s raining
buckets. I’m lying in my bed under a blanket and Ruth is lying
on top of the blanket next to me. Really, we’re so under the spell
of the movie, we aren’t at all uncomfortable lying close the way
we are. Besides I’m under the blanket and she’s on top. That
evening I’ve showered and shaved and I’m in fresh pajamas. So
I don’t smell the way I think I usually smell. Ruth’s in jeans and
her Peruvian sweater. Her shoes are off. Long slender white feet.
All of a sudden, Little Ben is trying hard to say something
to Ruth about how much I appreciate her and all she’s done and
how close I feel to her and how thankful I am for her generosity
of spirit. It’s all coming out awkward and full of clichés. Horribly
fucking wrong, really stupid, and so I kiss her. On the lips,
soft. Like Saint Bernadette would kiss you. The way Hank and I
used to kiss. A kiss full of love and appreciation and respect and
agape. That kind of kiss.
Ruth doesn’t kiss back. I mean her lips just stay flat and let
my puckered lips touch hers. Something happens in the room.
But it’s not in the room, it’s in Ruth. Ruth’s up off the bed and
has her socks on, and her shoes and she’s out the door. As she
leaves the room, she calls back:
“Thank you, Ben,” she says, “Goodnight.”
It’s two weeks before I see Ruth again. There are dinners
frozen that I can eat and groceries that show up on my doorstep
but no Ruth. I think I’ve lost my friend for good. How is it that
when I get close to a woman I always fuck it up?

***

“Ruth,” I say.
My lips are doing that strange rubbery thing. I’m glad it’s
dark. But then I realize my face has got moon on it and Ruth can
see my face. Where is Big Ben when you really need him?
“I don’t know if I love you the way you want me to love you,”
I say, “But you gotta know what pleasure and solace you give me.
Really I owe you my life. Plus the way you fucking make me
laugh, man.”
Ruth’s hand reaches up, touches my forehead.
“I’m a gay man,” I say, “ With some long-ago exceptions.
And the only way it’s possible that you and I could work is if we’re
completely honest. I can’t promise you anything except that I’ll
be honest.”
Ruth’s fingers along my cheek, down to my chin. Somewhere
in there I realize she’s tracing the shadows on my face,
the moonlight.
“I don’t want you any other way,” Ruth says, “I love you,
Ben, and I’ll always love you no matter what.”
“I promise,” Ruth says.
The way Ruth is earnest, fervent. Such abandon in her voice.
So much hope. Moments of intimacy and passion how easy it
is to promise. I remember smiling to myself. So many times I’ve
gone back to that moment when Ruth said I love you Ben I promise
and I remember smiling. At her innocence. At how much I
needed to hear I wasn’t alone, that someone was there. Ruth was
there, was promising love.

Book Three: Hank & Ruth
20. Stink Eye

Ruth has finished the edits on the last chapter
of my novel so that next morning Hank and I drive to Ruth’s house.
That’s what I told myself for a long time. That the reason
I introduced Hank to Ruth was because he just happened to be
there the day I picked up the final edits.
Final edits. I know you’ve got it by now the relationship
between Ruth and me was complicated. She saved my life and
she was a pain in my ass and every fucking possible nuanced
psychological aspect in between.
There’s one specific part of our relationship, though, that I
haven’t really stepped up to talk about.
As a writer, your editor is the only person in the world you
allow in. Where what is invisible through your breath becomes
structured. Where you exist the best and are the most vulnerable.
The only place that is holy. Where you tell your truth from. How
the words rise up out of you, in there in between your soul and its
utterance. Your ecstasy.
Your editor. Your fucking editor, man.
Ruth Dearden is your editor.
That afternoon, Hank puts his sunglasses on before we
go out. The glass is so dark it’s black.
“Never leave the house without them in the daylight,”
Hank says.
It’s two in the afternoon and it’s already getting dark.
“ You call this daylight?”
“Ultraviolet,” Hank says, “Is my enemy.”
In my driveway, my green Volkswagen was covered with a
canvas and at least two years of leaves. I hadn’t driven that car
in months. No idea if it would start. In fact, it didn’t. Had to push
it out from the driveway and get it pointed down the hill. Hank
and I pushed then I jumped in and popped the clutch. Never
fails on a Volkswagen. Unless the generator’s bad. Hank didn’t ask
me no questions about my expired driver’s license. He just got
in the car, slammed the door. Drizzling rain. Crazy fucking windshield
wipers moving like paraplegics. Cigarette butts in the
ashtray from years back. No heat. The exhaust backfiring. The
driver’s door won’t stay shut and I have to hold it closed with my
armpit. Hank and I driving up Hawthorne Blvd., Hawthorne to
SE 60th, then onto Pine. Thank God they’re both left turns or I’d
have lost the door completely. Plus I’d forgotten. The horn honks
whenever you make a right turn and more times than not, the
horn got stuck.
Quite an adventure getting to Ruth’s house. To meet our
destiny.
Ruth’s brick house is on a hill and it’s just as I pull up in
front and pull the emergency brake that I realize I’ve never
driven myself to Ruth’s house before. It’s always been in Ruth’s
Honda Civic, Ruth who drove.
So the only time I drive to Ruth’s house is the only time I
have Hank with me.
Years later, now of course, I can see what I couldn’t see
then. I dusted off my old Volkswagen, pushed it down the hill,
jumpstarted it, then drove across town illegally, in the rain, the
windshield wipers not working, the windshield covered in
steam, holding the door closed with my armpit because of some
pages Ruth could have sent me in the mail? And this from a guy
who was still afraid to leave his house.
The truth is I wanted Hank and Ruth to meet. For a bunch
of reasons I didn’t have a clue about. I mean really, no doubt
about it, Ruth and I had gone through the wringer. Over two years
of trying to make sense of what was going on between us, we’d
fucked each other up pretty good. And by that time we were only
speaking when we had to talk about the edits. Still, no matter
what I say about her, I have to admit it. Ruth was the one who
went through the wars with me. Day by day, man. Nobody else,
family or friends, had made that kind of commitment. Yeah,
there was Ephraim, but he was seven hundred miles away.
So I guess I wanted Hank to meet the only other person
who was still alive I had a strong connection with. Even if that
strong connection was full of shit and resentment.
Then too I knew how much Ruth wanted to meet Hank.
Like with all my students, the way I’d talked up Hank Christian
over the years, Hank was a literary John Lennon to her. The
truth is, I wanted to be there, in the moment, when I presented
my hero, my beloved, to Ruth, in the flesh. It was a way of proving
that it wasn’t all talk, that I really knew the famous Hank
Christian, and here he is and ain’t I cool.
And something else that was more difficult to see. Took me
years. Ruth’s care for me had been a mother’s care. Most men
with women get past the mother thing and miraculously somehow
turn it around and then want to fuck the mother. I’ll never
understand how they do it, but that’s how it goes.
The truth is, deep down, the way Hank was suffering, some
part of me wanted to introduce him to a woman he could trust,
a woman with the healing powers of a mother, Ruth Dearden, the
woman who had saved my life.
And Ruth: the man I couldn’t be for her, had just arrived in
the flesh.

Cover of I Loved You More
I Loved You More
Tom Spanbauer 
Available December 2013
444 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9860007-8-2

Monica Wesolowska

Birth

From Holding Silvan

In the morning , the phone next to my hospital
bed rings. Stepping from the shower, my skin scrubbed of
the sweat and blood of yesterday’s triumphant labor, I slip past
David to pull on my old robe and head for the phone. I’m not
worried. I’m expecting another friend, a relative, more words of
congratulation to match my sudden pleasure in my baby – a
healthy, full-term boy who waits for me in the nursery – but the
woman on the other end of the line is a stranger.

“Hello, darling,” the stranger says in a husky, soothing
voice. She is calling from another hospital. She says she needs
to clear up some confusion about the spelling of my name
before the transfer. I, too, am confused. When I tell the stranger
that I don’t understand, that I am about to go down the hall to
collect my baby because it’s time to nurse, she says, “I’m so sorry
to be the one to tell you, darling.”

With these vague but tender words, the ecstatic glow of
motherhood that has surrounded me since Silvan’s birth begins
to fade.

An ambulance waits; the transfer is happening any minute.
Wrapped still in my dirty robe with its stiff patch of dried blood
in back, I open the bathroom door and try to convey the stranger’s
words to David hidden in the steam. Though David has told me
his worries about Silvan since the birth, I’ve dismissed them
all as mere symptoms of new fatherhood.

“Wait for me,” he says turning off the water, but there is
no way.

If I could, I would fly to my son.

In the nursery, five people stand around Silvan’s bed. Five
people. This is the baby’s “transport team” as someone puts
it – two people to wheel the bed, one to drive, two more “just in
case.” In case of what? In the night, when the resident had
taken Silvan from me because he would not stop crying – mewls
like a kitten, peeps like a bird – she only wanted me to sleep.
She’d promised to bring him back when it was time to nurse. Even
when she returned a few hours later to tell me they needed to
keep Silvan for “observation,” I hadn’t begun to worry. I was too
tired, too happy. I’d roused myself to go down to the nursery to
see what they were worried about – cute little fist curls they called
seizures. I’d held Silvan until I thought I’d pass out, then
returned to bed without him. Nine months of hope is a hard habit
to break. Besides, even if they were right in the night, he is totally
calm now, sleeping peacefully. At last, he has stopped crying.
Surely this is a good sign?

“It’s the phenobarbital,” they say.

I would stay beside his bed until they’ve wheeled him off
to the ambulance, but a nurse comes in. She’s been searching
for me, racing around coordinating my discharge. She needs me
back in my room for an exam by a midwife. There’s paperwork
to do, a birth certificate to apply for, breast pumping to do. She’s
helpful but unpleasant. “Do you want to be discharged now or
not? Because I have all my ducks in a row.”

Back in our room, my mother has arrived; David’s father
and stepmother, too. I call out to them how cute the baby is –
“just like David” – as they are ushered into the hall. The midwife
spreads my legs. The breast pump arrives and I insert one
breast into each cup, sign a birth certificate, agree to a home visit
from a nurse and who knows what else, while the breast pump
makes its thump and suck. Hospital staff tells me not to be
embarrassed, they’ve seen it all before. David is searching the
room for our possessions, which he stuffs into clear plastic bags
provided by the hospital. The only thing he can’t find is the charger
for his cellphone. It seems a small detail, too small to
mention, but the symbolism is clear: soon we will become almost
impossible to reach.

“Hello Mom. Hello Dad.” Shelley, the husky-voiced receptionist
who’d called earlier, welcomes us to her hospital.
I am slow-moving but not in pain. Back at the other hospital,
the last thing I’d done was put on my shoes and my mother
had praised me for being able to stand on one foot so soon after
birth – as if she herself is not equipped with such maternal
strength. But maybe the recovery of my body matters as much to
her as it does to me: it seems that this is the least I deserve, a
body that can recover swiftly enough to care for a baby who must
have been damaged while inside of me. For even though everything
about my pregnancy and labor and delivery had seemed
blessed, something has obviously gone wrong.

Shelley comes around her desk to hug us.
We are entering her world, the world of the Neonatal
Intensive Care Unit, the dreaded NICU, a world where parents
must dress in hospital scrubs to hold their children. Shelley
shows us the routine: remove watch and jewelry, push sleeves
above elbow, remove sponge and nail-pick from its plastic
package, turn on water by whacking the metal knee pedal, get
soap by depressing the squishy foot pedal, scrub, scrub, scrub
thirty seconds each side, all the way up to the elbow.
On the whiteboard behind Shelley’s desk, I’m shocked to
see my last name listed, proof that parenthood is not going the
way I had imagined. Baby Boy Wesolowska, the whiteboard says,
though our son’s name is Silvan Jerome Fisher.
Dr. A is a strapping man, almost-handsome, with steady,
almost-kind eyes. Almost, I say, because he is not my baby and
my baby is everything in the world right now. Anything else
can only be almost. Dr. A speaks to us clearly and intelligently as
Silvan’s neonatologist. We stand by the side of Silvan’s bassinet.
Unlike many of the babies in bassinets around him, Silvan is
plump and whole. Still he looks odd, lying by himself under a
heat lamp.

Dr. A speaks with optimism but with an honesty that
admits the unknown. His first diagnosis is best-case. “We have
no evidence so far of anything but what we call subdural
hematoma, a blood clot under the skull.” He says this happens
sometimes during labor. After all, he reminds me that I pushed
for several hours to get the baby around my pubic bone. Pushing
for several hours is not uncommon with a first baby, but it’s
not ideal. He holds up his hands to show us the plates of a baby’s
head, and how they are still mobile, moving like continents. They
are supposed to be this way, but sometimes when they crunch
together in the birth canal they cause bleeding which leaves clots.
These clots will shrink with time.

“This may cause seizures for him later in life, or it may not.”
With motherly pride, I assume it will not. And if it does,
well, people live with seizures. My father, after whom Silvan has
taken his middle name Jerome, had two seizures in his twenties.
Though the seizures alarmed and embarrassed him, he went on
to marry, have four children and a significant career.
And yet, as I hear the news, I feel faint. I say, “I have to sit.”
And then I add, “It’s not because of what you’re saying.” Already,
I know it’s important for this man to know that he can speak to
me straight, that I don’t need to be coddled. I like honesty. But I
do feel sick, woozy, and nauseated. Perhaps it’s a postpartum
hot flash. “I just gave birth,” I remind him, apologetic, as someone
wheels a stool my way.

The nurses take over for a while. One brings me a little
square of flannel. “Tuck this inside your bra or somewhere close
to your skin and wear it for a day, then bring it back. We’ll put
it by your baby’s nose so he can smell you while you’re not here.
That will comfort him.” Another brings me bottles and shows me
a room where I can pump milk.

“I know he can’t nurse right now, but when he’s better, we’ll
start with the first bottles and go on from there so he doesn’t
miss anything. That will also keep your own milk supply up and
ready for him.”

I am stunned by their solicitude. Prior to his birth, friends
promoted home births to me. Hospitals, they told me, were
sterile, stressful places that ignored the wisdom of a mother’s
body. At home, they seemed to think, nothing ever went wrong.
But I liked my obstetrician, trusted her to trust me to give birth
naturally. And I’d succeeded. For sixteen hours, I’d imagined
ocean waves arriving and receding, getting high on my own
endorphins as my body moved through novel pain, and then I’d
pushed the baby out … but instead of being alert and drugfree,
he’d been limp and silent. The triumph of that natural labor
is now separating from the outcome as if the two events are
unrelated. If this happened to him in a hospital, I tell myself, it
could have happened anywhere. At least I’m not facing the
blame for having risked a home birth; at least they’re treating
me well, as if I am necessary and important, as if I am his
mother. Because I am his mother, even if he is not in my arms.
We rent a breast pump to take home. That first night without
him, I wake myself every few hours as if I have a newborn waking
me, and sit in the dark living room, open my robe and put the
suction cups on; the industrial-strength whirr and thump begins,
the milk flows, my womb cramps as it’s supposed to do in the
early days of nursing, and I cry. My sobs mingle with the whirr and
thump until David distinguishes the human from the machine
and leaps from bed to wrap his arms around me.

Over and over David leaps from whatever he is doing, sleeping,
eating, talking on the phone, to comfort me, in the shower,
over breakfast, in the car. He stops what he’s doing and focuses on
me. He’s the one who returns phone calls, tells neighbors the
news while I huddle over nothing in the car. He finds us gowns
to put on at the hospital, gets us glasses of water to drink at
Silvan’s bedside. He tends to me so I can tend to our son. He’s
always been good at tending to me. Ever since we met, I’ve
known I could rely on him. This time, he hasn’t stopped moving
since my water broke and he rushed around the house, putting
dishes in the sink, packing my toothbrush, timing my contractions
until – minutes later, it seemed, though David says it was an
hour – it was time, I put on my old brown corduroy coat that
strained at its buttons, and we went off to the hospital together.
Except to sleep, we hardly leave the hospital for the next
few days. For hours and hours we are out of contact with everyone
but immediate family – David’s father and stepmother,
my mother, my brother and his girlfriend, David’s sister and her
boyfriend – who gather in the hallway outside. I was already on
maternity leave when I went into labor, but David has to call his
boss that first morning home, and his boss tells him to forget the
world of work. How grateful we feel.

Only two people are allowed at the baby’s bedside at a time.
We take turns bringing them in. Sometimes we let two people
in together while we take a break. We break for the bathroom, for
food down in the cafeteria. On the second afternoon, we actually
leave the hospital for lunch while Silvan is off for a test. David
thinks this is a good idea because the hospital food is so bland it’s
hard to eat and because it will distract us while Silvan is in other
people’s hands.

Going out is torture. All these people eating on their work
breaks, choosing between rye and sourdough as if life itself
hangs in the balance. Just choose and eat, you fools, I think, because
back at the hospital real life is happening.
Indeed, on our return that day from the deli, we find ourselves
holding the doors of the elevator for a baby on a gurney.
We stand back against the walls, one on each side of the elevator
while the baby’s bed is wheeled between us. I hardly want to
look. My own misfortune is enough to bear. But David says,
“Look, it’s Silvan.”
“No it’s not,” I say, almost scornful, for how can he know
better than me?
“ Yes, it is.”
“No it’s not,” I say with certainty, talking over the baby’s
bed, for when they first wheeled Silvan away after birth – “just
for a few minutes” – they’d stopped to show him to me, the very
baby I’d hoped for, looking not at all like me but like his
handsome father: a head of dark hair, eyes ringed with heavy
lashes, broad pink cheeks tapering down to fat red lips etched
against the olive of his skin. When we first came to this second
hospital, wasn’t I the one – bursting with pride – who found him
in his bassinet while David said, “But how do you know that’s
him?” Surely David is confused because newborns all have the
same strange, squashed faces, the same upturned noses. Is it
even possible for a baby who was just inside of me to be out here,
unrecognizable?
“Excuse me,” David says to the hospital staff who have been
ignoring us, looking straight ahead. “That’s Baby Boy Wesolowska,
isn’t it?”

They agree, but warily, as if we might be baby snatchers, or
as if we’ve caught them wheeling our baby around the hospital
for fun, or as if they’ve learned bad news. I can see this last possibility
now, because that is how the next technician behaves a
few hours later. At first she seems glad to see us arrive. Silvan is
in bed, electrodes stuck all over his head, asleep. She assures
us the EEG will not hurt him. She says we can help. She’s very
friendly, telling us how cute he is, cooing over his calm, cute body.
I assume he’s so quiet because of the phenobarbital he’s been
given since the seizures of his first night. He’s always asleep.
She opens her laptop. She herself grows quiet as she studies the
patterns she reads there.
“Okay,” she says pleasantly, “would you mind stroking him
a little?”
With pleasure, I rub his chest, his arms.
“Okay,” she says, “a little harder.”
Still, I stroke him softly.
“Could you pinch him?”
David pinches him.
“A little harder,” she says. And then, “Did you really pinch
him?”

Suddenly, she closes her laptop. She refuses to make eye
contact. She leaves saying nothing at all.
Despite our hopes, the news grows worse. By the third day,
we know the seizures are due to more than hematomas; they
will not just go away with time. There is evidence now that Silvan
has suffered some greater “insult” to his brain. We want to point
out to the doctors that they are being inconsistent. We want to
hold them to an earlier diagnosis, as if to a better deal advertised
in that morning’s paper. We want to go back to those first few
minutes after birth when we thought the only thing wrong was a
slight distress, a slight lethargy. We want our only disappointment
to be that he could not lie on my chest right away. We want
to be relieved that, after wheeling him off for those “few
minutes” to aspirate his lungs, they were able to bring him back
lusty and strong enough to nurse.
We would settle for that.
Instead, we have a baby who was born, who nursed and
cried, but who is now in a coma – this word has been used at
last – and who may die before we even know what’s wrong with
him. Though he seems simply, sweetly asleep, he may never
revive. We wake on our third morning at home to the ringing
phone. My heart hammers as David answers. But no, I can tell
from his end of the conversation that the worst has not
happened. Silvan has not died before I could get dressed for the
day and see him again. But what David says is scary enough.
“A meeting with a neurologist?”
And, “At one o’clock?”
And then, “Can’t you tell me now?”
I’m out of bed, packing a bag to take to the hospital, sanitary
pads, the squirt bottle for my healing stitches. When
David gets off the phone, he says, “The EEG did not look good.”
“But what does that mean?” I ask.
“Brain damage?” David says as if posing a question.
I’m facing him but now my head turns away, then my torso;
I am falling on the bed and all I see is a grey kaleidoscope,
slowly closing on the last spot of light at the end of the tunnel: “I
can’t go on,” I say. This is what my mother felt, I think, lying at the
bottom of the basement stairs after hearing that Mark’s body had
been found. But, even as I have this thought, the sensation passes
because I am not my mother, my son has not killed himself, my
husband is not about to die, and already I can see myself from
the outside, already I’m mocking myself for melodrama, because
I have lived through tragedies before, and this is not a tragedy.
After all, my baby is waiting.
One o’ clock. We sit side-by-side, close but not touching.
I can’t touch David. The situation feels too dangerous; I feel my
brain crouching down, ready to spring. Intellect is how I deal.
Crisis speeds my thinking. We are in an ugly room, narrow as a
hallway, with a too-big table shoved inside it, a box of tissues
in the middle, a blur of faces. Dr. A is there, a resident, a social
worker, a nurse, half a dozen more at least. I’m not looking
at them. I am looking only at the new doctor, the specialist, this
neurologist, who is now in charge it seems. This is her meeting.
She looks twenty-one with her smooth blond hair hanging free.
She looks as if she’d been a girl who once was popular and consequently
had downplayed her brains until one day it occurred
to her that she didn’t have to choose between looks and brains,
she had enough of both to conquer the world. Here she comes,
ready to conquer ours.
“The infant was transferred to this hospital after observed
seizures. The initial impression was subdural hematomas…”
she begins, and then the words keep coming from her, medical
terms, “basal ganglia” and “thalami” and “sagittal sinus.”
I try to stop her. I say, “What does that mean?” but she keeps on
talking as if I’ve said nothing. She seems to think she’s addressing
a panel of experts and not two parents whose need to understand
is urgent. The room feels very bright. She talks about
“burst suppression patterns” and “EEGs.” Again, I say, “What
does that mean?” but as in a dream where one cannot get the
words out, she doesn’t seem to hear me. At last she gets to what
really matters to us. The prognosis.

Cover of Holding Silvan
Holding Silvan: A Brief Life
Monica Wesolowska 
Introduction by Erica Jong
Available March 2013
208 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9860007-1-3

Jay Ponteri

The Manuscript (II)

Frannie asked a mutual friend of ours to show
her where I lived, which he did after her shift had ended at dusk.
I can imagine Frannie’s impetus; perhaps she wanted to sort
out the confusion she must have felt, that is to say, perhaps the
way I continued pouring myself over her butted up against her
knowledge I had this other constructed space of possible desire.
Perhaps she needed to match up her own imagined picture of
my married life (me on the couch reading a book or laptop on lap,
emailing her or who knows what she imagined) with something
actual. She needed to know I was not merely a figment roaming
around the café at which she worked. It’s not unlike when I hide
from my son an object – a ball, an action figure – behind my back,
and he sees my arms looping back around my waist but not what
I hold in my hands, so I have to show him to reaffirm his knowledge
that objects – a compass, a measuring tape – don’t vanish just
because they’ve moved outside one’s field of perception. Or do
they? I guess Frannie wanted a real close look because she and
our mutual friend sneaked around the front yard and peeked in
the bay window, spotting my wife and me lying next to each
other on the couch like teen lovers, watching TV, The Simpsons.
Rarely did we watch The Simpsons, let alone cuddle up together
on the couch; usually we were in different rooms, me in bed with
a book opened and my wife stretched out on the couch, knitting
or listening to records. I cannot recall why my wife and I would’ve
decided to watch TV other than maybe we had had a horrible
fight earlier in the day and were now spending time together in an
attempt to comfort each other, also to draw back into a less
emotional space. Since this instance occurred before my wife had
found the manuscript, I’m guessing (sure about this) the fight
had concerned a home remodeling project (bathroom) – more
specifically how the work cut into my reading time, how I disdained
the work, how I’d regretted letting my wife talk me into
buying a house. The truth is I don’t care to own a house. Why
does our culture place so much value in house ownership? After
my wife and I die, everything we own becomes a nuisance for
my son. We are adding tasks to our son’s future to-do list. What’s
wrong with renting? I don’t want a lot of stuff. To be fair, my wife
didn’t talk me into buying a house, I went along with the whole
thing as if I were her child, not her discerning husband. That is, I
didn’t share the concerns I had about house ownership because
I assumed my opinions were wrong, assumed what was right was
what somebody else thought, was what not only my wife wanted
but what American culture seemed to espouse. Get married.
Buy a house. Procreate. I chalked up my resistance to house ownership
as immaturity, another piece of evidence I was unwilling
to grow up but the new-me, the writer-of-this-manuscript-me,
the me who knows the grass on the other side is yellow and trod
upon and patchy like thoughts, the me who understands there
are many ways to live in this world and that life could end this
afternoon if a bus plowed over me or if a stray bullet blasted my
heart or brain, this me now knows better, knows the hours
wasted sitting at the desk of some asshole mortgage broker are
gone forever and if I could do that over, I know, I can’t, but if I
could, but why even bother with this line of regret? The next day,
after the mutual friend reported all this back to me, I felt heartbroken.
Frannie had been so close to my bedroom, to my books,
to the bed where I fell into restful naps. To her, my wife and I
likely appeared as felicitous intimates. Conversely, Frannie saw
herself as the other woman, her nose pushed against a glass wall
fogged with her own sour breath, she was the woman about whom
my wife knew nothing. I imagine Frannie realized in this instant
she could no longer hold still as I extended my reach towards
her. A few days later up at the counter I told Frannie I had some
news for her (new book forthcoming by Alice Munro), and with
her voice peeved and ironic like a needle popping a balloon, she
said, — You’re getting a divorce. Her face with its spindly gaze
and locked lips and her thumb thwacking the countertop next to
the tip jar (looking empty I might add) exacerbated my feelings
of profligacy. Frannie turned around and flipped a sandwich
burning on the panini grill while some newbie rang me up. Her
comment that day made it seem as if my attraction to her (my
continued presence at the café, emails, books I gifted her) was a
source of pain damaging her livelihood. Yet so oblivious (so
inwardly drawn) was I that it seemed impossible Frannie have
feelings for me or Frannie feel my feelings for her. I was filled with
love for her yet I couldn’t at all acknowledge this or the behavior
arising from my feelings – that is, I couldn’t see any of this as actual.
Before my wife had read my manuscript, Frannie had
attended a reading I’d given at a community college. My wife
attended too and yes, I was anxious that my wife and Frannie
would be enclosed within the same four walls. It felt as if I were
directing a play of one of my sleeping dreams in which people
from disparate parts of my life gathered in a single room. These
people, all played by themselves, seemed to take direction
from my repressed desires. My character read aloud a story I’d
written about a slovenly, self-absorbed young man who loses
his dog. My wife sat mid-room, hands in lap, face attentive while
in the back left corner, tight-lipped Frannie, aggressively resisting
my eye contact, stared at her hands – more like reproached her
hands, one rubbing the other á la Lady Macbeth. We seemed
to all play our assigned roles: asshole man, wife in the dark, and
agitated other woman. Afterwards Frannie exited stage left
whereas others, wife included, hung around to compliment me
or thank me for inviting them. I can imagine my wife reading
that last sentence, not at all enjoying the fact that I lumped wife
in with others, not enjoying the inconspicuous syntactical signals,
e.g., the word wife tucked inside a parenthetical phrase (a
mere afterthought), embedded within the already forlorn dependent
clause relegated to the sentence’s end, like coffee dregs or
the last, weak hit off a cigarette. Later that night, Frannie emailed
me telling me how much she’d enjoyed the reading and what parts
of the story were her favorites. She ended with: Sorry I couldn’t
tell you this to your face. Her tone struck me as apologetic but
blunt too, so what seemed left unsaid was Sorry I couldn’t be in the
same room with your wife because I have feelings for you and I
don’t want to be hurt or hurtful or perhaps the unsaid was I know
you have feelings for me and I have somewhat complicated feelings,
scant feelings for you so don’t blame me if I’m uncomfortable around
your wife whom you barely discuss in my company or emails. I
wished the unsaid was I wanted to be there with you, to see your face,
to take you in. That night I didn’t sleep. I thought about Frannie,
thought about how hurtful my behavior was, how Frannie felt
my feelings for her. My God, did I think I was living in a bubble?
Yes, I did – I lived in the bubble of my imagination.

Cover of Wedlocked
Wedlocked
Jay Ponteri 
Available April 2013
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9838504-8-9

The smoke and steam from the newly arrived train fell from
his shoulders like a cape, and stepping free of it the world’s
most famous banker came into daylight and drew from under his
arm a copy of the New York Times, dated 21st December. With
better visibility he was able to read again the headline: “Great
Inventor’s Triumph of the Electric Light”, before he refolded the
paper and set his silver-tipped mahogany cane on the warped
boards, its crisp tap a telegraphic message to all within earshot
that he was about to make his move and that the way should be
cleared. He had come alone and in secret. The last thing he needed
today was a fanfare. He intended this visit to Menlo Park
to meet the great Thomas Alva Edison to be a complete surprise.

A station boy at Menlo saw the banker’s face and retreated
as if from a phantom. The ferocity of that expression was truly
menacing, but how could this child with a broken broom know
what Wall Street had to remind itself of daily: that this look of
rage was the man’s neutral face, his mood at zero, the norm. Such
ferocity was merely the price you paid for holding the keys to
the world’s treasury.

And then there was his nose. No prominent figure in
history had been lumbered with such a nose, not even Giovanni
de’Medici, whose prodigious papal profile necessitated the
Vatican’s first rectangular coin. But J. Pierpont Morgan, the
“Napoleon of Wall Street” – as The Times had christened him – was
strangely pleased with his own disfigurement, and he would
not swap it now for the prettiest nose in Christendom. It was as
if to say, “I am extraordinary. And so I will look extraordinary.”

As severe a case of rhinophyma as any doctor had ever
seen, it had, over the last two years, mutated to twice its original
size, and was now ivied with fine blue veins, a pustulated,
bulbous magma of warty tissue with the texture of a cauliflower.
Bizarre, revolting, upsetting to strangers, he carried it nonetheless
with a kind of mad bravado. Cures were available and
repeatedly offered, but he stubbornly refused to pursue them.
But this did not mean he didn’t care about how he looked. Not at
all. He despised mirrors, and in their place he surrounded
himself with a coterie of beautiful young men – men who served,
in effect, as his reflection. It was no accident that the younger
bankers at Drexel-Morgan were among the most handsome men
in New York.

Furthermore, portrait artist after portrait artist – even the
great Steichen – discovered the banker’s true vanity when they
were fired for paying too great a fidelity to their eye and too little
to the complicated ego of their client. Newspaper editors fared
no better, risking financial ruin if they failed to touch up their
daguerreotypes, whiting out the true proportions of the colossal
and grotesque appendage. Even the seemingly all-powerful
“Bet-a-Million” Gates suddenly found himself barred from eighteen
private Manhattan clubs of which Morgan was a member
when he coined the nickname “Livernose” and when this jest
echoed back to Morgan.

No, holding on to the nose as it was, turning his back on
all possible cures, it had to do with its practical usefulness.

To decode the game J.P. Morgan was playing, you had first
to understand that he was rich.

How rich? While there were some who doubted that he was
the richest man on the planet – Vanderbilt, Carnegie and
Rockefeller muddled this argument – all agreed that there was
hardly any country that wasn’t financially at his mercy. The
world greeted him with a smile because it had to. And while he
expected it of them, he also knew that the smiles were impure.
Could he trust anybody? The classic rich man’s problem. How to
spot his friends among those grinning masks.

Here the divining rod of his nose came to the rescue.
It never failed to elicit some response that was useful to him.

If in business, for instance, someone seeking a loan
flinched or looked away at the sight of the nose, became nauseous
or made a lame excuse to leave the room, then he would know
at once that this person was a weak type, the pusillanimous sort
to fall at the first emergency, and that therefore his chances of
getting his money back were at risk.

On the romantic front, if a woman fainted, as many a fair
lady of society had done at her first exposure to the nose – only
to betray her husband in the next instant by agreeing to a secret
rendezvous or permitting him on the balcony to embrace her
from behind, his whiskers tickling the back of her neck – then he
would be grateful to know right away of her concealed penchant
for an ugly tycoon.

Lastly, if a lover ever mentioned his disfigurement with
real affection, saying that she loved it, she adored it, even that it
aroused her and made her cry sometimes after making love as
though for a beloved pet that was unwell, then he would smell a
rat at once and begin subtly to ditch her. He had no need of true
love. His nose had saved him millions of dollars.

So how could he possibly regret owning it, or possibly
consider treatments to cure it, when strangers were made transparent
by it? Yes, transparent. That revolting, throbbing,
sebaceous cauliflower gave him a psychic’s insight into people’s
characters.

With his flaring top hat – brim size 75/8 – and a monogrammed
cigar smouldering between the first two fingers of his right hand,
Morgan set off up the station platform with the high, looping gait
of a man leaving a trampoline.

He tipped a Negro worker as he left the station, crossed
Lincoln Highway and climbed two hundred feet of boardwalk
towards the three-storey clapboard house. He stopped where
the boardwalk gave way to a muddy track. A hundred yards
higher up the hill sat the laboratory. He decided to start with the
house.

He was met at the door by a Spanish servant, who immediately
appeared to fall under his hypnotic control.

“J.P. Morgan, to see Mr Edison.”

He had to repeat himself before the stunned maid came
to life and hastily retreated.

The lady of the house, when she arrived, was at least able
to muster some poise.

“Mr Morgan? Can it be? How extraordinary. How are you,
sir? Welcome. I’m Mrs Edison, Mary Edison, sir.”

This plain woman was in her dressing gown. This was a
grave demerit at such an hour, but the banker let it go when she
proved her character by looking no other place than in his eyes.
He deduced from this a solid woman of high principles.

“Madam, it is so kind of you to tolerate such an intrusion. I
am here on business unexpectedly. A surprise visit if you like.”

Intrigued by the man’s appearance – a velvet-collared coat,
white kid gloves, stiff-winged collar, striped trousers and ascot –
as well as by his natural grace and great height, Mary instructed
the mesmerized maid to show the gentleman to the laboratory.

“Alva eats there with the boys … his staff. If he eats at all.
We never see him when he’s on to a new invention.”

Morgan was pleased to hear this. “And how often is he on
a new invention then?”

“Always,” she said. “ Without end.”

The laboratory on the hilltop was a brand-new alley-shaped
two-storey structure, a hundred feet by thirty. Mary showed
Morgan inside, and before retiring pointed him towards the desk
in the corner, where her husband, making notes in several books
at once, had his head bowed, concentrating deeply.

Morgan crossed the room and announced himself. “Sir?”

No response. “Sir?” But Edison continued to work. “My God, I
heard you were deaf, but this is extraordinary. Oh, for pity’s sake”
– drubbing his cane loudly – “SIR!”

“One second,” the inventor muttered, as a large shadow
fell over his writing.

The banker shook his head in frustration and filled in the
time by noting the details of the inventor’s desk, five pigeonholes
labelled: “Money”, “Light”, “Financial”, “Amberola” and
“New Things”.

This last hole was choked with papers. Morgan then turned
to observe, on a nearby shelf, several vitrines full of alcohol
preserving in solution as many dead cats.

Edison rose. “Good, sorry about that. And who do we have
here then?”

“Thank you. At last. How does anyone manage to do business
with you?”

“Business?”

“ Yes, have you heard of it?” At this point Morgan stepped
closer to the lamp, presenting his face fully in the dim light.

Edison reacted with shock. “Morgan!” And then, upon
seeing the famous nose at close range, in the flesh so to speak,
added: “Oh my goodness…”

“I came to take a look around, sir.”

“ You … you take me by surp—” – Edison’s eyes remained
on the nose – “by … uh … by surprise.”

“I would be bitterly disappointed if I did not.”

“J.P. Morgan here! I hardly warrant it.”

“For both our sakes it would of enormous benefit if you
began to do so.”

“Oh my Goodness. It’s … it’s … incredible … astonishing …
completely without…”

“ Without?”

“Precedent. I … I hardly credit it.”

Morgan, keenly aware of the intense scrutiny of his nose,
and of the inventor’s half-completed orbit – Edison moving to
look at his face from all angles as if it were some scientific phenomenon
– narrowed his eyes, a look of absolute disgruntlement
crossing his face. “Be careful, sir. Be careful what you say next. ”

 

 

Though these two men had never met officially, it was
possible that in recent months they had met twice, the first time
by inadvertently taking a bath together.

After the trials and triumphs of that summer in 1879, and
during the final push to perfect the lamp, the inventor had lost
his ability to sleep. He had become a prisoner of catnaps. His
stomach pains worsened and were impervious to analgesics. At
the height of his powers and reputation he was in torment. The
untimely death of his nephew, Charley, whom he had raised like
a son but who had died enmeshed in a homosexual intrigue in
Paris, had hit him hard. And so, gripped by whole new levels of
guilt, and while his workers sought to improve the lamp
without him, he heeded the advice of his principal collaborator,
Charles Batchelor, and went with his wife to take the waters of
Saratoga Springs.

A day after Edison and Mary had settled into their rooms
at the Grand Union Hotel, and with his ailments aggravated by
the bone-rattling journey, the entire resort was thrown into an
uproar by the arrival of a mystery entourage.

Rumours spread: it was definitely the Morgans. A maid
serving breakfast had made the first positive sighting. The nose
had shocked her.

And then the hotel’s blind masseur verified it: yes, it was
definitely them.

So why was J. Pierpont Morgan in Saratoga? Was it he or
was it his wife who was ill? Several theories arose, only to be
displaced by even more hare-brained ones: the famous banker
had had a physical collapse, a burst appendix, a herniated
testicle. Others went further: he’d suffered a nervous breakdown
and the news was being kept from the financial markets, lest
they go into free fall.

The result was that the restaurant was full every night.
The resort’s entire guest list – predominantly Europeans, mostly
women, many Jews – was hoping to see the party. Women
looked out for Mrs Morgan, longing to copy her Paris chic, while
men fantasized about trumping the banker at euchre in the
private bar after supper.

Throughout the episode Edison remained calm, even if he
was barely able to get any service while the banker exerted a
magnetic pull on the resort staff. Edison’s coffee when it arrived
was cold, the toast stale, the waiters dismissive. Still, he resisted
the idea that Morgan was behind it all.

Seated on the east veranda after an early-evening sun
shower, the inventor thought he spotted a tall top hat in a swirl
of female companions making its way through the garden
topiaries. But he told himself it could be any wealthy satyr preying
on the spa’s many heiresses. Then at dinner the waiters
ferried trays of exquisite cuisine to an area cordoned off from the
main restaurant, a room denied to prying eyes. It had to be
the Morgans. The entire restaurant angled their seats towards
the door, but Edison instructed Mary to hold her nerve.

And finally, slipping into a scorching spa the next
afternoon, step by step entering the pool and opening his legs
in the spuming waters, feeling his innards relax at once, he
thought he saw, among the men playing dominoes on floating
trays, the enigmatic gentleman himself: the hint of a deformed
nose, the blazing eyes, just a few feet away.

But then the steam grew thick again. And when it next
cleared, Edison found that the man had vanished. Had he imagined
it? He put it down to the extreme humidity and got out at
once, heading for the piscine froide.

It was out of hand, he complained to Mary. In a matter of
days the spa had attained the hysterical atmosphere of that
other famous spring: Lourdes.

Back in his room, Edison combed the New York Post in the
hope of finding news that Morgan was in fact in Paris or Vienna,
or that he had been spotted buying antiquities in the Valley of
the Kings, thus proving that the resort sightings were simply a
reflection of the public’s obsession with wealth. Making money
in itself was uninteresting, he told Mary, and “Morgan worship”
had to be resisted. Fame should attend great public service.
Statues should be erected to humanitarians, never profiteers.
And in this regard he might have expected a little attention
himself, at least one invitation to a cordoned room? Had he not
long ago placed himself in the service of the public? And with
his latest project, the lamp, was he not committed to easing the
unbearable load of man?

If the phonograph craze had now died down – and yes, he
admitted the queues for demonstrations outside his lab in
Menlo Park had petered out – gone now the girls who fainted and
had to be revived in side rooms with fans, faded the headlines
“Orchestra in a Box!” and “A Machine that Talks!”, vanished the
daily articles listing his 158 other inventions – his success with
the electric lamp had dubbed him wizard for time immemorial.
What a great summer that should have been to be Thomas Alva
Edison. Newspapers spreading his name to every corner of the
globe. Children in Russia knowing it before those of foreign
presidents. How the public had responded to his story when it
broke internationally. A self-made man, a working-class hero –
uneducated, even ordinary, but able to develop miraculous
inventions through sheer hard work and brains. Take the April
Fools’ headline that many thought no joke: “Edison Invents
Machine to Feed the Human Race – Manufacturing Biscuits, Meat,
Vegetables and Wine out of Air, Water and Common Earth”.
Who was to say the inventor of an electric lamp was incapable
of such a thing?

And yet, for all this public gratitude, even love – for in
America he was a prophet of betterment – his fame had failed to
translate into adequate room service at an off-season spa.

Alas – such is the eclipsing power of money. How he loathed
these Wall Street types. The truth was that for all the public
attention he had earned almost nothing from his inventions, and
he held bankers and company men responsible. No sooner did
his creations leave his laboratory than the patents were snapped
up by their kind, to make money from, while his own small
earnings had to be sunk back into the next endeavour, leaving
him poor. His stomach was currently in knots about his inability
even to settle the current hotel bill. He made a mental note to
have a word with the maître d’ – run off a provisional estimate of
the total so far.

Mary closed her magazine and rose from her deckchair on
the balcony. The medicinal waters were doing her no good. In
fact her nerves, which had been giving her little peace since she
had married Alva ten years earlier, were now appreciably worse
every day. While his eccentricities might make good copy in the
papers, they played havoc with her health. Forgoing her usual
kiss on the top of his head, she went up to bed, shouting back to
him that, in her opinion, he was simply jealous of Morgan. She
added that she was ready to go home as soon as he was ready.

 

 


The inventor’s second near-meeting with Morgan had
been a month earlier at a valedictory banquet at Delmonico’s in
honour of Morgan’s father’s retirement from the world of transatlantic
finance. Astonished to receive the invitation – never
having had any dealings with the Morgans – he wired his RSVP.

Mary, feeling poorly, declined to go with him, and without
anyone to tell him what was being said in the speeches he sat
in silence at an inferior table in the packed room, oblivious to a
rant by the Democratic presidential nominee, Governor Tilden,
on the rise of American money and the decline of British influence.

Edison’s chair, badly positioned, faced an immense sugar
sculpture of muscular, American Stanley in Africa rescuing an
effete, insipid Englishman, David Livingstone. The pro-American
tableau was melting so fast in the heat that it was only a matter
of time before Stanley (above) fell and crushed Livingstone
(below), liquidating him altogether.

The sculpture allowed a small view – via a trapezoidal
window defined by Livingstone’s thigh and Stanley’s melting
musket – through which he could just glimpse Pierpont in a
white tuxedo, tended by a fleet of waiters with trays of timbales
à la périgourdine and partridge with truffles.

Taking an idea from an ample-bosomed woman who had
forced open a French door to a balcony, he rose and went to
take some air himself.

Stepping out onto the pillared terrace, he spotted a flash
of white gown. The woman had gone to hide behind a potted
shrub. Should he bother her? Was she waiting for someone? He
inhaled the smell of lilac and philadelphus, then stepped closer,
preparing a stilted introduction – “Madame, so sorry to interrupt…”
—but found the lady being roughly kissed.

The lady’s hands danced over her lover’s neck and shoulders
with enthusiasm, running through the wispy curls on the
back of a bull-like neck, fighting not with disgust but with passion.

The inventor stepped back, ruing the scrape of his shoe
which alerted the pair to his presence.
The woman opened her eyes, saw him, then froze, her
bosom open already, her face crimson, her chest heaving, full of
blood, while the man, protecting his identity, tightened his white
tuxedo around him and, without a backward glance, stalked off
down the terrace, heavy heels clacking on the flagstones, a cane
materializing and striking the paving ahead of him.

Morgan! – it was clear to Edison then that he had just
interrupted John Pierpont Morgan in an act of love.

 

 

Cover of Brilliance
Brilliance
Anthony McCarten 
Available October 2013
212 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9860007-5-1

Poe Ballantine

Last stop: Chadron, Nebraska; Wyoming!; and Haataja disappears

From Love & Terror on the Howling Plains of Nowhere
Last stop: Chadron, Nebraska

I first came across Chadron, Nebraska, by accident, in 1994. I had borrowed a car, thrown all my meager belongings in the back, and driven west, the direction of escape after disaster, the direction of decline and the setting sun. I intended to kill myself. The farther you go west, the higher the suicide rate gets, and I thought perhaps that would give me the momentum I needed. In America we remake ourselves, though it rarely works out.

I was 38, $5,000 in debt from a school loan that I’d wasted by dropping out of school (an aborted attempt at becoming a drug counselor). All my beliefs about sacrificing everything to become a novelist had amounted to nothing. To top it off I had just come off a dizzying romantic flop with a Spanish professor I had no business being with in the first place. I had been drifting for some time, starting all over freshly unknown in a new town – 15 states in the last 10 years, without any measurable results. The road had long lost its savor. I was not in the best state of mind. It was no coincidence that I was about as far away as I could get from the people I loved.

A funny thing happened when I arrived in Chadron, however; a bucolic, hardscrabble, sandblasted prairie town of 5,000 in the northwest corner of the state, the panhandle as it’s called, elevation 3,400 feet, a quaint, forested, friendly old snow-still-on-the-ground-in-May town. Chadron had a water tower, grain elevators, a tanning salon, a video rental store, a small liberal arts college, a Hardee’s, a stoplight, and a curling yellow sign in the pet store window that read: “Hamsters and Tarantulas Featured Today.” There were abandoned houses everywhere. It felt like a dying town, politely hanging on. I felt akin. I felt indebted. I thought, you know, we can’t all win the game. So why not just shut up for a change and be satisfied with what you have? Why not just be a good neighbor and live an honorable life and take out the trash? Why not stop torturing yourself about fame and art? Why not relent, marry a reformed hooker, buy some old furniture and a ping-pong table, become a Cornhusker fan, open a dusty bottle of Kentucky straight, turn on the Rockies game, and enjoy the brief time you have left on this weird planet of sorrow?

Most people would live in an outhouse in Bangladesh before they would voluntarily move to Nebraska. They drive through the state on I-80 and think of it in a vague, resentful way as a flat expanse of interminable boredom sparsely populated with pigs, rednecks, and blue-eyed howdies juggling their nuts among the deep rows of sweet corn. Nebraska? Are you kidding me? I heard the same Nebraska joke twice before I got here: “Custer says to his men, got good news and bad. Good news is that we’re all going to be massacred at Little Big Horn. Bad news is that we have to cross Nebraska to get there.” The panhandle of Nebraska is actually more like Colorado in flavor, with topographical variation, forest, buttes, bluffs, black cowboy hats, gun racks in the pickup trucks, craggy, sinewy faces, cloud formations like lost civilizations, not much corn except for the ethanol fortune-seekers fouling up the water table, and the insistent message of self-reliance. This town has been poor since it can remember, one reason people are so inclined to cooperate. The land is dominated by wheat, cows, and education. Unlike the rest of Nebraska, Chadron doesn’t quite sit on the great Ogallala aquifer, so there isn’t much water here. The closest lake is 20 miles. It rains about 16 inches a year. Western Nebraska is the only place in all my travels where I have seen the dust blowing and the rain falling at the same time.

4. Wyoming!

Short-order cooking requires that one perform a countless sequence of overlapping 45-second tasks that all must be executed in 30. Short order is spinning in circles with a smoking spatula while waitresses shout, a bell rings constantly, and a broken egg dries on your shoe. My nerves would be barking and I would still be whirling spastically with the bell ringing in my ear and I’d have a steam burn on my wrist when I got home. Dear Coroner: No need for an examination. Just please write in “Short-Order Cooking” as cause of death. A short wet spring soon gave way to a murderously hot summer. The days were as long as medieval dragons and even harder to kill. It was so hot the squirrels took off their jackets, dredged themselves in cornmeal, and arranged themselves with pearl onions in buttered pans. The cicadas screamed from the trees and the wild rhubarb wilted, the sky turned white, and the town melted into a puddle of molten lava-colored sunlight. The creeks pooped out and turned belly-up in their dusty beds. Even the mosquitoes and the weeds seemed to long for winter. My little shack was sweltering.

One night late a giant, trembling, cockeyed simpleton, shoulders wide as a snowplow, knocked on my door. “I’m Byron,” he announced in a voice trilling with insane cheer, his boot up in my doorway. “I live right next door there. I’m your neighbor. They call me Lord Byron of Windsor,” he said, the iris of his right eye banging against the bridge of his nose. “Hell, I’m your neighbor.”

I shook the giant’s rough hand. With his great beak of a nose, mismatched eyes, and fast, high, ecstatic way of talking, Byron reminded me of an enormous cuckoo bird. “We’re havin’ a party over at my house,” he explained, indicating with elated eastward thumb jabs. “A party, me and Hazel.” He was so happy to see me I felt I might be his long-lost brother. “ You wanna come over for a beer?”

Byron’s shack, though a bit roomier than mine, had the same thin walls, ancient floor heater, and starved daddy longlegs shriveled in the corners. There were biker and naked-women tapestries covering his walls. On one of the tapestries the naked women had begun to turn into serpents. Byron also had cable TV, a swiveling three-speed fan, and an armless man with just one finger extending from his right shoulder and a huge, red pockmarked head sitting on a barstool at the counter between the kitchen and the living room. “This is Hazel,” said Byron, as if he were showing me the Hope Diamond. “Hazel Devine. We’re best buds.”

Hazel Devine wore big Dave Garroway plastic-framed glasses, white corduroy shorts, and a crisp white polo shirt. A purple bruise around his red-streaked left eye had spread up into his temple. His right sleeve was carefully cuffed back to allow for the free play of that lone finger, which he wiggled at me. I accepted the finger and gave it a firm shake.

“Sit on down, Poe. Get ’im a beer, Clown,” he said. “We been wanting to invite you over for some time. Where you from anyway?”

I told them Iowa last, Mississippi before that. I’d been moving for some time and all the rest of that Dion song, round and round and round and round.

“What do you do?” Hazel said, hunching down to suck at the beer in front of him through a bent straw.

“I’m a cook over at the Olde Main.”

He pressed the ball of his bare foot to his face and took a thoughtful drag from the cigarette propped between his big and middle toes. The grin on his face was mostly a muscle configuration to keep his glasses from sliding off. “I sell cars,” he said. “What kind of car you drive?”

“I don’t have a car.”

“What?” he said, teetering back on his stool so far that my instinct was to lunge to keep him from going over.

“Haven’t had a car for years,” I said. “Too expensive.”

Byron fished a Busch Light out of the fridge, cracked it for me, and handed it shyly across, his funny eye shivering in his head. “I don’t have a car either,” he said. “Jesus Christ,” said Hazel. “The Clown can’t drive because he’s had so many DUIs. Went to prison on account of all the DUIs.”

“Idaho,” said Byron with a sentimental mist forming on his eyes. “I miss them days. You could get a job at Simplot, just go in there and get a good-paying job. One time I stood in a room with a bucket of glue and every time a box went by with a flap up I’d slap on some glue and seal the flap on it. I was married in Idaho, too, and had some nice furniture and worked at Simplot.”

“Hell, Byron, you went to prison in Idaho,” Hazel interrupted.

“What do you do now, Byron?” I asked.

“Work at the sawmill,” he said. “I oil the chain and sweep.”

“That won’t last,” Hazel said, pushing his spectacles back against his battered face with the ball of his foot. “They don’t pay. Oughta get you a real job. Then you could pay your bills. He’s two months behind on his cable and they’re gonna shut off his heat,” he explained to me, taking a peck from his smoke. “Gonna be snow ass-high to an Indian in three months and you aren’t gonna have any heat.”

I’d already grown used to Hazel’s legs on the table, moving about like wondrously shaped arms with long stumpy-toed hands. He shook his head. “God, I’m half plowed-under. Give Poe here another one. You’re probably wondering how I got this black eye,” he said. “Well, tried to take a piss by myself, slipped in the bathroom and fell flat on my face.” Hazel said. “How long was I out, Byron?”

“’Bout five minutes,” Byron answered.

“I’m lucky I didn’t drown. Byron, help me down here. I gotta pee.”

I stayed late that night. I liked the fan and the cold beer and the cable TV. Being with these two convivial men was like a merge of Of Mice and Men and A Farewell to Arms. I learned that Byron’s parents had abandoned him when he was 14. Byron had come home from school one day and his parents had simply left town without him. “The Clown is slow,” Hazel said when Byron was out of the room. “Do you know what I mean? Re-TAR-ded. He don’t understand work. He don’t understand money. I been taking care of him for 37 years. Ever since his folks left him high and dry.”

But “the Clown,” or “Lord Byron of Windsor” (a nickname he earned in detox), as he was sometimes called, would’ve much rather been in Idaho, or Wyoming would’ve been all right too. “I was in Rawlings once,” he said. “A job laying cable. That’s a nice town, Rawlings. We laid cable right up into the winter.” Except for a year in Kansas City working for the Department of Transportation, Hazel had lived all of his life in Chadron. He had attended the Catholic high school and married the same woman he went to the prom with. He was proud to recount the pugilistic exploits of his two healthy-armed sons. From what I could gather, Hazel was very good at selling cars. He’d sold Byron two or three different cars over the years, but Byron had had so much trouble with drinking and driving that he’d finally just given up the driving part. At least two evenings a week I found myself perched on a stool at that island between Lord Byron’s kitchen and the living room, drinking cold light beer and watching Byron play valet to his devoted companion. Hazel did most of the talking. Byron laughed in all the right places. Hazel crouched over his cigarettes like a starving man on a fried chicken wing. His wife wouldn’t let him smoke, he explained, and he couldn’t smoke down at the lot because it was just bad form when your customers saw you smoking with your feet.

On Tuesdays, Hazel’s day off from the lot, Byron and Hazel often took what they called “tiny trips,” which were actually daylong, meandering, beer-propelled, Odyssean expeditions along the cattle trails and barbed-wire ridges of Willa Cather consciousness. Since I had lost all fear of dying and had Tuesdays off, too, I went with them when invited, rode in the back of Hazel’s burnt-orange ’76 convertible Impala, distributed the cans of warm beer, scouted for cops, marveled at the massive cloud structures, and let come what may out of the Grendel darkness, even if the armless man, “half plowed-under,” as he was fond of saying, always drove. The whole purpose of a tiny trip was to land yourself in some unaccountable condition as far away from home as possible; Wyoming, for example, or the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota at midnight, probably the most dangerous place you could put yourself after dark, but these forays were easy for me to understand. They were miniature versions of what I had done all my life: escapes from dreariness and decrepitude, or if you prefer: peril in strange lands pitted against monsters and the mothers of monsters. Hazel was an exceptional driver, one bare foot on the wheel, the other foot planted on the gas, chin mashed down on his chest, the lone finger twirling a friendly greeting to all those who passed us openmouthed.

Toward the end of one of these tiny trips, a drunken Hazel was avoiding law enforcement by taking the back roads across the ranch-dotted grassland. He knew that network of rural, mostly unpaved roads well, but one time we did end up in Wyoming. The moon was full. The spiral of Andromeda was bright. Hazel slammed on the brakes when he saw the sign. To the right was a familiar sight, a farm failed long ago, an old rust-ravaged harvester with the door fallen off, a singlewide trailer with its windows blasted out, a crumbling paintless barn, the privy blown down.

“Wyoming!” Hazel bellowed, kicking his door open and waddling out to survey the distance from the top of a berm. He seemed deeply offended. “By God!” he said in amazement several more times. “We’re in Wy-O-ming.” He was secretly pleased, however.

As was Byron, drunk and slumped in his seat. Those summer nights were usually cool, a dry high-plains cool, the stars a glittering powder across the sky.

19. Haataja disappears

After exhausting all the potential ghost, cookbook, crime, autism, and cartoon possibilities of Chadron, Rhonda finally agreed the day before she and Kevin were scheduled to leave that I would write a novel, which I’d laid out already, about a Lakota Indian boy who accidentally kills his stepfather then flees the reservation to become a stand-up comedian in Las Vegas. Rhonda said she could see the movie already, though I could tell her heart was not altogether in the project. Nevertheless she wrote me an advance check for $2,000. She figured she could sell 5,000 copies, God willing, and that might help keep her company afloat for one more year.

Kevin and Rhonda were booked to fly out at seven the next morning, which meant I had to be at Safeway locked in by 10 so I could be out by 3:30 or 4 a.m. when the first stockers and the bakery people arrived. Tom and I went to the Olde Main to bid them a good evening in their General Miles Suite, said that we’d see them in the morning around six, and headed home from the hotel.

Wherever we went in those days, whatever the weather, Tom liked to push his old stroller. Once a passenger he was now the driver, and carried a number of his prized possessions, rubber lizards and skeletons, clothespins, ring boxes, a taped swizzle stick, a belt named “Poopy,” a SpongeBob ball cap, a clipboard, and a weed he’d just pulled from the ground, all piled together in the seat.

Haataja lived only two blocks away from us on the corner of Second and Bordeaux in the same apartment where Dee, the one-time editor of The Chadron Record, had tried so hard to drink himself to death. Dee was evicted because Crawford, the landlord, feared that with all the newspapers about, and Dee being a heavy smoker in an alcoholic stew half the time, he would burn the place down. Dee had to move to Pony Park, one of the seedier trailer parks in town, to finally get the job done. Those apartments on Second and Bordeaux were not exactly what you’d call lucky lodging for the single gentleman.

As Tom and I came down Second Street, we saw the commotion at Haataja’s apartment, two police units, cops filing in and out the front door. Several people were standing out front, including literature professor Kathy Bahr, who’d recently assigned one of my books to her class.

The police blotter for that day reads:

Dec 5 – RP [reporting party] advised he was informed of a missing instructor by Gary White who is the dean of Language and Literature at the college. Gary advised Steven Haataja hasn’t been seen since yesterday at four thirty p.m.

Tom and I wandered over. “What’s going on?” I asked Kathy.

Kathy, so cool she’s almost blasé, is a gray-eyed redhead with a fondness for fellow Georgian Flannery O’Connor. She also likes true crime, Cormac McCarthy, Bret Easton Ellis, and Edna St. Vincent Millay, who penned the famous rhyming poems, “Renascence,” “The Suicide,” “Afternoon on a Hill,” “Ashes of Life,” and ended up at the bottom of her grand staircase, heart attack, broken neck, hard to say which came first.

Kathy wore a gray quilted down jacket and red earmuffs, and it was cold enough with the wind blowing in from the north that she had her hands stuffed into her pockets and her head turtled into her collar. “Steven missed a couple of classes,” she said. “No one’s seen him since yesterday.”

“I saw him two nights ago,” I said. “He looked fine.”

“I saw him yesterday,” she said. “The cops say that nothing looks out of the ordinary, except his bike is gone. It’s getting me a little peeved,” she said. “If he’s out on his bike they need to go look for him. It was five degrees below zero last night.”

Kathy, a self-described “Army brat,” has lived in almost as many places as I have and therefore has more empathy than the ordinary person for the new kid in town. Haataja had only arrived four months before. She’d also been the one to hire him (she’d been a dean that year to fill a vacancy), knew of his troubled background, his occasional “helplessness,” his “gaps in employment,” his numerous “illnesses.” They’d gone out socially a few times, especially happy hour at the Sinister Grin, that loud cement-floored dive owned by County Defender Paul Wess.

Tom watched Kathy closely. If you got mad he’d often get mad too. He jerked his stroller in a restless circle and then scuffed the sidewalk with his shoe. To the west was an ominous cloud that looked like a forming tornado, though Chadron tornadoes are as rare in December as vanishing professors.

“We’re going out to look for him,” she said, pointing to the apartment. “The cops aren’t going to do anything.”

“Where are you going to look?”

“I just talked to Deane. He thinks if Steve was around town, someone would’ve seen him, so we’re going to try the trails south of campus. Deane said he’d meet us up there. Do you want to come?”

“Do you want to go up to the college, Tom?”

“Oh, yes,” he said. The college was the only place in town besides City Hall with “elvegators” and every building contained at least two of his cherished fire exits.

“We’ll have to drive.”

“Can we take the stroder?”

“No stroller. We’re going up to C-Hill.”

“We’ll meet you at Math and Science,” Kathy said. “We don’t have much light left.”

I made a call to the Olde Main to see if Rhonda or Kevin wanted to go, but Jeanne said they were out. Back Tom and I went to the incinerated hills south of the campus, a one-mile trip from Haataja’s apartment. I let Tom sit in the front seat and he played with the radio and the temperature controls, then announced
suddenly: “I saw a drain!” I drove up Bordeaux Street on the outside chance I’d see Haataja walking in a daze, or peeking out from behind a curtain or a tree.

I parked in the empty lot at the Mathematics and Science Building. Deane Tucker, my occasional drinking companion, an old Floridian beach bum, film buff, and tenured professor of philosophy there, was waiting for us, as was Kathy and a predental student named Paul Nelson, who Cristina and I often talked to because he knew the golden path to professional dentistry. Paul wore a goatee, had ski racks on his Honda, looked like a young man escaped from a Jean-Luc Godard film, and was always going off on vacation to places like Italy and Peru.

“Know what?” said Tom to Paul.

“What?”

“Red ants are going to come out of the ground and eat people.” That was the last laugh of the night. Light fading fast in the sky, we split up, Deane and Paul Nelson heading east, Kathy, Tom and I branching west. Tom said, “What are we looking for?”

“A teacher,” I said.

“Why?”

“He is lost.”

“Does he have a mother?”

“Yes, in South Dakota.”

“Why is he lost?”

“We don’t know yet, Tom.”

Moving through a twilight landscape of blackened grass and dead licorice-stick trees, Tom announced that we were taking the “porky pine trail.”

Among his many talents Tom was an amateur botanist, and he named all the trees for Kathy and me as we went, among them seaweed trees, nuffin trees, fancy trees, and stand-up trees, even if they were all ponderosas. They did look different, some twisted, stunted, some branchless, scorched, some scarred by lightning. As we made our way up the burned escarpment, scorched tubers of yucca lay about, unregenerated. The thin stands of flame-blasted ponderosa pine had not been able to regenerate either. The ponderosas in this part of the world are smaller and scrubbier than their counterparts north and west, where the temperatures are more modest, the rainfall more abundant. Botanists often facetiously refer to this hot dry zone between the Black Hills and the Platte River as “the banana belt.” The lumber interests complain about these scrawny ponderosas, but what kind of commercial yield should you realistically expect from a short-grass prairie? The hills have been reseeded, though it will take a generation at least for this forest to recover, and it may never recover.

Now and then Tom would pause to grab a bush or a tree branch and wearing his fierce spasmodic trance face give it a mighty rattle.

Kathy, Tom, and I hiked to the signal tower, then back across the trail that followed the private land boundary of Sandy Burd’s May Queen Cattle Ranch.

On a ridge to the west, we saw a herd of 13 mule deer, frozen in their tracks and staring at us as if we’d just called each by name. The taffy-pink sky swirled to purple. A few stars began to show. The terrain was too rugged to navigate in darkness, and that iceberg wind out of the north was freezing our knees.

“He can’t possibly be up here,” I said, “not at least on his bicycle.”

We headed back, finding Deane and Paul waiting for us in the parking lot. Deane, who’d been out many times socially with Steve, including to his apartment, said that Haataja rode his bike everywhere, and that it was always parked behind the couch, so the police should not have missed it.

Sergeant Chuck later told me that Steve’s apartment was exceedingly neat, socks color coded, those plaid shirts that he favored on their wardrobe rack, even at the shoulders, all facing the same way. The little boxes of Sunkist raisins he liked along with the cans of Slim-Fast and packages of ramen were arranged fastidiously in the cupboard. Books in stacks were everywhere, but even the “clutter,” as Sergeant Chuck put it, was neat. Sergeant Chuck described the room as “gloomy,” with natural light only coming through two small windows above. The sergeant said to me that he would’ve been depressed in there too. There was a mattress on the floor, a statement after four months of residence that says to me: I don’t plan on being here long.

“I hate to quit,” said Kathy.

“He’s OK,” said Deane, flat-voiced, hands in pockets. “Probably rented a car. You know his father is dying.”

Paul said he had seen Haataja in the library on Saturday, the day of the Christmas Party, checking out old genetics books. Paul wondered what the purpose of checking out a book on genetics from the 1970s was.

“It’s too cold to ride a bike,” said Deane.

“I feel sick,” said Kathy, turning and heading for her car.

Tom had to ring the victory bell outside of Don Beebe stadium before we left to go visit Cristina, where she was a janitor in the Administration Building. He whanged on that clanger four times and then took a high-arced pee on the lawn. The air was so cold the toll of the bell was still echoing through the hills as we walked away.

Cover of Love & Terror on the Howling Plains of Nowhere
Love & Terror on the Howling Plains of Nowhere: A Memoir
Poe Ballantine 
Introduction by Cheryl Strayed
Available June 2013
244 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 9780983477549

Toby Olson

Tea Dream

He no longer wondered where to lay down blame or whose was the responsibility or what the responsibility was. Her body, finished with its rage, had settled in the cancer the way one slips into a tub in a dark bathroom, into hot water, and
soon the skin is no longer a barrier, an integrity and definition ; one becomes part of the water, the cancer. The skin goes in the way the breath does, out like a ripple of the surface of a still pool ; part of a quota, it does not return. She lay in the tub, and under the water, crossing the rise of her belly, a place that was darker than water : a dark towel, taken from the blankets and pillows and towels in the backseat of the car, because it gave her some com-fort. Her head rested on a rolled towel, placed where the tile and the porcelain met ; chalk of the small hollow valley of her left cheek, her lips slightly parted, her shallow and stertorous breath-ing. The glass doors in the wall of the room beyond her were
a field of light, reflection cast from the side of the rented car, up from the white gravel outside the motel room in Arizona. Occasional figures of yucca advanced, danced, and faded in the opaque field. He sat in a chair, in the dark in the side of the room, watching the gun.
The gun lay on the bed in the middle of a white towel.
She sighed in the distance. It was a small, blue-metal instrument with symmetrical indentations on its surface. He liked the romance of it, his privacy and her groggy sound. He reached out
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Pinch. A Design with a finger and touched the tip of the butt, better aligning the L–shape with the towel’s edge.
And then he thought of the two bags of cocaine, each pressed in a Diamond Kitchen matchbox that was taped shut, in the trunk of the car, under clubs, blankets, and clothing. He thought of the way Melinda would give it up, her body slipping as her quota of breaths left her : neck, chin, and upper lip, her nose blowing feeble air against the water’s surface (small indentations, minute waves), then going under. He lifted the gun up from
the towel then and put the barrel between his teeth and pulled the trigger on the empty chamber.
“Melinda, are you okay in there?”
“Yes, I’m okay, honey, fine.”
He came back from the click as he had come back from the Tea Dream that time. In the Tea Dream, he was sitting on a bench to the side of the blue markers at the back of a narrow tee. The tee was long enough to accommodate all the markers, and from where he sat he could see the white ones halfway up, and near the foot of the tee, where it dropped off into rough and the slope started up to the high par-three green about a hundred and eighty yards away, the red, women’s markers, were set in. He had his cap and his glove on, and he was holding a seven-iron, the head resting in the grass to the side of his right foot. He looked from the club head, down the row of markers and up to the green. Beside the flagstick, gripping the shaft in her left hand, there
was a woman standing in full view and facing down at him. She was wearing a white bathrobe, and she wore no jewelry.
Her hair was dark and uncombed, and she was holding hazy implements in her free hand at her waist. There was a smoky fog, a thick cloud that began coming up behind her, rolling over
the green’s surface. It got to her, and her feet and legs were envel-oped in the smoke, and he couldn’t see them clearly anymore.
But he could see their changing bulks and her right foot rise a little and paw at the low, delicate carpet of grass.
The fog rose up around her ; she seemed to recede back into
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the cloud. It cowled her head, and then she disappeared com-pletely. He started to get up, to go and find her, though he feared her, but as he rose the smoke-fog began to clear. It gathered up from where her feet had been, and when he followed its path, he saw the place of the cowling shrink and the smoke gather and disappear into two rings, and as the final billows were sucked in, he saw the head of the horse appear where her head had been, and he realized that the rings were the horse’s nostrils, the smoke his breath blowing in the suddenly cold air. The horse was white and large, very stately and very powerful looking. There was a device attached to its side, a leather trussing, and the long stick with the small red flag with the white number 3 sewn into it was standing, straight up above the horse’s broad back, the little flag waving. The horse pawed at the green, scarring the surface, kicking little divots out. It blew its heavy steam. And then it dipped its head once and started down the hill toward him. It pranced a little, slowly selecting places for its hoofs as it came down through the rough. He fell back on the bench and waited for it. It was massive and getting larger in its coming, but he did not fear it, not in the way he had feared the woman. He had tightened his grip on the seven-iron when he had seen her, but now he released it, his knees parted a little, and he relaxed.
The horse reached the far end of the tee and started down between the markers as if they were running lights. He could hear the creak of the trussing, the hoof-thuds, and the sound of the nostrils blowing. It got to him, and he could smell its sweat and see the doe-leather look of its soft muzzle, its powerful grind-ing jaws. It stood for a moment over him, moving its head from side to side, looking around. Then its thick neck began to arch over, and it brought its huge head down to him. He sat very still. He could feel the blow of the nostril smoke on his cheek, and he could smell it at the same time. It had the smell of jasmine, slightly sweet and musky.
And in the dream he seemed to open his eyes as if they had been closed, and he turned his head slightly toward the horse
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Pinch. A Design and looked up into its face. And the horse’s eyes grew smaller, and through the smoke between the two of them the face of the horse began to change into the face of a woman. Melinda began to appear to him as he woke up. She was sitting on the floor beside the bed, at a level with his head, and between them, on the night table, was a steaming cup of tea. And he saw the oval of Melinda’s lips as she lightly blew the rising tea smoke across his face. Her mouth changed to a smile as his eyes came into focus. He had risen gently from his dream ; it was the smell of tea and its touch against his cheek, insinuating itself into the dream without break-ing it, that had awakened him. And the dream and what he might have chosen to call reality had come together like a kind of smoke net to lift him up. He had moved to his elbows, turning his head toward her. He had never come to himself so gently. And Melinda had seemed to know this, and that is why she smiled and did not speak for a while but only looked at him as the tea smoke lifted.
“Melinda, are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m ready to come out now.”
He wrapped the gun in the towel and put it in the suitcase and then he went to the bathroom. She smiled up at him from the dark water in the tub.
“Should I put the light on?”
“No. Leave it off, okay?”
He put his hands down into the warm water beside her body. “The towel,” she said. He pulled back and reached to her belly
and lifted the wet towel off of it, wringing it out as he took it from the water and placed it in the sink. He took a dry towel, folded it, and put it over the edge of the tub. Then he reached into the water with both hands and arms to his elbows, sliding one arm under her back and the other under her knees. He knelt down
on the floor and lifted her up carefully out of the water and swung her legs over the edge of the tub until she was sitting on the towel. He took another towel and draped it over her shoulders. She began to rub herself with the towel, and he took another
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towel and dried her legs and feet. Then he got up and stood over her, looking down at her matted hair, her huddled body. He steadied her with one hand on her shoulder. He pressed her after a few minutes.
“Are you ready?”
“Okay,” she whispered softly and with effort. She held the towel with a white hand across her breasts, and he reached under her again, making a chair for her. He lifted her and carried her into the other room and sat her down on the edge of the
bed. The reflection in the glass doors had changed slightly. It was midday, and the light now brightened the foot of the bed. The glass doors were still opaque. He made sure she was steady ; then he left her sitting and went over and pulled the drapes.
He returned to her and helped her recline on the bed. He took a blan-ket from the shelf in the closet and offered to put it over her.
“No. No thanks,” she said, raising her arm slightly. “But could you turn down the air conditioner a little? You can leave the blanket here.” She motioned to the bed beside her. He did these things. He bent over and kissed her forehead.
“I’m going out for a while. Do you want anything?”
“No, just a little rest is all.”
“Not long,” he said.
“Oh, I don’t think I’ll sleep.”
“I mean, I won’t be gone long.”
“Oh, I see. Okay.” She let her head down on the pillow and looked at the ceiling. He went to the door, opened it, and left the room.

Cover of Seaview
Seaview
Toby Olson 
Introduction by Robert Coover
Available April 2007
316 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-6-4

Mark Mordue

IRAN: Over All Vision / Waiting for a Chance

From Dastgah

He l aughs and says ‘Khamenei’ in a low voice . then he
makes a slicing motion with his thumb all the way across his throat along
with a quick, hacking sound. Then he looks at me.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say back to him.
But I hardly understand what I am saying at all. Just the sounds of
confidence these automatic words somehow conjure, a droll white noise
in place of language.
I keep walking. And let the door swing shut behind me as we leave
the restaurant. Still tingling with the tracheal gesture. Still feeling as if he
means me. Me who will lose my head in Iran.
Oddly enough, there is no particular menace to the moment.
It all happens so quickly I barely take in the interchange. It almost
155 : : ir an : Over All Vision
seems humorous : the bland smile, the smell of baking food, his weary
gesturing.
For some time afterwards I still try to take it as a joke. A joke for Westerners
fresh to the ‘madness’ of Iran.
Then I wonder again if it is what he wishes. If he wants to see a jihad,
a ‘holy war’ or ‘a struggle in the way of God,’ continued against the infidels
now beginning to infiltrate his country as tourists for the first time since
the Revolution. If he would really like to see my head roll.
Lisa and I have sat eating rice with fish, a bowl of salad with a vinegar
and yogurt dressing, and a plate of mint with two halved onions. A typical
Iranian meal in a clean, basement level restaurant in Esfahan, the city
of merchants and glass, a place renowned for its crafts and craftiness, its
skilful liars.
I talk to the men who work in the restaurant, making self-effacing fun
of my guidebook Farsi phrases : where are you from? hello, goodbye, I’m
sorry I don’t speak Persian (bebakshid farsi balad nistam). One man on his
lunch-break smiles at me from across the room. The others look on bluntly,
staring slowly from the fluorescent, middle-aged weight that seems to
colour the whole room and drag at the heels of their boots. Moving like
men in some invisibly thick soup.
We stand. Go to the cashier. ‘Chand–e?’ An enquiry about the cost. He
holds up a 10,000 rial note to our eyes. The money changers on Ferdosi
Avenue call this ‘a Khomeini’ after the dead Ayatollah whose stern face
stares out from it. I leave an extra 1,000 rials tip (about US$0.50). And we
start to walk out the door.
That’s when the moustached 40–something man in the washed-out
khaki uniform of a cleaner or a dishwasher looks at me and makes his
little cutting motion to the throat.
It’s not because I’m a lousy tipper.
I’d already heard about this gesture yesterday from a Frenchman who
had just visited Tehran. He wasn’t clear on the meaning of it either – if it
was a joke, or something very nasty indeed.
In Tehran people had done the same thing to him, but they had made
a brief whirling about their head as well, to signify the turbans of the
156 : : dastga h
mullahs (Islamic clerics), before they too slashed at their throats with
their thumbs and laughed.
At first I don’t tell Lisa about all this symbolic throat-cutting. But
eventually I have to mention my goodbye message at the restaurant as
we walk off into the silence of the city’s 10 p.m. streets. It troubles her,
then she says, ‘Perhaps they mean death to Khamenei?’
Well, do they?
People say there is much unhappiness with the rule of the mullahs in
Iran. In the 1998 parliamentary elections for the Assembly of Experts,
clerics ensured that the candidates who could run were predominantly
conservative. Only 46 per cent of the population bothered to vote. It had
already been decided behind closed doors by the mullahs. What was the
point?
The Assembly selects and appoints Iran’s Surpreme Leader-currently
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the like-named successor to Ayatollah Ruhollah
Khomeini – who controls both the military and the security forces as well
as the judiciary. This is Khomeini’s vision of the world’s first Islamic theocracy,
an indisputable leader who can interpret God’s will with an iron
fist wherever and whenever necessary.
The President, Muhammad Khatami, is an anomaly in this scene, a
freak victory in a landslide people’s vote that saw 76 per cent of the voting
population, mostly women and the young, turn out to elect him in 1997.
But the conservative mullahs aren’t so impressed with a man who studied
philosophy in Germany for two years, nor the Western ‘liberal decadence’
he is encouraging.
Khatami lacks real power, yet he has popular support. He balances
himself delicately on this edge. As one local told us, ‘Khatami says such
beautiful words. Such beautiful words. But what is really happening in
Iran? What is really going on?’
A strange tension underlines Iranian daily life. As if the opening up
of the country is contained by a firm vice that will only allow it to expand
so far. The question seems to be : when will the unstoppable force meet
the immovable object?
157 : : ir an : Over All Vision
t h e wor d ‘m u l l a h’ s w i ngs i n t h e mou t h l i k e a c lu b.
It carries weight when you say it.
Walking around the streets of Esfahan, we get very used to being stared
at by people curious about Westerners in their midst. Whenever the turbaned
shape of a cleric approaches, however, there is not a flicker of interest
or recognition in their eyes. We do not exist. We are not there.
One feels the mullahs’ neutralizing power, the sheer stoicism of how
they refuse you through the mere act of not looking and looking right
through us at the same time. They simply erase us from the scenery.
This oppressive weight, this power of erasure, has an effect on far
more than tourists. It extends into all aspects of Iranian life. The mullahs
are always ‘there,’ through the secret police and informers, through faith
itself and the constantly inflamed values of the devout. In this way the
mullahs invisibly penetrate and purge the world with their presence, possessing
their streets-when they do appear – like fearsome and radioactive
stones.
The result is a country silently divided. And a pressure that creates an
even greater longing for freedom.
You sense this most when you talk to the young. At first there’s pride,
of course, in their country. The initial images that they paint of Iran are
almost Disneyesque, 1950s – pure. They’re also very aware of Western
stereotypes of them as screaming, crazed religious fanatics. Most people
hate this global media cartoon of them and their country and their faith.
As if to counter it, people are ridiculously friendly – strangers literally
invite you home for dinner, take you on personal tours of their city, give
you small gifts. It’s actually quite difficult to deal with this overwhelming
enthusiasm and courtesy wherever you go.
But like the 1950s there’s a lock on the mind and the spirit. As we talk
more and more to young people and they open up to us, they admit to
being ‘stuck’ in their lives, often speaking of their desire for change, or of
simply wanting to leave Iran altogether. They also tend to idolize the West
with a naive enthusiasm. As a dream of freedom, with all the forbidden
fruits that go with it. As a total fantasy.
Within six months of the Ayatollah Khomeini coming to power in
158 : : dastga h
1979, he made a speech declaring that, ‘There is no fun in Islam. There
can be no fun or enjoyment in whatever is serious.’
It’s hard to maintain that sour reverence when over half of your population
is under 25. Iran is witnessing a youthquake, and it can’t cope
with the energy. The strange thing about its youth is how commonly they
refer to the time of the Shah with yearning and nostalgia – yet they have
no memory of his brutal and exploitative reign or the Revolution that
deposed him. It is as if they yearn for a past that never existed.
In Tehran we read a newspaper article warning that the clerics in
parliament have voted to send a paramilitary group known as the Basij
into the universities, to help police and suppress ‘liberal Western influences.’
Their goal involves more than just intellectual oppression – it
means intimidating young people to stop them holding hands in public,
and preventing women from wearing lipstick or pulling their chadors
back provocatively onto their heads to reveal a little of their hair. These
acts of ‘Westoxification’ that hark back to the days of the Shah, these
relatively mild gestures of public affection and decoration, constitute the
pagan rebellions of Persian youth today. In the extreme and early years
of the Islamic Revolution, the Basij were renowned for their opposing
fervour, taking the lipstick off women with razor blades. Drafted from
the ranks of a massive peasant underclass, they are devout enough to still
serve the darkest commands of hardline mullahs, to be thugs in the name
of Allah.
‘What will they do?’ asks one Tehranian man benignly of yet another
bout of oppression from the mullahs and their henchmen. ‘This is nature.
A boy and a girl. It is like trying to stop running water.’
We talk to a tour guide about it all. He tells us how he wants to escape.
Maybe through India. Maybe through Hungary. He can hardly go anywhere
in the world, he complains, as very, very few countries will give
him a visa, with exceptions like India, Pakistan, Nepal and Japan. It is hard
to get out. It is hard to travel at all.
‘I am 26. Two years ago I fall in love with a German girl,’ he tells us. ‘I
could not go to see her. They would not let me leave here. And Germany
would not give me a visa either.
159 : : ir an : Over All Vision
‘I was very angry. Very crazy.’ He shows us pictures. Two shots of a
blonde, one of her sitting on a beach, another of the two of them in his
car. The photos look creased and old.
‘Many times I have been arrested for mixing with tourists too much.
They put me in prison one week, two weeks. I say, “Why do you do this
to me? I am representing Iran to tourists in a good way. I am working
hard for my country. I am contributing to my country.”’
He looks at us with a salesman’s eye. ‘Okay, of course I do for myself
as well. But I work hard. It is good for Iran too.
‘And they arrest me! So I tell them, “Send me away. You arrest me. You
don’t like me, you don’t want me. You don’t want hard working people.
You would rather I did nothing. So let me leave this country. This is a crap
government that wants crap people.”
‘They tell me, “You talk a lot” and put me in jail,’ he smiles. Then laughs.
‘But I am not political. I don’t care about that.
‘I am 26. I just want to live. I meet tourists. Sometimes I go to Goa.
They tell me things,’ he nods childishly, conspiratorially, alluding to the
rave capital of India’s reputation for partying and drug-fueled abandon.
He wants us to understand that he knows what real pleasure is. ‘If you
have tasted an orange and an apple, and you want the orange, you want
the orange. If you do not ever taste it, then maybe you don’t know.
‘I know my country is very beautiful. But it is no good for me. I am 26,’
he repeats as if it is something to be astounded and depressed by. His
mantra. ‘How can I meet girls? I am not allowed to wear a bracelet even,’
he says, looking at mine as it sits heavily on my wrist, ‘it is too Western.
‘No!’ he cries out. ‘What sort of life is this? To get up early to work all
day, to come home at night quietly and sleep like a cat. There is nowhere
to go at night.
‘My friend tells me I should stay. Iran is changing. Sure, maybe in five
years. Maybe in ten years. He is 35 and married. It is okay for him. But
what about me now? I am 26.’
And with that outburst over he shares his simple plans of escape, how
he will sell his car, his motorbike and his rare Persian carpet. How he will
go to see the girl in Germany. How he doesn’t like the cold, however, and
160 : : dastga h
he will wait till spring before he escapes to Europe. How Western girls
on tours often flirt with him and try to kiss him even when they have
husbands or boyfriends. ‘Why they do this? I think sometimes they want
to punish their men.’
We explain to him that sometimes Western girls play games and that
it doesn’t mean they are really interested in him or love him. He lights
up with recognition – this is a suspicion confirmed.
‘Now I understand,’ he nods. ‘Now I understand.’
He considers himself a man of the world. Didn’t live with his family
as a boy. Was brought up in the snake turns of the local bazaar, ‘working
very hard. Very hard. Very hard like you cannot understand.’
Now life is good. He is a man on the move – or on the make, at least.
But he has no freedom. He cannot fall in love. He cannot go anywhere.
He cannot wear a bracelet. And there is that burning experience of two
years ago, and these two photos of the girl he loves, both pictures marked
with sticky tape where he has pulled them from his bedroom wall to show
us. Marks that show he has pulled them from the wall a dozen times or
more and told this same story to other travellers, whoever listens.
He unfurls his carpet, with its myriad patterns and silky blues and
royal reds. He shows us where the makers wove an error into the carpet
on purpose, so as not to affront Allah, since the Creator is the only one
who can make a perfect thing. This is his magic carpet ride out of Iran. ‘I
think if I sell it I can make much money. It’s beautiful,’ he says a little sadly.
I try to warn him that he could be jumping into a deep hole if he becomes
an illegal immigrant in Germany. For some reason his fears about
the winter cold quietly depress me about his hopes. But he thinks he could
just as easily fall down a hole in Iran, he says. ‘Anything could happen
here. Anything.’
So we talk about love again. And another painful experience as a teenager,
when an older married Iranian woman had an affair with him. He
didn’t know she was married until after the affair had begun and she
finally told him the truth.
‘I told her to leave me alone. Sometimes now a married woman here
in Iran will try to give me her phone number,’ he says, disgusted. ‘This is
161 : : ir an : Over All Vision
dirty. I tell her go away, you bastard. I don’t want this. You are dirty bastard
woman, leave me alone.’
He is 26 years old, going on 14. It seems to be a part of Iran’s 1950s
moral atmosphere to reduce people to adolescents. For him, Iran is frustrated
desire and perpetual lies behind the backs of people. He wants the
girl in Germany. The dream life. The dream love. But thoughts of freedom
lead him back to the emotional prison of Iran, and Iran leads him back
to questions and plans and schemes to escape. Running his fingers over
the carpet, thinking, looking for the error.
We talk about him over dinner that night. In that sullen, slow-moving
fluorescent restaurant where everything feels becalmed and exposed. Me
twisting my bracelet round and round as I worry about him, till I’m given
something else to keep me thoughtful.
Later still as we lie in bed, I think about the gesture at the restaurant.
Whether it was friendly or aggressive, or even subversive as quite a few
people have quietly suggested. The end of Khomeini and Khamenei, the
death of the mullahs? Or a deepening and darkening of the Revolution
as they fight to preserve their rule?
I’m really not sure. But this to me is the hidden Iran : a thumb at the
throat, a girl who can’t be loved. All blurred, hard to see, waiting for a
chance.

Cover of Dastgah
Dastgah: Diary of a Headtrip
Mark Mordue 
Available September 2004
314 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-6-8

Edited by Jeff Meyers

From September 11
Cover of September 11
September 11: West Coast Writers Approach Ground Zero
Edited by Jeff Meyers
Available September 2002
368 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-0-9

Gregory Martin

A New Commercial

The boys and I were watching the NBA playoffs when a commercial came on. (The boys like the commercials way more than the games, and so I’m forbidden to mute them or change the channel.) The commercial was for Google Chrome, but it was also about the It Gets Better Project, the internet video project started by Dan Savage, which provides a forum for gay, lesbian and transgendered people, young and old, to tell their stories, and to urge gay and lesbian teenagers that, however compelled they are to turn to suicide, they need to get through it; they need to choose to live. We’d never seen this commercial before. We thought we had all the NBA Playoffs commercials memorized. I had never seen a commercial like this in my life. Evan stood up on the couch and started pointing at the TV and shouting “Hey! Look!” I didn’t tell him to sit down. Then he was jumping up and down. He was eight years old. Four years had passed since my father had tried to take his life—though Evan still didn’t know about that. Or maybe he did. Maybe he knew more than his parents had told him. But he knew his grandfather was gay. And he knew that it was hard to be gay, and this commercial was about how hard it was. This commercial was about his grandfather and for his grandfather. Evan got it. I could see it in his eyes. They were shining. Evan shouted at the screen, “Grandpa needs to see this. We need to call him.”
Oliver shouted, “I can’t hear. I can’t hear what they’re saying.”
But Evan wouldn’t stop, he said, “Listen. It gets better. We need to call Grandpa. He needs to know that.”
He kept saying this long after the game came back on. He kept saying this until I called his grandfather and handed Evan the phone.

Cover of Stories for Boys
Stories for Boys
Gregory Martin 
Available October 2012
274 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9834775-8-7

Peter H. Fogtdal
Translated by Tiina Nunnally

I The Russian Guest

1.
My name is Sørine Bentsdatter. I was born in 1684 in the village of Brønshøj. My father was a pastor, my mother died in childbirth.
When I turned six my body decided not to grow anymore.
I don’t care for the term “dwarf.”
As a rule, I don’t care for dwarves at all.

2.
The fine gentlemen have brought me up here to Copenhagen Castle. They’ve set me on a carpet that feels as if I’m treading on seaweed. Now they’re looking at me in that jovial manner they favor—their heads tilted, their lips twitching—but I stare right back at them. I always stare back, because they’re uglier than I am. The only difference is that they don’t know it.
“Do it again,” says the finest of those gentlemen.
His name is Callenberg. He’s a smug cavalier with red cheeks. His legs are bound with silk. I put my hands on my hips and stare at his multiple chins, which are quivering with mirth.
Callenberg spreads his legs and smiles. I move across the soft floor, duck my head, and walk between his legs. I do it four or five times, back and forth, like some sort of obsequious cur. And now they’re all applauding; now they’re cackling contentedly in their perfumed chicken yard. Of course I could have bumped my head into Callenberg’s nobler parts, but that would have been foolish. And you can say any number of things about a wench like me, but I’m no fool.
“Splendid.” Callenberg draws his legs together with a satisfied grunt.
The courtiers once again stare at me with a condescending expression—the same way that everyone looks at me, with a despicable mixture of contempt and joviality. But they could just as well have been staring out the window. They could just as well be gazing up and down the length of the Blue Tower, because they don’t see me, those people. How could they see me when they’re as blind as bats?

[LINE BREAK]

All at once I catch sight of my figure in the mirror. I’m small and withered, with deep furrows on my brow. My eyes are tiny and green, my lips thin and sardonic. My nose and my ears are a bit too big, my hair is long and graying. The veins dance up and down my bowed legs, but there is nothing ridiculous about me. That’s something they’re all going to learn.
Callenberg sits down on a scissors chair and snaps his fingers. A moment later a glass of clove wine is brought to him along with a plate of Flemish chocolates. His hands are fat and pink, his nails look like shiny seashells. That’s how a human being is. Loathsome and vain, with habits that increase in cruelty the more the person eats.
“Ask the dwarf what sort of tricks it can do.”
The First Secretary turns to me. When he speaks, he does so slowly, as if he were talking to an idiot. I choose to ignore him. I’m familiar with the fine gentlemen. I have more experience with them than I would care to admit. I know how they think and how they behave. They can’t fool me with their vulgarities.
“Can the dwarf perform tricks or read fortunes in salt?” Callenberg asks.
“I can both read and write,” I tell him.
Callenberg tilts his head back and laughs. He would howl with laughter no matter what I said, because dwarves are so droll, dwarves are entertaining in the same way that parrots are entertaining. We are creatures who serve only one purpose: we exist so that human beings can feel superior.
Callenberg rubs his hand over his chins.
He is the Lord Steward at the castle. Not just the Lord Chamberlain but the Lord Steward. That’s the sort of thing that the nobility care about. Their whole raison d’être lies in titles. The higher the title, the greater the reason they have for existing.
“I can both read and write,” I repeat with annoyance. “I also know German, Latin, and a little French.”
“And where has the dwarf learned these things?”
I let my eyes survey the chamber. Exquisite portraits of Frederik IV hang on the walls. The drapes, which are a golden peach color, flutter in the breeze. There are chromium-plated mirrors with sullen looking angels. The strong scent of Hungarian cologne permeates the wallpaper. All very elegant, for those who have a taste for elegance.
“I suppose the dwarf is also knowledgeable in Russian?”
The Lord Steward looks at me with a condescending expression. Then he snaps his fingers and a chamberlain opens the lavishly embellished doors.
“Tell the dwarf to come back tomorrow.”
The First Secretary nods. He has a weak chin and a timid face—the sort of face that confirms the amount of time he has spent in submission to his master’s fury.
Callenberg disappears down a long passageway lined with Venetian mirrors.
The last I see of him are his hands behind his back and his thin legs beneath his stout body. After that he is swallowed up by the castle—and by the specters of all the kings who refuse to let go of the past.


A few minutes later I’m escorted down several narrow staircases intended for the servants. The stairwell feels damp and clammy, and I very nearly slip on the high steps. Two dead bats are lying on the stairs. The archways are draped with cobwebs.
The footman opens the door to the kitchen. In front of me is a vast room that goes on and on, as far as the eye can see. There are people everywhere: master cooks, footmen, errand boys, and pastry chefs. They’re rushing back and forth, armed with marzipan and mackerels and mulberries.
I stare at the wooden spoons that are almost as long as I am tall. And at the pots containing saffron, the tubs holding Iceland cod and whiting in brine.
We start walking.
The kitchen makes me uneasy. There’s a strange mood in there, as if the kitchen were waiting for something. I pass two assistants who are making a pigeon pâté. A royal taster is sampling a sour burgundy. They are all in their own meaningless world; they are all waiting.
The footman leads me over to a back door and opens it impatiently. When I turn around to ask him a question, he gives me a swift kick. Involuntarily I gasp with pain. Then the footman points to the moat and the high castle bridge. He points to the slum quarters, the flatbed wagons, and the flea market. When he slams the door, I angrily wipe my mouth and start walking.
It’s still a hot summer day. The towers of Copenhagen are sweltering in the sun, and the barges gleam like silver in the canal.
I head across the High Bridge to Færgestræde. A horse-drawn cart loaded with wine barrels almost forces me into the water. A moment later I vanish into the crowd among the coaches, soldiers, and loudly shouting fortune-tellers.

Cover of The Tsar's Dwarf
The Tsar's Dwarf
Peter H. Fogtdal 
Translated by Tiina Nunnally
Available September 2008
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9790188-0-3

I lay in bed listening to the waves crashing on the beach, and the splat-splat-splat of rain spattering the on sidewalk outside. Clouds over the ocean. Wind in the twisted cypress. If I closed my eyes, I could hear mold growing. The ground was a humid sponge that never dried out but kept decomposing underfoot. The windowpanes by my bed sprouted hairline fractures of dark green. It was so moist, the linoleum sagged like mushy Rice Crispies. Even clean cotton sheets fresh from the dryer quickly assumed the sweet-sour fragrance of curdled milk. Nature was a magician; it caused wood to bend and glass to sweat.
Listening to the steady rain, I wondered if it was raining on my parents’ house in Lafayette too. I was in a tight cocoon, bound by worship and work. Time was ticking by, cycling through season after season. Years later, reading a four-line poem by Dr. Seuss, I felt a sharp pang of recognition, so perfectly did it capture the ranch’s state of missing time:
How did it get so late so soon?
How is it night before afternoon?
It’s December before June.
How did it get so late so soon?
It was easy to drift in a fugue of isolation; no newspapers or radios alerted me to the world outside. As isolated as I felt, I could’ve been living on an atoll in the Pacific. In 1973—my second summer at the ranch—the Miami Dolphins won the Super Bowl, Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in a tennis match billed “The Battle of the Sexes,” Kurt Vonnegut published Breakfast of Champions, and “streaking” became a fad across U.S. campuses. While the space probe, Pioneer 10, was transmitting television pictures from within 81,000 miles of Jupiter, women in consciousness-raising groups were clambering up on tables with plastic speculums and mirrors, hoping to get a glimpse of their own inner space.
“I’m in the hollow of His hands,” I wrote my parents on Lighthouse Ranch stationary featuring a neat little garden and a large building overshadowed by a cross. And then quickly, God spread his fingers and I was allowed to scamper briefly back into the world—chauffeuring a trouble woman back to her home in the Bay Area. Helen had driven to the ranch, but she was in no shape to get herself home. Helen was in her early 20s and her heart seemed—there’s no other word for it—flayed. She’d recently given birth to a baby girl, Chloe, whom she’d given up for adoption. I don’t know why Helen had come to the ranch, but her kinetic presence in the sisters’ dorm made us edgy. I read once that sharks never sleep but having to keep swimming, moving the water through their gills or they’ll drown. Helen was like that, a trolling blur of restless limbs, with reddened eyes that never shut. How tired she must’ve been; how tired she made us all. What kept her swimming was Chloe. Helen was bereft, inconsolable, continually on the verge of tears. Talking non-stop one minute, nearly catatonic the next, she was losing it.
Her parents were wealthy intellectuals who lived in the Berkeley hills. I had the distinct feeling that they wouldn’t have approved of their daughter’s sojourn among us. In the Bible it says: “Whosoever will may come.” Helen had come and it was now clear she must leave. We couldn’t help her. We’d prayed over her, laid hands upon her, asked Jesus to list the spirit of oppression plaguing her. But Helen didn’t improve. Probably because I was single and unencumbered with children, knew how to drive, and was semi-reliable, I was recruited to drive Helen to her parents’ house in Berkeley.
Helen handed me the keys with a gloomy air.
“Ready?” I asked.
She shrugged.
“OK, let’s go,” I said.
Helen stood by the door, looking across the sprawling lush garden, to the wooden cross on the bluff.
“Okay, here we go,” I prompted.
She nodded absently. We stood there a minute longer.
Nancy clip-clopped out to the car in her little wobbly shoes. The wind caught at the hem of her madras skirt, exposing her knobby knees. “Praise the Lord, Helen, we’ll be praying for you,” Nancy said, trying to hurry her along.
Helen kept looking away. A tear glistened in the corner of her eye. Nancy looked at me. I looked back, imploring her with my eyes. Somebody had to take charge.
“We’ll miss you, Helen,” Nancy said, brisk as a nurse.  “Goodbye.” Nancy put Helen’s suitcase in the back of the car. Finally Helen got in and I drove out of the parking lot with a heavy heart.
Lurching down Highway 101 in Helen’s Volvo, I kept a sweaty grip on the wheel. I glanced over at my passenger. She sat slumped against the door, chin trembling, hands folded tightly in her lap. Towns rolled by: Fortuna, Rio Dell, Scotia, Pepperwood. 
“Want to sing a song?” I said. “How ‘bout ‘The Joy of the Lord is My Strength?’” Helen shook her head. I didn’t blame her.
“Helen, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine,” Helen said. Sniff, sniff. And then the skies opened up and the rains came. Helen wept and babbled rapid-fire about Chloe. Chloe! She wanted her baby girl back. Why couldn’t she get her back? She was a good mother, wasn’t she? Where was Chloe? Couldn’t she at least visit her baby?
“I don’t know,” I answered, feeling helpless. “I’m so sorry.”
Placing her hands on her flabby abdomen, Helen bent over and sobbed. “I should never”—gasp—“have let her out of my sight.” I tried to keep my mind on driving, but by the time we’d reached Garberville, less than 50 miles from the ranch, I was ready to turn back. Chauffeuring Helen was the job of someone with a hardier, less permeable personality. I was becoming as hopped up as she was, twitchy, hungry, homesick for a child I’d never known. My mind was echoing: Chloe! Mama! Baby! Gimme! It was as if I had internal Tourette’s. I chewed the inside of my cheeks, and tried to stay within the white lines. Think of those lines as stitches, I told myself. Stay within the boundaries. Neat and tidy, in and out. Sew yourself to Berkeley and keep the thread taut. As we reached the outskirts of Ukiah, Helen started hyperventilating.
“Stop the car!” she said, bracing herself against the dashboard. I hit the brakes and the Volvo shimmied.
“Are you sick or something?” 
Or something. Helen put her hand on the door handle. She unrolled the window. “I need to get out for a minute.”
“Do you have to pee?”
Helen opened the door and got out.
“You know, Helen, we’re never going to get you home at the rate we’re going,” I said to her retreating back.
“I need some air,” she called. You and me both, I thought.
Helen stopped at a grove of redwoods. The Eel River tumbled by. I watched her clutch at a tree branch and shake a finger at it, as if lecturing to a naughty puppy. I was trying very hard not to be terrified of Helen. We had been thrown together in the most basic way, without artifice or pride or the buffer of small talk, just two people hanging on by our fingernails. There was really nothing I could do but except pray and that I did in the most direct way: Oh-shit-God-help, oh-shit-God-help, oh-shit-God-help. Row, row, row your boat. How-shit-God-help. This was my mantra, a four-word invocation I mindlessly repeated as I watched Helen talk to the trees. My faith was really shaky. Jesus seemed like a figment of my imagination. Helen was gathering steam for what seemed like a real melt down. The river rushed over the rocks, cold and frothy. Helen required so much vigilance! I thought angrily. I didn’t know if she was going to impale herself on the car’s radio antenna, fling herself into the Eel, or start singing Three Blind Mice. I was nineteen and childless. What did I know about post-partum depression? I watched her from the window, thinking: Why are you doing this to me, Helen? And then I stopped, convicted down to the soles of my feet. Helen. I’d been flogging her with her own name, a name that was not only familiar but cherished by God. I thought about that scripture which says The Lord knows us and had called us each by name. That scripture, so intimate, so personal, always gave me chills.     
I got out of the car and walked over to Helen. Now she was sitting on a tree log, tossing pine needles into the river, one by one. 
“What’s wrong, Helen?” I said, squatting beside her.
“I feel sad, that’s all,” she said, flinging in a handful. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“You’re not a mess, I promise you.”
A few minutes later we walked back to the car and drove on. When we reached Helen’s parents’ house that night, they plied her with anxious questions as they fed us tofu and stir-fried vegetables. Had she forgotten to take her medication? Where exactly had she been? Did she need to make an appointment with her psychiatrist? No one mentioned Chloe.
I spent the night at Helen’s parents’ house. The next day I met my mother in the Berkeley Rose Garden on Euclid Avenue. I had wanted to see her and I was dreading it. I wore a pair of knee high leather boots that Rita had given me. They were a little too big but the leather was nicely broken in. I chose a dress for the occasion, one of the few store-bought items I owned, a long-sleeved blue and red plaid mid-calf dress with strawberries on it. My mother and I sat in the stone amphitheatre, surrounded by terraced, climbing roses. I cannot recall the particulars of our conversation, except that it was strained. I cried. I told my mother Jesus loved her. What was her reply? I cannot recall her words, only her consternation over my tears.
Why are you crying?
I’m just so happy.
No, you’re not. What’s wrong?
Repent and be saved. 
I was crying for more than my mother’s salvation. I was crying for the missed cues between us. I wept for Helen, mentally unhinged by grief, I wept for adopted Chloe, I wept for myself, a daughter who had left her mother’s house and been adopted by another family. I had been in retreat and now I was back. In memory, everything that day seems exaggerated: the garish plaid of my dress, the bigness of my boots, the cloying scent of the roses, and of course, my mother’s presence. My mother was the most important person in my life, realer than Jesus, more powerful than all the ministry’s elders combined. I’d thought that living with other people would dilute her mighty power but here we were, once again caught up in each other’s gravitational pull. Next to her, I felt large and ugly, unlovable and weird. Like Helen, I felt like a mess.
I took the Greyhound back to Eureka that evening. Still in my dress and lace-up boots, I sat in a seat by the window with my Bible in my lap. It was crowded on the bus, and people were restless in their seats. Somewhere around Healdsburg an older woman got on and sat in the seat next to me. She was short and had a bad perm that was growing out. She pulled out a ball of yarn and began knitting. I glanced over at her and then looked away, feeling clearly that God wanted me to witness to my seatmate. I didn’t want to. Several miles passed. I argued silently with God. Do I have to? Why can’t I just ride the bus like everybody else? What do you want me to say, anyway? Sighing, I snapped open my Bible. The page opened to Psalm 130:1, which said:
Out of the depths I cry to you,
O Lord. 
O Lord, hear my voice.
I stared at the lines and meditated on them. God was telling me to praise Him at all times, even on a Greyhound.
As James’s mother had pointed out, I couldn’t even carry a tune in a bucket. I was tone-deaf and tune-challenged. But as dusk came on, I flicked on the overhead reading light, cleared my throat, and took a deep breath. I sang:
Oh God, hear my cry
Attend unto my prayer!
From the depths of the earth
I will cry unto thee
When my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the rock
That is higher than I!
Jesus is the rock
That is higher than I!
I sang those verses as my stone-faced companion kept knitting. After a few minutes I stopped, flicked off my light and turned toward the window, burning with embarrassment. Neither of us said a word. When we stopped in Cloverdale for more passengers, she moved to another seat. 

Cover of So Late, So Soon
So Late, So Soon
D’Arcy Fallon 
Available April 2004
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-3-3

Monica Drake

Chapter 12

Out front, our battered ambulance slept in the glowing halo of its own white, rusted roof and reflected the buzzing street light. I called, “Chance,” in a whisper, as I walked out to the ambulance. “Here girl. Come on, let’s go. Come on home.”

My hands shook, one wrapped around the Valerian highball. A car crawled slowly down the block. Something creaked on William’s porch. I moved fast, swung open the ambulance’s back doors, climbed up and let myself fall into the lush pile of props and costumes nested in the back of the ambulance; the darkness was haunted by the ghost trace of Rex’s body, the air filled with sweat and kerosene, as though he were in the ambulance with me.

It was warmer in the ambulance than outside. I kicked a foot through loose clothes on the floor until I felt something solid, then reached down into the clothes. It was an empty can, labeled Canned Laughter. A sight gag. I threw the can back into the pile. Fished again.
Every space inside the ambulance opened into storage. There was storage in the ceiling and floor. The single cot folded open like a trunk. There was a medicine chest attached to the wall and when I opened the latch, face paint, body glue, fake eyelashes, artificial scars and latex ears tumbled out.

Below the medicine chest was a single backward-facing chair, where an EMT would sit. The chair opened up, like a wooden box with a padded top. None of these compartments had what I needed.

Under the costumes, swimming in the clothes, were beanbags and juggling balls, Angel and Devil Sticks, fake cigar boxes, spinning plates and rubber rings. I toe-tapped the edge of a Diabolo, and pulled on a short pink wig. The pink hair had been bunched into fat tufts with dabs of super glue.

I was a toy in a toy box, one plaything among many.

Then my hand, deep in the props, slid across the broad nylon curve of the Pendulous Fake Breast Set. Ah-ha! Rex hadn’t used the Pendulous Fake Breast Set in ages, but still I recognized the shape and texture before I pulled its weight to the surface. It was a peach colored bib, with sand-filled nylon sacs like water balloons that hung in front. I slipped the bib over my neck, on top of my clothes. I gave one boob a squeeze and it let out a duck call. The other side chirped like a dog toy. Voila!

Those boobs were practically Kevlar, a bulletproof vest. They were the leaded apron a hygienist makes you wear at the dentist, the body armor of the Army Reserve. Safe. That’s how I felt behind the Pendulous Fake Breasts — safe, sexy and funny. What more could a clown want?
Guys aren’t the only clowns who can play the Big Girl suit. Why limit myself to fake ears and noses? I got down on my knees in the pile of costumes, new jugs swinging low, and kept up the search. Soon enough, my hand found the curve of the Fabulous Fat Ass. The matching partner, the bottom half of a two-piece ensemble. And just like that, a new idea was born: Hello Juicy Caboosey Show!

It all made sense. I’d be a sassy, busty clown girl juggling fire. Of course, why not? I’d play to crowds high and low. I’d find the fine line between Crack’s clown whore and my own comic interpretation, work both sides and move easily from the comedy of burlesque to strip tease, slapstick to sexy. I’d graduate from Clown Girl to Clown Woman.

I stood on my knees in the world of costumes, slid down the elastic waist of my stripped satin pants, and sang quietly, I’m every woman… The Fabulous Fat Ass snapped on in front. If getting dressed as a clown is about tapping into spiritual guides, finding history in the clothes and makeup, well, my spiritual guide for this show was one big girl, sexy, round and ripe. Who wants to be a skinny, orphaned, emancipated clown bruised by a miscarriage? No, I’d transform myself into a fertility goddess. It was the Venus of Willendorf calling me out.

Other than a little camel toe, as I stretched the formerly loose pants back over the Ass, it all came together so easily! I’d invent my own show, self promote and move from clown lackey to star performer.

I pulled the Valerian vial from my long pocket and shot a few more drops of Valerian over the tumbler of melting ice to calm my thrilled nerves, mitigate my fear of success, fear of failure. I could do this. I could bust out in my own newly busty way.

And the key to success was Rex’s tip: Burn shit up. Light anything on fire, audiences love it. I swung the melons left and right, shimmied my shoulders and on my knees did the Grand Teton jiggle dance.

I’d do a new silent, sexy version of Kafka: Gregor Samsa wakes up, finds he’s metamorphosed into a woman with an hour glass figure — where every second counts! — and his world’s on fire. I’d do a busty Beef Brisket dance, on fire. Two Clowns in a Shower on fire. And Who’s Hogging the Water? — that’d be mixed genre, soft porn plus fire. Even an ordinary juggling show with a bodacious bod and the pins on fire would be a new show altogether.

I found a tin of face paints in the medicine chest. In the cabinet’s mirror, I patted white on my cheeks, drew stars around my eyes, and lined my lips deep red.

A narrow cabinet opposite the cot, near the ambulance’s back doors, had once held an oxygen tank and hoses. I crouched down in front of that cabinet, and rested on the Ass like it was a beanbag chair. Soon as I opened the slim cabinet door Rex’s spare fire juggling batons, his best maple-and-asbestos handled torches, fell out. Like a sign that I was on the right path, the torches fell right into my new mondo bazookas, right into my ripe casabas, bounced off and landed in my lushly padded lap.

As I stood in my homemade crop circle in Herman’s backyard, I saw the first of two complications: Juggling with boobs demands a whole new skill set, with a new center of balance and an increased sense of self. In short — the boobs were in the way.

I started with practice tosses. Three balls, in the air. My arms smacked the side of the heavy, swinging nylon sacs. I knocked into one gazonga and missed a catch, first try. The boob barked out it’s duck call. But the Fabulous Ass kept me grounded and I gave it a shake-shake-shake, like maracas, as I tossed the juggling balls.

I had a small tape player in the backyard, and played Stevie Wonder in a whisper as I warmed up. When the summer came… One ball, then two, then three in the air, quick and easy tosses; I grew accustomed to moving with the Pendulous Breasts. It was great to be up and working so early. Shadows moved in the hedges that lined the yard. The tall grass rustled. This was the clown equivalent of farm work. Like milking the cows. I tossed two balls up into the night sky as one came down, then reversed the pattern. Two down, one up; two up, one down. Milking the Cows I’d call it.

Simple stuff, child’s play.

Juggling is like dancing, and it’s a form of self hypnosis. The balls were my partners, caught in our rhythmic swing. When I juggle, I can’t help but tell a story as I watch the balls move; I individualize and anthropomorphize. The balls touched my hands and flew on their route again as though I had little or nothing to do with their trajectory. And as they bounced, they were kids on the playground, running and jumping. They were little goats, leaves in the wind. A green ball was the leader and two reds followed, in a circle. Or the two reds were friends and green tagged along in opposition. One moved right while the other two swung left. Two kids got along, one was an outcast. Then they all turned around, followed the rebel, the renegade.

I bent my knees and did a booty-swing as I juggled. The Fabulous Ass swung away, then back, and gave my tush a comforting pat-pat-pat.

When I gained grace and quit slapping my arms into the flop of the Pendulous Breasts, I switched to batons. Batons in the night air were pure magic. The ivory sticks lifted into the dark sky, waved to their brothers the stars, and twirled close without touching each other; I barely touched each one. They sprang from my hand. Slivers of the moon.

With my confidence up, I went for the fuel — a can of turpentine, from my room, meant for cleaning brushes.

Like pouring drink in a drunk, I poured turpentine down the aluminum throat of the torch where it would fuel an asbestos wick. The torch was a solid thing, elegant in its slim curves. I filled two more, wiped them down with a rag, tossed the rag in the grass and set the fueled torches aside unlit.

One thing about juggling fire: keep your fuel in a juggler’s fueling bottle with a narrow, EZ-Pour nozzle and a Safe-T-Snap lid. They make the bottles for a reason. I couldn’t find Rex’s fuel bottle. I used turp straight from the turp can, and rested the can to the side on the long matted grass.

I snapped the lighter, and the familiar whoosh told me who was in control: It was in my hands this round. Not Rex. Not some other clown. Me. I swung one burning torch into the air and it was a comet against the sky. Like a well trained bird, the torch landed back in my open hand.

And I was the Statue of Liberty.

I was the Clown of Liberty, and claimed my freedom with a new show. The yard danced amber and blue in the firelight and the distant edges closed in, darker than ever against the blaze. I was protected from eyes by hedges, protected from the world by my Kevlar ta-tas. Ready to go. I threw back a shot of my own fuel, Valerian tincture down my open throat, then lit a second torch from the first.

Two torches crossing in a perfect arc overhead was the dance of white ghosts, leaving tracers. Beautiful! It was hypnotic, the fire shimmering and wild against the tranquil black background of deep night.

Adding a third torch was tricky. I had to manage two in one hand, with the first two already burning furiously their eternal clown flame.

With three torches lit, I adjusted the pink wig, turned up the radio a smidge, and gave the first serious, dangerous toss of my new career. For rhythm, I sang along with Stevie Wonder. Very superstitious… I shook my Fabulous booty. The weight of it was like a Congo line, hands against my hips, shaking back. Wash your face and hands… I swung the Bodacious Melons …when you believe in things that you don’t understand, and you suffer….

The batons overhead crossed in their arc like a magician’s trained doves, my ghost relatives. There’s a power in fire and I had that power harnessed. I was transfixed. Transformed. In my Zone. I was an angel lost in a dream in the wilderness of the yard, a conqueror with the whole world ahead of me. The air was soft as water against my skin. The moon smiled down. A falling star answered any questions I had and the answer was Good Luck, Fellow Star! The message from a kindred spirit, a falling scrap of fire that burned out, light years away.

The torches, those harnessed meteors, danced at my command.

A voice cut through the dark, over Stevie’s song: “What’re you doing? Shit, is that you, Clown Girl?”

And I flinched, the dream broken.

Nadia-Italia. Her voice came at me from nowhere, from everywhere. As I flinched I lost the rhythm. One torch fell from the sky like a dead bird. I caught the other two, second and third. The first lay still, a broken-necked dove burning in its own quiet pool of orange and blue flame against the roots of dry, matted grass.

Crap-ola!

I didn’t have time to look for Italia, but instead held the two torches in one hand, bent low and ran fast to collect my fallen friend, my trained pet. The sand-filled sacs of the Pendulous Breasts swung forward as I stooped. The momentum pulled me faster, with the weight of the funbag-sandbags at my shoulders. I kicked a leg to find my balance, but the Fabulous Ass bounced against my own ass and pushed me ahead in my crouch. I couldn’t see the radio underfoot below the flopping boob bib; the radio rolled under the swing of a leg, and a muffled Stevie Wonder sang into the dirt. I stumbled. My oversized shoe hit the turp can and knocked the can into the grass. I tried to catch myself, but the weight of the boobs! The oversized shoes! My bad hip called my name, and laughed in a crackle of ligaments. One knee went down, into the damp ground, and the torches in my hand smacked mother earth. I skinned my palm. My pants ripped at the knee.

The first torch down doubled its quiet flame, like an accident victim vomiting blood into the roots of the overgrown yard. The flame seeped and grew, and fast formed a line fed by the spill of the tipped-over can — then the can of turpentine itself was touched by fire; fire bloomed from the spout like a sight gag, and in a loud whoosh the can swelled. The sides blackened and bent.
“Jee-sus!” Nadia-Italia said, behind me, from the window upstairs. Grass smoldered under the torches in my hand where they too lay along the ground. The turp rag leapt in its own quick fire.
I picked up the torches, stomped on the flames, and gave myself a hot-foot I’d never forget. The rubber on my shoes curled and darkened. Still stepping in fire, I reached to straighten the can.

“It’s okay,” I called. Burn shit up. Audiences love it.

“Chick, like it’ll explode!” Italia’s voice was a sharp screech, her own ambulance wail. “Herman, wake up!”

Didn’t sound like my audience loved it.

“Calm down, calm down,” I said, and stomped faster. “No need to tell pop. Show’ll be over in a minute, and panic will get us nowhere.” But was she right? Would the can explode? I was shielded only by the false security of the fake boobs.

I took seventh grade chemistry. “It won’t explode until it creates a vacuum,” I said. I shoved the unlit ends of the burning torches into loose ground. “It has to burn through the fuel, first.” I inched forward, one hand out. My voice cracked as I yelled, though I tried to sound confident. My hands shook, and my heart was a rush of blood washing veins, chemicals. Nerves.

“What the hell?” Herman’s voice was at the window now, to join Italia’s panicked song.

“She set the yard on fire!” Natalia shrilled. “I saw her do it.”

“Under control.” I said.

Nothing was under control. The yard burned in three places.

I grabbed the can in one fast move, like the can was an animal ready to run. I grabbed it, and caught it. But that can was more than an animal. It was Loki, God of Fire. Unleashed. The sides of the metal can sizzled under my hands. I yelped and flung the can far away from me, into the tall grass of the yard, and a streamer of fire followed the can like a comet. A shimmering line of yellow white flame fell on the grass like a rope, like the tail of a kite. The flame snapped and hissed and fast grew into a wall.

Then my short pink hair was a flash of flame too, as fire jumped to the nylon strands and dabs of superglue. There was no time to think. I beat my hands against my head, against the burning wig. The world smelled like melting Barbie dolls, the burned breath of a Christmas toy dropped against the Yule log. I pulled the pink hair off and flung it, but too late. My nylon sleeve was in flames.

“Crap-ola! Crap-ola!” I ran in a circle, and threw myself down. I rolled on the grass where the grass wasn’t on fire, but the Pendulous Breasts resisted my momentum, and everywhere I rolled sparks flew. The Pendulous Breasts duck-quacked and chirped a cacophony of party sounds. I was guilty, and now I was on fire. Who would’ve known Hell was so efficient? A few mistakes and Hell came to me, faster than room service.

Stevie Wonder’s voice melted, then ground to a slurry, low halt.

A fist came at my face in scattered blows. I was blinded. No — not a fist. It was a hard blast, a bitter stream, a fire extinguisher beat against me. “Coulrophobia!” I sputtered. The fire extinguisher gang!

The blast moved from my face down my arm, then was gone. I blinked until my vision cleared.
The first thing I saw was Herman’s naked muscled butt, his pants in one hand. He sprayed a white blast of fire extinguisher foam, but the extinguisher was small, and here sized definitely mattered; it sent a stream light as piss dancing over the sizzling yard. Get the hose!” He yelled.

“Spray down the house.”

I tried to breathe.

When I didn’t move, he yelled again. He said, “You’re out, okay? You’re out. So help with this shit.”

Out? Kicked out? I lay on my back. The Pendulous Breasts sat on my chest like twin demons. The sand was twice as heavy soaked by the fire extinguisher. I was beat up. Spent. “Out of the house?” I asked.

Herman didn’t let on if he heard me. He ran to get the hose himself. Italia came from the house more slowly. Wrapped in a tiny blue bathrobe, legs naked, she sipped a carton of protein drink and leaned away from the smoke. She said “God, you’re self centered. He means out, like you’re not on fire, right?” Then she said, “Oh, wait. I see a spark.” With one long, muscled and tattooed arm, in slow motion, she poured her drink on me. The protein drink was a pale, lumpy cascading ripple from the dark sky, a thick splash against my open eye, and I jerked away. Nauseous. She tapped my scorched Big Booty with one foot. “Girl, you’ve let yourself go. The least you could do is get up.”

Cover of Clown Girl
Clown Girl
Monica Drake 
Introduction by Chuck Palahniuk
Available April 2007
300 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-5-6

Peter Donahue

CHAPTER 7 To Alaska (1897)

Maddie wasn’t on the wharf when the S.S. Portland docked in Seattle that summer of 1897.  Chester was, though.  He was among the throngs down at Schwabacher’s wharf to greet the newly wealthy passengers aboard the steamship from the northland.  He even hired on with one of the prospectors to carry his bags of gold to the Scandinavian American Bank—the federal assaying office having not opened yet in Seattle—and was paid five dollars for his efforts.  Which was good solid money, Chester told Maddie later that day, and not just some featherbrained pipedream, but good solid money!  Maddie replied that she supposed it was.
The riches aboard the S.S. Portland that heralded new bounty for Seattle instilled in Maddie the exact opposite idea that it inspired in Chester.  She thought they should stay in Seattle and set up shop supplying the stampede of gold-fevered prospectors racing north that was certain to follow—most of whom would stop first in the Seattle to stock up on provisions.  She had a hunch that that’s where the best business sense lay, and not in risking everything they had (scarce little at that) for a chance to pan a few ounces of yellow dust (if they were lucky) from an ice-clogged stream in the frigid and barren north.  Besides, she had come to grow fond of Seattle in the short time that they’d been there, even if they did live below the Deadline, in one of the city’s most notorious districts.  She was occasionally able to get out into the other neighborhoods, where she could imagine a better life for them eventually, if they just stayed on.
To seek their fortune, however, was why they had ventured out to Seattle in the first place, Chester reminded her.  Indeed, well before the headlines spread across the nation with news of the S.S. Portland’s “ton of gold,” Chester had already contracted gold fever.  They’d gone to Cleveland from Trenton because he had heard that all the good manufacturing jobs were there and that a man could rise to floor manager in no time and, with drive and the right wits, even become company president.  But in those depression years of the mid-1890s, every city in America was struck hard, including Cleveland, and the manufacturing plants weren’t hiring.  Any work at all, even streetsweeping, was scarce.  So after just one year on the shores of Lake Erie they packed up and came to Seattle on James J. Hill’s Great Northern Railroad all because Chester had heard there might be gold in the region, even as close as 50 miles north of the city, in the foothills of the North Cascades.  Looking back on that time in her marriage to Chester, Maddie realized she couldn’t have guessed just how desperate her young husband was becoming, and probably had been all along.  She’d fallen in love with him because he’d seemed like the stable, hardworking type that her father had been—her father had even helped bring Chester along with his railroad job—and because, well, he was darn good looking and knew how to sweet talk a girl, which she didn’t discourage none.  Losing her innocence to Chester just weeks before they were married had convinced her she was in love with him.
For two years after their departure from Trenton, they lived off the small inheritance and insurance claim from her parents—both of whom died in a train wreck only a year after Maddie and Chester wed—yet by their fourth month in Seattle this modest fund was nearly all gone.  They moved out of the Providence Hotel and into a $7-a-month flophouse two blocks below the Deadline.  It was a despicable clapboard tenement made up of a dozen flyblown rooms with paper-thin walls, dirt-smeared hallway commodes, scurrying baseboard rats, drunken vomiting boarders, and a savage proprietor who let rooms to anyone who could pay and booted out anyone who could not.  Vacating this sorry excuse for lodging after six intolerable months was the one positive result of her husband’s determination to head north for the gold fields.
The day the S.S. Portland made dock, Chester was already busy packing their few remaining household belongings into their steamer trunks when Maddie arrived back at the flophouse from one of her walks, bolted past the leering old man in the foyer holding a bottle in his lap, and rushed up to their room on the third floor.
“Look,” he said the instant she opened the door and entered.  He held something up between his thumb and index finger for her to see.  Whatever it was, it was too small for her to make out in the room’s dim light.  She began unlacing the tie on her bonnet and set it carefully on top of the battered dresser drawers.  She had been out looking for housecleaning work, inquiring door-to-door.  Her knees ached and her ankles were swollen, and she was tired to the bone.
“What is it?”  Then, looking about the room and seeing their trunks out and open, she stared at Chester and said, “What are you doing?  Have you been packing?”
“It’s gold,” her husband declared and brought it up to her face for closer inspection.  “Put out your hand.”
Maddie laid open her hand and Chester placed a thin yellowish sliver with roseate tints and rough, uneven edges in her palm.  Despite its course and tarnished appearance, the object was soft and seemed almost iridescent.  As she held it, Chester told her how it was the very same stuff, just in the raw, that the delicate chain and locket her mother had bestowed on her on their wedding day was made of.  (The same chain and locket, Maddie recalled looking back on that moment, that they’d pawned two months earlier, a detail that had slipped Chester’s mind in his fascination with the gold sliver.)  Maddie handed the piece of gold back to Chester without comment.
“One of the men off the boat gave it to me,” he explained, almost whispering in his excitement, perhaps afraid one of their neighbors would hear him and try to steal his treasure, “along with five dollars for helping him carry the rest of his gold to the bank.”  He turned and motioned toward the four open trunks in the room, then put the gold sliver in his shirt pocket, buttoned it, and took hold of both of Maddie’s wrists.  “We’re going to the Klondike, Maddie.  That’s where all the gold is.  We’re going to be rich, Maddie, just like that man I helped off the boat today.”  He produced a copy of the Post-Intelligencer.  “Here, you can read it all for yourself.  This is what we’ve been waiting for.”
Maddie didn’t know what to think—of the little sliver of precious metal, of Chester’s fervency, of her wretched life in the Seattle flophouse, of their decision to leave Trenton for Cleveland, Cleveland for Seattle . . . any of it.  She didn’t respond to her husband, but just let him go on telling her how wonderful their lives were going to be from now on.
During the next several days she watched as the city worked itself into a frenzy to get to Alaska and the Yukon.  Chester would have left that very afternoon if they could have afforded to, but they didn’t have enough money to book passage on one of the many steamships that were now heading north, much less buy all the provisions people said were required for the overland trek to the Yukon gold fields once you reached Alaska by sea.  For the next several weeks they had to work—Maddie cleaning rich folks’ houses on First Hill, Chester down on the docks as a stevedore—and then they had to sell the last few items of furniture and jewelry that Maddie had held onto from her family’s home in Trenton, and finally, within seven weeks, working almost eighteen hours every day, they had enough—by which time Maddie’s initial doubts about the entire undertaking had grown into grave apprehension for their personal safety and welfare, as well as for their marriage.
It did not take a clairvoyant to see that not all the desperate souls pouring into Seattle ravenous to get rich up north would achieve this goal.  Most would not.  Most would likely come back more destitute, more physically ravaged and morally disillusioned than they had ever been before the gold rush news broke.  Already, just one month after the S.S. Portland’s fanfare arrival in Seattle, there was evidence of this—families split, marriages ruined, men begging on the streets, broken by their own misguided ambitions.  Even to this day, eight years after the event and six years into the new century, secure now in her own home, Maddie took pride in the fact that she had recognized then the emptiness of the gold rush promise, that she could read the telltale signs—despite the fact that she could do nothing to stop the feveredness in her husband.  Chester was simply too determined, and was going to have his way.
The three hundred dollars they scrapped together in the next seven weeks could have bought them a small (but pleasant) house north of the downtown.  Already it was plain to see that the people profiting from the gold rush were the Seattle merchants.  When she wasn’t cleaning houses, Maddie was stitching tent canvas for Cooper and Levy, Pioneer Outfitters, at their warehouse several blocks south of their store on First Avenue.  Outfitters throughout the city were finding it hard to maintain their stocks.  When Maddie first broached with Chester the notion of their staying in Seattle and setting themselves up in business, he scoffed at her.  When she mentioned it again the next week, he shouted her down for even suggesting such an idea, said she was a fool for not seeing the opportunity that lay before them plain as day, and accused her of disloyalty to her wedded husband.  Then, after she tried to placate him, he seemed to plead with her.  “This is our one big chance, Mads, dontcha see?  Dontcha want to be rich and wear the fine dresses like those ladies you clean house for?  Try to understand, Mads.  It’s now or never.”
She wasn’t persuaded.  Yet she gave up trying to change Chester’s mind.  His intransigence on every consideration she raised made Maddie increasingly ill about the whole undertaking.  At one point she even hinted that perhaps he should go alone, that she would only be a hindrance to him and would be better off waiting for him in Seattle.  But he insisted on needing her with him in Alaska, and promised her they would be back in Seattle within a year.  This was the one time she had ever regretted not being able to bear them a child.  If they had had a child, she knew, she would never have gone north with him.
After selling the last of their few belongings to outfit themselves with the necessary equipment and provisions—a Klondike stove, blankets, parkas, knee-high boots, wool-lined mittens, a red Union suit each, beaver hats, and then (by way of food stuffs), 50 pounds of flour, 20 pounds of dried beans, 10 pounds of lard, sacks loaded with potatoes, cabbages, and acorn squash, and 10 pounds of cured beef (although Chester swore he would provide them with fresh meat—“You don’t mind caribou, do ya, Mads?”—with the second-hand Remington rifle he bought)—they still came short of the year’s worth of supplies the Canadian Mounted Police required of prospectors crossing the border from Alaska into the Yukon.  In lieu of all her work sewing canvas for them, the proprietors of Cooper and Levy, the two Jewish merchants Aaron Levy and his son-in-law Isaac Cooper, let Maddie have a large tent, complete with poles and stakes, on top of her regular wages.  This savings left her and Chester barely enough to book steerage aboard the steamship Rosalie, due to depart for Skagway on August 29.
On that morning Chester hired a horse-drawn wagon and, along with another man and his wife who had recently moved into their same flophouse and were also Alaska-bound, they transported all their provisions down to the wharf.  It was just before dawn, dark still.  The waterfront was as chaotic as the day the Portland arrived—and perhaps more so, since with each passing day and the quickening approach of winter, people became more desperate to depart for the gold fields and claim the fortune that they deemed rightfully theirs.  The wagon driver hurried them through Pioneer Place and across the Great Northern railroad tracks and north along Railroad Avenue to Atkinson’s Dock where the S.S. Rosalie waited.  As they approached the dock—with Maddie and Laurette sitting on the back of the open wagon holding onto the trunks and twined bundles of canvas, bedding, and tools, while Chester and Morris rode up front on the bench with the driver—Maddie listened to the cacophony of waterfront noise . . . ships’ steam whistles piercing the morning fog, seagulls screeching, mast lines clacking, davits groaning, pylons creaking, the shouting of men and whinnying of horses.  It was a relatively calm morning, so each noise became that much more distinct.  For the first time since Chester placed the gold sliver in her palm on the day the Portland docked in Seattle, Maddie physically feared what lay ahead for them.  For the first time since leaving New Jersey, then Ohio, she held in deep in her chest an anxiousness toward her husband, the man she married at age 22 when her parents warned her to marry and bear children or else become a lonesome old maid.  In light of the current perilous circumstances, and how little she dared place her faith in Chester in confronting these circumstances, such a dour fate as the one her parents warned her of seemed comforting.
She raised her head and looked over the top of their provisions at Laurette, whose bonneted face seemed leaden in its hard stare at the road passing beneath them.  Only when the wagon hit a bump, jolting everything and everyone in it, did she reveal the slightest grimace across her set lips.  The younger woman, only nineteen, must have sensed Maddie watching her because she turned her head and forced a wane smile upon making eye contact with her.
“I pray the boat provides a smoother ride,” Laurette said loudly over the rattle of wagon wheels.
“Let’s hope so,” Maddie shouted back and gripped the sideboard as another deep rut sent the wagon jarring forward.
The two women resumed their silent endurance of the wagon ride until at last they reached the dock.  As Chester and Morris unloaded their supplies, Maddie looked eastward and observed the dawn lighting the sky above the cluster of brick, stone, and wood buildings climbing the hill from the waterfront.  To the south, on what she had heard derisively called “Profanity Hill,” there rose the large center cupola of the County Courthouse, while to the north atop Denny Hill, like in a fairytale, appeared the eminent and ornate Denny Hotel.  Since their arrival in Seattle she had begged Chester to take her up to the hotel, just to see it up close, but he repeatedly told her he’d been up there and that the hotel was nothing but a big, empty shell, nothing to see at all.  “I’d like to go anyway,” she said, “for the view,” and thought how when they returned to Seattle wealthy with gold—should they be lucky enough return at all—she would persuade Chester to buy a house on Denny Hill near the hotel that so majestically overlooked the city.
As it turned out, Chester had arranged to team up with Morris not only on the transfer of their provisions from the flophouse to the dock, but all the way to Dawson City.  From there, according to his plan, they would be partners in staking a claim.  To Maddie’s surprise, Chester had already arranged with the ticket office for Morris and Laurette Robertson to share a rear cabin with them, a space smaller than a rail car compartment, with only two bunks that the four of them would have to share and through which billowed the sooty coal furnace exhaust from the flue at the center of the ship.  It was agreed the women would share one bunk and the men would take turns sleeping in the other.  The provisions, which Maddie learned they would also be combining with the Robertsons’ to help disguise to the Mounties the deficiencies in both, were stored mostly on the forward decks.
By the time of its scheduled 8:00 a.m. departure, the S.S.Rosalie was overrun with humanity.  Yet it seemed to Maddie that she and Laurette were the only two women aboard.  As the whistle blew a long, sustained blast and the ship began to pull away from the crowded dock, Maddie, already separated from her husband, who stood jawing with a group of men near the bow, leaned against the railing at the stern and watched the city’s horizon widen.  Noting the bustle of the streets as the business day commenced, watching the large homes atop First Hill and Capitol Hill come into panoramic view, she hated having to leave, and as the ship moved into the harbor and proceeded north through Elliott Bay, she edged her way around the deck’s railing, keeping sight of the city until the very last.  Then, at the moment, having also lost track of her husband and not having yet truly befriended Laurette, Maddie felt about as alone and displaced as a person could.


For the next two week the Rosalie steamed northward through the coastal passages of British Columbia and Alaska.  On board, Maddie and Laurette became fast friends, preparing meals, playing cards, reading to one another from Anthony Trollope’s novels (which Laurette had packed into one of her trunks), and generally keeping one another company.  Maddie also made the acquaintance of a clean-shaven man (one of the few aboard the ship) who was about her age and who had the peculiar first name of Asahel.  Asahel Curtis, or Mr. Curtis, as she addressed him.  He was traveling to Alaska not solely to prospect for gold but also to document the life and adventures of the prospectors with his camera, a large wooden box-shaped apparatus propped atop long, stilt-like wooden legs.  With the help of his assistant, a rugged, bearded man named Lyle, who was approximately Laurette’s age, he took a picture of the two women aboard the ship as it stood in dock at Prince George, British Columbia, to load coal.  He showed them the negative of their image on the glass plate and promised to give them each a copy of the photograph once they had all returned to Seattle.  He explained how he would be sending all his plates back to his brother Edward at their studio in Seattle for developing, and how one day his photographic chronicle of the great historic event of the gold rush would be renowned.
Maddie was impressed by his clear purpose and quiet confidence.  She and Asahel Curtis continued to converse as the Rosalie resumed its voyage through the coastal passages, between the craggy and densely forested islands and farther into the northern cold and wilderness.  Maddie expressed genuine interest in his vocation, so popular of late but still, according to Asahel, in its infancy.  He explained how he wished to be out among his subjects, not distancing himself from them as so many studio photographers did—which was why he was venturing north.
“I want to experience what they experience, first-hand and for myself.  Or you might even say, I want the camera to experience what they experience.”
Based on her only two occasions of being photographed, this simple comment made sense to Maddie.  The first time was in Cleveland when Chester wanted to have a man-and-wife portrait made by a professional photographer—a project that cost them nearly a full day’s wages, only to have the photographer endlessly arranging their attire and scolding them about not holding their pose; and the second time, aboard the steamship the previous day, when Asahel Curtis engaged the two ladies in conversation as he adjusted his equipment, made them feel at ease, told them to relax and be themselves, and then with only a second’s warning, without any chance for them to get into position or become self-conscious (or “unsincere,” as he phrased it), he squeezed the rubber shutter bulb and took their picture.  Maddie tried to protest that her hat had been in disarray and Laurette worried aloud that she had been slouching and might have blinked, but Asahel reassured them they had both looked splendid.
For the remainder of the passage north, Maddie would see Asahel on deck everyday.  In his wool cap he seemed very boy-like.  He would sit quietly on deck and watch the men discussing their plans for reaching Dawson City once the boat arrived in Skagway, where best to seek a claim to stake, how best to spend their new-found riches.  He also wrote in a small notebook with a pencil that he would periodically sharpen with his penknife.  If not for the fact that his assistant Lyle was accompanying Asahel Curtis, Maddie would have feared for his fate in Alaska and the Yukon.  Like the prospectors themselves, he seemed too preoccupied by matters apart from merely surviving.  Yet, unlike the prospectors, he didn’t strike her as a man driven by his ambition for easy wealth.  Rather, he seemed content to merely observe and to take his many photographs, immune to the gold fever that gripped the other men.  Maddie estimated he took two dozen photos or more every day.
She saw little of Chester during these two weeks aboard the Rosalie.  Chester and Morris let Maddie and Laurette set up house in their steerage cabin and most nights took their bedrolls and bunked on deck in the open air with the other men, smoking cheap cigars and drinking rotgut through the extended dusk and well into the night.  One morning just past dawn, while Maddie strolled along the ship’s foredeck, she saw Chester sprawled out asleep between a pile of mooring ropes and another man, a stranger.  The stranger was wrapped in the fine wool blanket that Maddie’s grandmother had spun and woven as a young women in Scotland and that Maddie’s mother had handed down to her as part of her marriage dowry.  Maddie wanted to kick her husband for his disregard for her and yank the blanket away from the stranger lying next to him . . . yet she restrained herself, and when she looked away from the horrid sight of the two men and toward the shore, she saw for the first time the coastal mountains pitching straight up from the white-misted shoreline, so high and steep she had to lean her head back to see their peaks.  The sight startled her.  She wanted to rush to the cabin and draw Laurette out to show her, then find Asahel Curtis and help him carry his camera to the deck to take a picture.  But then, as she continued to stare at the frighteningly beautiful mountains, she also remembered the warnings she had overheard about the passes, Chilkoot Pass and White Pass, and understood what those warnings portended.
When she looked back across the foredeck of the boat, the provisions piled high, the sleeping men strewn about, she spotted Asahel, seated quietly on one of the capstans, his legs crossed, his cap pulled down low on his forehead, and an arm resting across the ship’s metal gunwale.  His camera was set up beside him, not aimed at the mountains in the short distance as Maddie would have expected, but on the men sprawled across the deck.
“A good morning to you,” he said from across the deck after she spotted him.
“Good morning to you, too, Mr. Curtis,” she answered.
“Some of these men won’t make it,” he said offhandedly as she stepped over and around the bodies to reach where he sat.
“It appears that some of them already may not have made it,” she returned.  “My husband perhaps among those unfortunates.”  Maddie pulled her light wrap tighter about her shoulders.  When she reached the port side of the ship, Asahel stood and offered her his seat on the capstan.
“I have to check the light,” he said and stepped behind his camera and tossed the black drapery hanging from its back-end over his head.  Maddie heard the shutter snap, and when he emerged he slid the plate from the side of the camera and set it in a large leather case next to the camera.  “The roll of the ship may be a problem,” he said, “but we’ll just have to wait and see.”  And then, coming from behind the camera to stand beside Maddie, he added, “Don’t worry about your husband.  He’ll make it.  And so shall you.”
Solely on the basis of Asahel Curtis’s own calm, even-measured sense of the world, Maddie accepted this reassurance, groundless as it might have seemed to her right then.  Indeed, she was grateful for it, and in return she wished him success in his endeavors as well, and resumed gazing at the mountains.


Fog obscured the narrow inlet as the Rosalie steamed toward the Skagway docks.  Two other steamships and a paddlewheel boat were already at dock in the small harbor.  Through the fog, the surrounding mountains faintly appeared, snow already whitening their sharp peaks.  White Pass, she could plainly assume, cut straight up the middle between the two parallel ridges receding northeast-ward, away of town.  The inlet was like an arrowhead pointing through the town laid out on the edge of the tideflats, to the base of the mountains, and straight through the pass.
The commotion among the men on board that had been stirred up as they realized they were coming into Skagway subsided as The Rosalie slid through the chill fog and eased up to the dock of rough-hewn timbers.  Maddie and Laurette stood beside each other at the boat’s stern and when it lurched upon first bumping into the dock, Laurette grasped Maddie’s arm.  Maddie knew Laurette’s alarm extended far beyond her temporary loss of balance.  Throughout the entire voyage Laurette had maintained a longaminity that Maddie could not help but admire, and felt lacking in herself.  Rather than complain even once, Laurette spoke repeatedly of Morris’s skills as a craftsman and outdoorsman, and of his unflagging determination, fortitude, and devotion to her.
“It’s all right,” Maddie whispered to her now as she pressed her hand on top of Laurette’s.
Laurette looked at Maddie and then removed her hand from her arm and bravely leaned over the railing to watch the men on the dock tying down the mooring ropes.  Suddenly, as the ship settled itself against the dock, a cheer went up from the men standing three or four deep along the starboard side where the gangplank would be let down.  Maddie looked up and saw Morris coming toward them.
“Where’s Chester?” she called to him as he pushed past the men to reach them.  Without answering her, he took Laurette by the arm and began to lead her back to the cabin.  “Where’s Chester?” Maddie asked him again.
Morris looked over his shoulder and nodded toward the bow, where the mass of men was crowding its way toward the gangplank just then being lowered to the dock.  Picking her husband out from the crowd was impossible.  Most of the men wore either a bowler or some variety of wide-brim felt hat, though a few were smart enough to have fur caps on their head.  Maddie finally just shouted out his name, once, twice, three times, and each time waited for his reply.  Only after the third call did she see an arm rise from the crowd and was able to follow it down to Chester’s familiar face.  When she waved back, he signaled to her to stay where she was.  “I’m going ashore,” she heard him shout back to her.  “Stay on board ‘til I come for you.”
She lowered her arm and watched as Chester inched forward toward the ship’s railing and eventually descended the gangplank.  Once he set foot on the dock, she quickly lost sight of him.
A moment later, Morris and Laurette returned, he carrying one of their trunks and she with a valise in each hand.
“Chester’s gone ashore,” Maddie told them.
“He’s probably gone to get a handcart and wagon,” Morris told her, and guided Laurette forward down the ship’s side.  “We’ll find him,” he added, leaving Maddie frustrated that Chester had not consulted with her on how they would proceed once the ship docked.
She looked up again at the mountains looming over the small, hastily built former mission town, and returned to her cabin to wait.
It took half a day to unload the Rosalie.  Two more steamships entered the inlet and docked adjacent to the Rosalie during the successive hours that Maddie, having eventually made her way by herself down the gangplank and onto the dock, waited for the ship’s crew to unload the hold and deliver her and Chester’s provisions to them.  Chester and Morris paid a wagoner by the hour to wait with them, at the ready, while Maddie and Laurette sat patiently on their steamer trunks watching the commotion along the dock.  Dozens of Indian men, Chilkats, accompanied by their women in headcloths and toting children, worked the docks, haggling with prospectors in an effort to contract with them to haul their gear through the pass.  Maddie watched from a distance as Chester, growing more frustrated with the delays by the ship’s crew to unload the hold and itching to start the long trek to the gold fields, pushed away an Indian man who pressed his services on him.  A scuffle ensued.  Two more Chilkats—short, compact, powerful men—came to their fellow’s aid, shouting in their language at Chester, who now began peering anxiously about the dock as if seeking a weapon to seize hold of, someone to back him up, or else an escape route.  Morris quickly interceded, placating the men by offering each a generous plug cut of his tobacco.  Yet when the Indian men accepted his offer and moved on down the dock, Maddie could hear Chester still cussing them.
“Damn Injuns,” he fumed as he came up to her, shooed her off the trunk where she sat, and after opening it begin rummaging through its contents.  “Damn animals get right in your face . . . What’s a fellow to do?  Where’s my Bowie knife . . . ?”  When he found the long-handled knife in its leather sheath, he tucked it inside the front waist of his pants and pulled his canvas jacket over it.  He closed the trunk lid and, without another word to Maddie, returned to where Morris and the wagoner sat on the back of the buckboard wagon.
Later that day, Maddie asked him if they ought not to go into town to find lodging, and Chester said no, that from now on, or at least until they reached Dawson City, they would be sleeping outdoors.  “That’s why we have to get a move on before the lakes and rivers freeze,” he told her.  “That’s why we can’t be standing around waiting like this, dammit.”
Maddie hadn’t heard anything about the lakes and rivers, just the mountain passes, and wondered what her husband was talking about.  It wouldn’t surprise her, though, if he had kept from her some vital piece of information about their journey.  Since the day the S.S. Portland arrived in Seattle and he came back to their room at the flophouse with his sliver of gold, Chester had become increasingly distracted and uncommunicative.  Sometimes, when he looked at Maddie, she had to wonder if he even recognized her.  The change in his behavior at first did not fully register with her, but before long it seemed to take over the man who, back in New Jersey, could so readily charm her.
When their gear and supplies were finally unloaded from the ship and piled onto the wagon, their foursome made its way into town, the edge of which was just a few hundred yards from the docks.  From what Maddie could gather, the plan was to have the wagon haul their gear to the trailhead outside of town, where they would make camp, and then from there begin the successive trips required to pack their gear and supplies over the pass to the first of what she now understood would be a series of the lakes they would have to cross.
As they entered Skagway, the town throbbed with activity, offering a scene like none Maddie had ever witnessed or could have imagined.  It seemed as if all the taverns, gambling houses, flophouses, floozy hotels, cheap eateries, and overpriced outfitting stores that comprised the area below Seattle’s Deadline were compressed into Skagway’s four-block thoroughfare.  The street was planked, yet the boards had long ago sunk below the surface of the ankle-deep mud and horse manure.  With no room on the wagon bed and the team of two mules struggling just to pull the weight of their provisions, the four of them trudged alongside the wagon as best they could while the wagoner held his mules by their bridles and pulled them forward.  Maddie was relieved that she had taken the time to pin up her skirts during the long morning wait, allowing her knickers to serve as mud spats.  She was helpless, however, against the wet that had already soaked through both shoes and stockings to her feet and ankles, chilling them to the bone.  She and Laurette clung to one another’s forearm for balance and slogged on the best they could.
The progress of everyone else through this slough of mud and manure, especially those people right off the boats, whether on foot or with hired wagons, tended north through town toward the trailhead leading up through the mountain pass.  The more Maddie saw of the town, the greater her relief that they would not be stopping there for the night.  It presented a reckless, dangerous appearance, men and horses everywhere, a din of drunken, angry, riled-up shouting punctuated by frequent and apparently random gunfire.  For the first time since leaving New Jersey, Maddie had a severe pang of longing for her Trenton homeplace.  It all seemed so distant and so long ago . . . her childhood, her parents, her simple home beside the railroad tracks.  She knew it could never be regained.  She would instead, if she had her wish, be content simply to return to Seattle.  If she could only make it back to Seattle, she thought, knowing that the most arduous leg of this journey still lay ahead . . . if she could only make it back..
Toward the middle of town, Chester and Morris called to the wagoner, a grizzled old-timer with a torn and soggy cigar stub stuck in the corner of his mouth, to stop and wait for them while they entered an outfitting store.  The store was the last in a row of three storefronts that were part of a two-story wood-plank structure, the Red Onion Cafe and Pay Streak Saloon being the other two.  As Maddie and Laurette waited for their husbands to return, Maddie spotted Asahel Curtis and his rough-bearded assistant, Lyle, exiting the Red Onion Cafe.  She wanted to call out and greet them, but she knew such forward behavior, even here on the streets of Skagway, was unbecoming a lady.  Yet to her delight, when Asahel Curtis turned from Lyle and saw her and Laurette standing there beside the wagon, he hopped down from the raised boardwalk and came forward to greet them.
Maddie nodded to Asahel and Lyle as they approached, and said, “I’ll have to insist, Mr. Curtis, that no photographs be taken while we’re in this compromised condition,” and indicated their muddy shins and then the mules’ rear end behind which they stood.
“I wouldn’t dare,” said Asahel, “though you two ladies present the most dignified and charming aspect of this mulish town,” and then looking about added, “Welcome to Alaska, ladies.  We’ll no doubt be crossing paths again in the course our mutual portage inland.”
Barely had he finished speaking when Chester and Morris came around the side of the building where the outfitting store was, pulling three sleds behind them through the mud.  They heaved each sled atop the tottering wagon and then turned to face the two men speaking to their wives.  Maddie made the introductions, surprised that her husband and Asahel Curtis had not once met during the entire two-week sailing from Seattle.  Upon being introduced, Asahel extended his hand, but Chester, instead of shaking hands with him, turned and tossed a rope over the top of the sleds stacked on the wagon.
“You’re that picturetaker, aren’t you?” Chester said and fastened his end of the rope to a hook on the wagon’s sideboard.
“Yes,” Asahel replied.  “Maybe I can take a photograph of you all sometime.”
“I don’t think so,” Chester answered him.  “We’re here to find gold and that don’t leave time for posing for pictures.  That goes for my wife and me alike.”
“I’m here to find gold, too,” Asahel said, “and to take pictures.”
“Well, good luck to you,” said Morris, stepping in, again filling the role of conciliator.
“Good luck to you, too,” said Asahel, and stepped back from the wagon, tipping his newsboy cap to Maddie and Laurette as Chester signaled the wagoner to get a move on.
Disgusted at her husband’s behavior, Maddie nodded to Asahel and Lyle, took Laurette’s arm again, and followed behind the wagon in its tracks.  They quickly left the town behind and joined the tattered line of people trudging along the wagon trail that gradually inclined toward the encampment at the base of White Pass.  The entire way, she didn’t speak a word.  It seemed that the ugliest aspects of Chester’s character had come to the fore since their docking in Skagway.  She had seen this side of him before, off and on, rarely in Trenton, but more frequently in Cleveland and then Seattle—his irritability, his short-temperedness, his ill-manner toward others—and she didn’t care for it.  He complained incessantly about their money and grumbled that everyone else had an unfair advantage over them in the rush to the gold fields.  She repeatedly told him aboard the Rosalie—that is, when she saw him—that if this undertaking was beyond their means or too strenuous for them, then they ought to do the smart thing and turn back.  Which only made him lash out at her for making such a proposal.
“Then stop complaining,” she told him the last time this exchange occurred, leading him to push past her out of the ship’s cabin, not to be seen or heard from again until they reached Skagway.
About four miles out of town the wagon tracks they followed narrowed and grew more steep.  The air turned colder as they advanced into the mountains and night came on.  They passed a waterfall that seemed to pour straight from a rift in the mountainside, sending up a cloud of mist as the water crashed onto the mossy rocks below.  The leaves on the trees had already turned—mostly brown and yellow, some red—and were beginning to drop to the forest floor.  When a breeze blew, a shower of leaves fluttered across the path of the wagon track.  Finally, along with a caravan of a dozen or so other groups, some on foot with their gear on their backs, others with handcarts, and still others with hired wagons, they arrived at an open pasture beside a wide stream flowing directly from the mouth of the mountain pass that receded northward and eastward before them.
Prospectors overran the pasture.  It were as if a whole new town were forming at this very spot to rival the one they had left behind just hours earlier.  Dozens of tents were pitched about the grounds.  Dogs roamed between the tents or were tied to posts.  Men chopped wood, smoked, and played cards on overturned fruit crates while at various fire pits women stirred long wooden spoons in pots and skillets.  There was even a scattering of children—which broke Maddie’s heart, to think of the hardship these babes would be made to endure.  The scene resembled a vast army camp or field hospital, similar to Matthew Brady’s daguerreotypes of the war between the states, which made her understand all the more why Asahel Curtis had come here.  Maddie guessed there were over a thousand people crammed into the pasture, all waiting their turn to traverse White Pass.
Their wagon slowed to a stop at the edge of the encampment and the wagoner looked down at Chester from the driver’s bench and growled to him, “Pick your spot, mister.”
“All these people come looking for gold?” Chester asked him.
The wagoner pulled back the brake on the wagon and laughed.  “Them, you, me, my two mules here, even the right honorable mayor of Seattle.  It ain’t the scenery we’re here for, mister.”
Even before leaving Seattle, Maddie had heard the story about the city’s mayor, how after hearing about the gold while visiting San Francisco he had cabled in his resignation and hired a team of men to take him straightaway to Alaska.  It was just one more sign that something was wrong with all this gold fever.  People were acting crazy.  And looking now over the hordes of gold seekers spread out across this streamside pasture, their faces haggard and their tents and flannel shirts mud-caked just a day or two after they’d disembarked from the boats that brought them here, Maddie knew her ill sense of this venture was well founded.  But it was too late now, for her or all the others alike.  They would all be going forward.  Even from where she stood at the pasture’s edge, she could see men moving up the pass, their backs burdened with loads piled a yard high over their heads, while other men loped wearily back down the trail without packs, returning to fetch the next load.  Maddie vowed to herself then and there—a moment she remembered still—that, riches or no, she would survive the ordeal that lay head for her.  Scared as she was, she wouldn’t let it defeat her.
When the wagoner asked again where to, Chester pointed to a spot between two tents near the trailhead, and the three men, because the wagon could not advance any farther, began carrying their combined outfit to that spot.  As they did so, Maddie and Laurette set about clearing the ground for the tent, finding wood for the pit fire, and unpacking the food provisions so they could prepare their first meal in the Alaskan wilderness.
Later that night, shortly after Maddie and Laurette finished scrubbing the skillet and washing the coffee pot in the stream, snow began to fall from the pale night sky.  People in the camp stopped talking, suspended their chores, and looked up as the first white flakes drifted down.  The scene seemed to signal both wonderment and dread—the soft air so quiet and still, the prospect of a heavy downfall so ill-boding.
Maddie and Laurette returned to their tent area from the stream and found Chester and Morris strapping portions of their outfit to the sleds they had bought in town.
“We’ll pack out tomorrow,” Morris said, speaking to Laurette.
Chester pulled hard on a rope from one side of the sled.  “Get on top and push that down,” he told Maddie, and following his orders she climbed atop the load piled high on the sled and pushed down on it so the rope would slacken enough for Chester to tie it down.
“How many trips do you suppose it will take?” she asked him.
“People are saying at least twelve, maybe as many as twenty.  But with you two pulling a sled between you—” he raised his chin to indicate Laurette—“we can cut that down.”  He took his Bowie knife out and cut the rope above the knot he’d just made.
The snow was becoming a steady swirl through the air, clinging to the creases in the tent, gathering in the cresses of the oilskin canvas covering the sleds, and dusting the ground where there wasn’t yet mud.
“This will be our only night here,” Chester added and put his knife away.  “So do what you need to do and turn in.”
It was still dark when, a mere four or five hours later, Maddie heard stirrings outside the tent and woke up.  She climbed out from beneath the blankets where she lay next to Laurette, put on her coat, mittens, earmuffs, and hat, and stepped out of the tent to discover that several inches of snow covered the ground—and that it was still coming down.  Morris saw Maddie emerge from the tent and told her to wake Laurette.
“We’ll need breakfast ‘fore starting out,” he said.
Maddie ducked back inside the tent, roused Laurette, and then set about mixing biscuits and grinding coffee.  She didn’t know what time it was and didn’t much care.  She had gotten some sleep, but not nearly enough to keep her from feeling groggy almost to the point of nausea.  She also thought that maybe her woman issues were coming upon her sooner than usual.  Laurette eventually joined her in preparing the breakfast, and by the time the food was cooked and they were all eating it, the sky was turning less dark and the snow was easing up.
As they brought the plates, cups, and skillet back to the stream to clean them, Maddie and Laurette again encountered Asahel and Lyle.  The two men had an entire sled loaded with photographic equipment and supplies.  The camera, propped on its three-legged stand, stood before their tent.  They all four greeted one another in passing but didn’t stop to chat.  When Laurette stumbled and dropped the plates she carried, Lyle quickly stepped up to aid her.  He was about to tip his hat to her, but when he realized he was hatless, he just smiled at her instead.  Laurette smiled back and continued on her way to the stream.
When they returned to their campsite, Chester told them which sled they would be pulling and showed them the best way to do so—in tandem, holding in front of them a yard-long pole to which a pull-rope to the sled was tied, and then walking steadily forward.  He and Morris, who would each be pulling his own sled, then picked up the pull-ropes for their sleds and showed them how.
“We’ll go slow,” he said, and repeated, “but steady,” and then with a tug began pulling his sled out of camp, followed next by Maddie and Laurette, with Morris taking up the rear.
Less than fifty yards past the encampment, the trail turned far more narrow and steep.  It was also slippery, and Maddie and Laurette had to wedge their boots into the snowy slush for traction.  Fortunately, one advantage of the snow was that the sled pulled more smoothly than it would have over mud.  They had been pulling for about twenty minutes when just ahead of them a large outcropping of rocks forced the trail to curve to the left and out of view.  Seeing this obstacle, Maddie and Laurette paused long enough to let Morris pass.  Maddie turned to look back at the encampment that now lay below them, and at its edge she saw Asahel Curtis with his camera aimed directly at them.  She nudged Laurette with her elbow, and again the two of them put their combined weight and strength into pulling their sled up the trail.
It took their group two trips back to the encampment that day to advance all their gear just five miles into the wilderness.  At one point along the trail they passed the treacherous ravine where a dozen horses had already fallen or been thrown when they became too exhausted to go any farther, and now lay dead, their carcasses rotting.  To Maddie, it began to feel at times as if Chester were pushing them in a manner not unlike the owners of those dead horses, fearful as he was of not reaching Lake Bennett before it froze and having to wait out the harsh winter on its shores.
By the end of the day, Maddie’s boots were again wet through to her skin and her skirt black with mud nearly to her waist.  In several places, usually along the steepest passages along the trail, ice had already begun to form.  Every once in a while Maddie, and sometimes Laurette, would lose her footing and fall.  Twice the men had to backtrack to help the women haul their sled past the next cutback in the trail, which only frustrated Chester, who began to blame Maddie for delaying them.
“Do you want to end up like one of those packhorses back there, your carcass at the bottom of a gulch?” he said to her at one point.  “Is that what you want?  Because if you do, that’s what you’ll get.  Or better yet, we’ll all freeze to death with you when we can’t reach Dawson by winter.”
Maddie refused to respond to these outbursts.  She knew better.  Hadn’t she always heard that, worse even than being unprepared in the wilderness, was losing one’s head and panicking?  Well, she wasn’t about to lose her head or panic, even if her husband did.  She took the pull-rope from him and continued hauling her and Laurette’s sled up the trail.


One week later they reached Lake Bennett, a long icy-blue stretch of water high in the Yukon mountains.  The encampment along the shore of the lake appeared nearly as large as the one just outside of Skagway at the head of White Pass.  Men were busy felling trees and burning and carving them out for canoes, or planing them to tie together into flatboats, or generally constructing any manner of craft that would float them the remaining 500 miles to Dawson City.  There were also boats for hire, including a small paddlesteamer.  To Chester’s credit, the reason he had refused to hire Indian packers, he now told their party, was to hold back enough money to book them passage on a boat.  Yet as they soon discovered, the paddlesteamer was beyond even their combined means and they would have to settle for hiring a common flatboat instead.  The boatman they eventually found to take them had already made seven trips that summer and boisterously assured them that he could get them safely to Dawson City.
They stayed shoreside for two nights in order to rest the first day and loaded the boat the second day.  Then on their third morning at Lake Bennett, they pushed off with all their provisions aboard what seemed to Maddie little more than a floating wagon, and began their long drift even farther northward.  Though still short-tempered with Maddie, Chester seemed satisfied: they had outrun the hard freeze that would have trapped them on the lake’s shore until spring.
The first several days aboard the flatboat went by smoothly as they traversed the four connected lakes—Bennett, Lindemann, Tagish, and Marsh.  By the fifth day, after Lake Marsh, as they entered the headwaters of the Yukon River flowing from the lake, the passage narrowed and turned more turbulent.  Before they entered Squaw Rapids, their boatman brought the craft ashore and battened everything down with extra ropes, and then warned his passengers that the next bit of river might turn a bit rough and that the men would need to work the oars exactly as he told them to.
The warning frightened Maddie, and, as it turned out, rightfully so.  As they made their way into the rapids, the roiling waters churned brown and tossed the flatboat about like a child’s float toy.  Maddie and Laurette clung to their battened-down outfit while the men plied the oars in the water and the boatman worked the rudder to guide them through the treacherous whitewater.  A constant spray soaked their clothes and chilled them even worse than their initial fear of the rapids.  Finally, they seemed to make it through the worse section of Squaw Rapids, yet a short while later the boatman informed them that they were approaching Whitehorse Rapids and shouldn’t bother to dry off.
Along this next series of rapids, which were fiercer than the last, Maddie could make out the wreckage of boats that had broken up and been scattered along the river’s boulder-strewn shore.  At one point, when the front of their boat rose nearly vertical into the air and came down with a loud slap, she feared their boat might be next, that it would just disintegrate with the next series of rapids.  Yet the small flatboat remained intact and soon the waters smoothed out again, and that night they made camp at the northern most end of Lake Laberge, where the boatman declared that they were half way to Dawson City.
Over the next several days they passed the confluence of the Teslin River and the Big and Little Salmon Rivers, and, in fulfillment of these rivers’ names, every night the men caught sockeye salmon as big as a baby and laid them between two grill racks to be turned over the open fire until the tender reddish meat just flaked away from the oily skin.  Maddie caught much of the salmon grease and mixed it in with the cornmeal and flour and made cornpone that everyone said tasted good and soon began referring to as Maddie’s famous salmon biscuits.  One night Morris shot a deer that wandered right down to the river’s edge, and they skinned and gutted it and ate venison steaks that night and for the remainder of the trip.
At night the temperature dropped, occasionally bringing more snow, and in the morning they had to chop away at the ice along the shore to free the boat.  At Five Fingers Rapids, when they hit a particularly violent sequence of rapids, the boatman slipped and lost control of the rudder, which sent the boat into a spin as Chester and Morris desperately tried to straighten it.  They collided with several rapids, backwards and sideways, and it seemed they wouldn’t be able to regain control of the boat when, by skill or good fortune or some of both, the three men managed to guide the boat through the last of the rapids and pull it ashore.  When the boatman plunged his arm down into the frigid water and reached below the boat to feel for damage, he found the rudder had snapped in half, so for the rest of the afternoon they had to work to fashion a new rudder from the debris that they found from less fortune craft—the same debris Maddie had begun to notice a few days earlier.
When at last they glided past the Klondike River where it met the Yukon River and floated into Dawson City, the boatman congratulated them all on successful voyage, dropped their outfit onto a short rickety dock, collected the second installment of his fee from Chester, and pushed off for farther down river where he said he had a little shack where he stayed.  The four of them—Maddie and Chester, Laurette and Morris—stood on the dock and looked at the sprawl of hastily built two-room houses and two-story buildings and large and small tents that spread out from the river and right up to the hillside behind the booming city.  No one, not even Chester, who had spurred them on to get to Dawson City as fast as they could, knew what they would do next or where they should go.  Supposedly Morris knew of an agent who contracted men to work the valley around Eldorado Camp on Bonanza Creek, but he couldn’t remember the man’s name right now.  Chester counted their money and proposed that the men keep guard of their outfit on the dock while the women take a room in one of the clapboard hotels on Front Street, which stretched from one end of the riverfront to the other.  In the morning, Chester told them, they would find Morris’s man and hire a wagon to take them to the gold fields.

Cover of Madison House
Madison House
Peter Donahue 
Available April 2006
528 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-0-5

Poe Ballantine

A Piano Player Enters the Room

Chick Chom Tang and I are very much alike: childless,
suburban-bred, TV-culture baby boomers who somehow missed the
boat on the Promises of Youth. Neither of us has ever come close to
marriage. Both of us have been poor (by American standards) all of
our adult lives. As solid and supportive as our families have been,
they probably still regard us as disappointments, diffi cult to explain
in the annual Christmas letter, the funny uncles in the family tree.
We console each other in weekly beer-drinking sessions, telling fond
tales of childhood and ancient female conquest. The strong difference
between us is that, while I try to be realistic about my circumstances,
Chick believes his life has not yet begun.

Chick has been my next-door neighbor at this small-town residential
motel in central Kansas for almost two years. Tall and pale,
with long dangling arms and tousled brown hair and a large purplish
nose, Chick was born in Topeka, Kansas, and raised in Greensboro,
North Carolina. His real name is Melvin Bodger Witherby. He
calls himself Chick because he dislikes the name Melvin. The Chom
Tang part came to him, he claims, with mystical and artistic insinuations,
while he was walking the streets of Honolulu at age twentyeight
as a fi rst-year member of the United States Navy.
Chick’s favorite subjects are Tarzan, Carlos Castaneda, L. Ron
Hubbard (the science-fi ction writer who founded fifi Scientology), music,
and especially art. Though primarily a piano player, Chick has also
mastered many other instruments, including the banjo, the violin,
and the tenor saxophone. He admits that he doesn’t quite have the
talent to be a Charlie Parker or a Thelonious Monk, and over the
years he has lost much of his interest in playing. “Music is my rudder,”
he likes to say. “It has brought me this far, but it is behind me
now.”
Chick is forty-one (I am forty-three) and attends the state university
two miles east of here. He entered on a music scholarship and
six months later switched to physics. Now he is an art major. That
he has not become a successful artist, painter, writer, or musician, he
insists, is the fault of his parents, who did not give him proper and,
more important, early enough exposure in these areas. He has given
up on his parents, his brothers and sisters too. They don’t understand
or appreciate him or what he is trying to become. They can’t relate to
Chick Chom Tang. He has no more contact with his friends back in
North Carolina either. He subsists on and pays tuition with his G.I.
Bill and government loans. Most of his life he has lived under the
spon sorship or protection of some institution or relative. Chick was
honorably discharged from the navy when he was thirty-fi ve. He has
not worked in two years and intends to keep it this way.

Chick likes to think that once his art studies are completed, he will
become creative — not in any minor problem-solving or songwriting
sense, as he is now, but in a manner that borders on, perhaps even
falls within, the realm of genius. He believes, by the empirical application
of certain as-yet-unknown principles, the mysteries of the creative
mind will someday be revealed to him. He has read num erous
books on the subject and reconstructed the creative process of many
famous artists. He is working on a brain-hemisphere theory, a returnto-
the-cradle theory, and a psychological system of creativity induction
called “fl ux” that will take ten or fi fteen years to master. Once he
has assimilated and harmonized all of these, he believes, he will be
privileged with artistic knowledge beyond that of any other practitioner
on earth.
Beginning at age forty-six, Chick asserts, he will fi nd his ideal
mate, sire children, and teach them all the valuable things his parents
never taught him: how to tend animals, fi x cars, defend themselves,
create art, and so forth. He will not likely produce symphonies and
sculpture until much later. A grand future must be meticulously prepared
for. All great ideas must be thoroughly explored: love, for
example, which Chick insists is a force, not an emotion. I believe he
says this because he does not understand or is too afraid of love, the
emotion, and quantifying it as if it were a physical property takes the
sting out of not having been successful at it. This is also, I’m sure,
what he is trying to do with art, perhaps with every intangible goal
he fi nds unobtainable in life.
Chick explains to me that the reason I have failed in all my relationships
with women is because I don’t understand this elemental
principle of love = force. (I thought it was because I was a chump.) This
doesn’t explain why he, too, has failed in all his relationships, but
that is another matter. Chick is presently infatuated with a fellow art
student who is twenty-one. His feelings for her are clearly unreciprocated,
and I have tried to convince him of this. I don’t often directly
challenge Chick’s fantasies, but it’s only right to tackle a blind man
about to be run over by a streetcar: he already has two formal sexualharassment
charges (trumped up, he says) fi led against him at the
university. One more and he will be out on his own, with no place to
turn. He has run out of friends, relatives, and institutions. I try to jar
him with the facts: “Look at yourself, Chick. You’re forty-one. You’ve
never had any kind of lasting relationship with a woman. Do you
think things are suddenly going to change? Why would they?”
For our weekly beer-drinking sessions, Chick and I always convene
in my room (with the blue vinyl armchair, the shamrock green
carpet, the cracked vanity mirror, and the chintzy Second Empire
desk and dresser). He is not equipped for visitors. Chick is a self-proclaimed
misanthrope and anarchist. I am the only person in this
com plex he can stand, the only one who can relate to him, the only
one patient and interested enough to pursue his company. He enjoys
talking about himself. Our discussions are sometimes reminiscent
of a clinical counseling session, with me in the role of counselor.
“Have you ever prayed to God to die?” he asks.
“Oh, yes. One or two hundred times.”
He holds out his hands. “And here we are.”
“God doesn’t want us to die, I guess.”
“Maybe he isn’t there to answer our prayers.”
“Maybe asking God to die isn’t really a prayer.”
“He only kills the weak ones.”
“Then he should’ve killed me years ago.”
Chick smiles at me with pity. He often boasts that he is descended
from Viking stock. “What is my weakness?” he asks.
“I don’t want to recite your weaknesses,” I say, “because I don’t
like people reciting mine. I know what mine are. You know what
yours are.”
“C’mon,” he urges. “Tell me what my weakness is.”
I try to think of a friendly way to say that he lives in a fantasy
world. He believes, for instance, that he can intercept the thoughts
and feelings of women who are in love with him. He consults with
and receives messages from “The Universe.” He believes that he possesses
telepathic powers that allow him to communicate with plants
and insects. At twenty-six, he lived in a small converted garage with
a roach problem, which he claims he solved one night after speaking
telepathically with a female albino roach “emissary” who appeared
out of the drain in his bathroom sink. He once lived for free on a
little plot of wooded land in North Carolina, where he walked about
naked and climbed trees for a few months. Trees, he claims, are his
only source of love. He planted tomatoes too late this year, but talked
with confi dence of their extraordinary ability to last and even produce
through the winter. (His only knowledge of plants comes from
a book called The Findhorn Garden, a modern account of a miraculous
Scottish garden invested with pagan spirits.) Chick conversed
with his tomatoes daily and the tomatoes instructed him in what to
do: which weeds to pull, when to water, and so on. When harvest
time came, his tomatoes were rather small and sickly, many of them
splitting and decomposing on the vine before they could ripen. All
the plants died with the fi rst frost in late October, and they now hang
brown against their string restraints, the green fruit rotting into the
ground. Chick believes that the concept of destruction is a fl aw in
the universal plan. When I admitted to him that I often had to write
ten bad stories to get a single good one, he refused to believe me. Only
later did he identify some defect as the source of my diffi culty.
So now, when he asks me to name his weakness, I summarize his
general outlook on life by saying, I hope kindly: “You’re too idealistic.”
“Wrong,” he says, with a hearty, easy grin. “I’m lazy.”

Cover of Things I Like About America
Things I Like About America
Poe Ballantine 
Available September 2002
224 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-1-7

The next day after spending all morning at Abb’s along Sunset Cliffs trying to scrub my dirty soul in the surf of the sea, I drive back inland to visit my friend Pat Fillmore, a Blackfoot Indian of twenty-five years who is around five foot six and weighs in at two hundred pounds.  We have been drinking companions for about six months now, ever since she escaped from Montana and became employed as a nurse’s aide at Lemon Acres.  She is the ruddy, fun loving sort of girl who slams you on the back in greeting and displaces your spine.  Her reasons for leaving Montana are unspecified though she, like so many others flooding into the state, has an obvious California Dream, and once she mentioned standing before a judge who said something to the effect of: I don’t ever want to see you in Bozeman again.
Entering quietly without a knock, I find Pat slouched in her hairy plaid couch, muttering drowsily, one burly arm laid up along the wall, her big shot-putter’s legs crossed, her face a vivid, high-blood-pressure crimson.  She is wearing denim racing cap, baggy bright purple parrot shirt, Wrangler cutoffs, and thick red flip-flops.  Her toenails are painted candy-apple red.  She lives by herself in this large, breezy, one-bedroom apartment, which as a nurse’s aide making a dime over minimum wage is only made possible by the generous checks she receives from the government for being an Indian.
Pat holds up a pebbled pink-glazed tumbler and stares at me in a haze of wonder as if I am Robert Peary just returned against all odds from the blizzards of Northern Greenland.  On the counter is a pink puddle in the middle of which sits a nearly finished half-gallon jug of Gallo rose.  There are dishes piled in the sink and a smell like Top Ramen, scrambled eggs, and Pine-Sol.
“What happened to you?” she squawks.
“I went to the beach.”
“Son of a beach,” she says.  “You should’ve called me.  I was worried.  You said you were coming over this afternoon.”
“It is afternoon.”
“But it’s late.  I started drinking wine.  Look, I almost finished it.  I thought you got arrested.  What were you doing at the beach, surfing?”  She ejects the word from her lips as if it were a worm.  “How come you didn’t come get me?  My goddamn leg is asleep.”  She climbs out of the couch and stumps around arthritically until she is standing at the counter in front of me, bottleneck in hand.  She dribbles the last of her Gallo into the tumbler.  “Did you buy the DICA?”  DICA is our code word for LSD, ACID spelled backwards.
I produce the sheet from my wallet and flourish it like Thomas Jefferson after penning the last dot on the Bill of Rights.  “Twenty hits,” I say proudly.
“What kind is it?”
“Clearlight,” I say.
The only drugs Pat got to try up in Montana were Wild Turkey and Marlboro 100’s, but she has been making up for lost time.  “What did we have last time?”
“Orange Barrel.”
“Is this as good?”
“This will make Orange Barrel look like Johnson and Johnson baby aspirin.”
She presses her hands together prayer fashion under her chin.  “My TURTLE died.”
“It is the most powerful LSD of all time,” I add.  “It will make you forget what geological epoch you are in.”
She tips back the last of her wine, her lower jaw and tongue extended so as not to miss a drop.  “I don’t even know what geological whatever you call it I’m in NOW,” she declares, wide-eyed.  “Can we drop now?”
“Are you sure you want to?”
She cuffs the back of my head.  “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Coyote dogs might steal you and carry you off to raise you in the hills.”
“That happened once to my cousin Burfie.  We never saw him again, except once I think he knocked over our trashcans…”
The Clearlight, or Four-Way Windowpane, as it is sometimes called, comes in gelatin tabs about the size of your eye pupil that are embedded into a sheet of aluminum foil and intended to be divided into four doses, hence the term “four-way.”  I like a double dose myself, half a tab.  I don’t mind forgetting my geological epoch, not being particularly fond of the one I have been assigned to.  I snap one of the tabs in half on a cutting board in the kitchen with a razor blade.
We swallow the miniscule chips of potent amber and immediately drive to the liquor store for beer.  Pat is a fascinating person to me, not only because she was raised on an Indian reservation in a highly restricted and conservative environment with only Perry Como on the radio, but also because she can buy booze.  She quivers with a desperate and unquenchable loneliness that frequently erupts into full blown fits of par-tee fever, which is precisely where I am at in my development, having just hatched from the soft larval stage of suburban puberty into the bright lights of a cultural revolution whose script was written by horny old men for bored, First World teenagers: seek unabashedly pleasure, reject all authority, distrust any wisdom not from a foreign country, sha la la la la la live for today.
Our bizarrely harmonious friendship is marred only by her radical alcohol-induced personality changes, her tendency to brawl, and the gloomy, misanthropic women who occasionally appear at her door, especially Carol, an attractive young artist who draws pictures of naked women with prominent crucifix or women’s symbol clitori and who always gives me the nervous feeling she is flirting with me in a way where I will end up in a closet with a pair of scissors in my chest.
By the time we get back to Pat’s Marengo Drive green-shagged one-bedroom apartment with the Maxfield Parrishes on the walls and the hairy plaid furniture and all the plants hanging Babylonian fashion in crocheted nets from the acoustic ceiling, the world is already crackling at the edges and we are beginning to flush and grin and lose eye contact.
Pat against my advice has bought a bag of cheese puffs.  She wrestles with the grocery bag, trying to extract the beer.  I grab a handful of cheese puffs.  “Why do you feel dirty in your soul?” she says, ripping the tab off a tall Coors and licking at the hump of foam like a camel at a button of salt.
“Chula,” I answer, crunching away on the cheese puffs.  “Gimme one of those beers.”
“You need to find a nice girl,” she says.
“Who?”
Pat has to think, chin rested on the back of her hand.  “How about Horse?”  She laughs in appreciation of her wit.
I guzzle back my Coors, which tastes like water with gold flecks and faint swirls of radon.  The truth is that Horse, an antisocial Lemon Acres swing shift aide who lives in a small muddy Lakeside trailer exclusively in service to her muscular stallions, is not a bad looking girl.  Easy to make fun of because of her long narrow face, sloping withers, and pronounced front teeth, I have nevertheless admired her secretly many times as she has walked away down the aisle, and I don’t mind peeking into her rooms as she leans over to pull up a bedrail or yank out a bottom sheet. 
“You could have your own ponies,” Pat adds, whinnying at me.  She traipses away leaving me thinking about Horse, who wears these thin short nylon see-through dresses over her dark and perspiring muscular body.  There is also something appealing about women who do not think they are beautiful.  Girls who get what they want are never really pretty.  I notice that my hands are orange as if I have murdered a cartoon character and I am suddenly parched and strangling from salt as if I have dumped one of those dehydrated macaroni and cheese packets down my throat.  I find another beer and stroll into the living room to sit down.  Life is a show just for me, I think.  And my mind is a jukebox full of scrambled and broken pop tunes.  I have to sing them to set them free: 
Freeze the babies, who don’t have enough to eat.
Shoot the children, with no shoes on their feet.
Hose the people, living in the street.
Oh- oh there’s a solution….
Gem-eyed shadows flitter barby-tailed across the walls.  I cross my legs and my knees seem higher than my head.  The curtains spring to life.  The sparkly-sprayed acoustic ceiling begins to hump and crawl.  Pat is out on the balcony hanging over the rail singing Freddy Fender down into the bushes.
I am suddenly seized by a premonition that I will lose all my friends.  A surge of hilarity and panic begins to press in up against my diaphragm and all attempts at suppressing it with beer fail.  On the wall above the television set an op-art image of a big eye stares at me.  I get up and its gaze follows me across the room.  Finally I have to go over and turn it around.
Pat is standing behind me, hands on hips.  “What did you turn my eye around for?”
“It was talking to me.”
“What did it say?”
“It said: ‘Wonder Bread helps build strong bodies twelve ways…’”
She slaps her hip.  “Oh, Jesus my muffins,” she says,  “Son of a BEE-keeper.  Did I tell you?  Did I lose my—swear to GOD!”  She hitches up her cutoffs and swivels her head around, eyes wild in her head.  “Boy, this stuff is STRONG.  Phew!”  She waves her hand back and forth under her chin.  “How long has that song been on?”
“What song?”
“Oh, I thought the—Jesus, my muffins.  Why don’t you turn on the—put on some of that—“  She tips her head over.  “Is the phone ringing?”
“It’s the doorbell,” I cry.  “The milkman’s here!”
“Ahhh!” she cries.
“Let’s get out of here, Pat,” I say.  “The walls are closing down.”
“Where we goin’, Mexico?”  Her eyes search my face.  “I don’t want to go to the trestles again,” she says.  “The last time that train almost knocked out my teeth.  Let’s go to Tijuana.”
“It isn’t Tee-uh-wanna,” I say.  “It’s TEE-WANNA, all right?  TEE-WHFWANNA.  Say that, TEE-FWANNA.”
“TEE-FWA-FWA—I can’t say it.”
“Let’s go to the beach.”
“Son of a PEACH farmer,” she says.  “Let’s boogie.  Lemme change my clothes.  Promise me something before we go.”  She grips my thin arm firmly and implores me with the arched brows of the tragic silent screen star.
“What is it?”
“Say you won’t leave me.”
“Why would I leave you?”
“I have fear of ambamdum—andbandom—however you say it.”
“Abandonment.”
“Yes.”  She gulps from her Coors.  “Promise me.”
“OK, I promise you.”
“Swear to me to God on a Bible.”
“I swear to you to God on a Bible.”
“Not a bubble.  A Bible.”
“That’s what I said, a Bible.”
“Do you have a Bible?”
The drive is treacherous.  Chromium bumpers stream in the fever-green sun as the hard razor-jelly sound of cars whisk past.  My seven-six board is still strapped to the rack, casting a shadow over us like a ridiculous sombrero.  Sometimes you can drive OK on acid.  Sometimes you can do things better on acid than you can in real life.  Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates pitched a no-hitter on acid against the San Diego Padres in 1976, the only no-hitter he ever pitched.  I feel all right behind the wheel, except I am in danger of forgetting where I am.  I have to sing:
Each night before I WET the bed, my Bay-BEE.
Whisper a little PRAYER for me, my Bay-BEE.
“We’d better not go where there are any cliffs,” Pat advises.  “And no train trestles.”
“You’re afraid of heights.”
“Well, you’re afraid of mice.”
“I am what I am.”
“You’re a YAM?” 
“A cop is following me.”
“Tell him to bite me.  Roll down your window.  I’ll tell him.”
“No, wait a minute.  I’m wrong.  Thought it was an oyster but it’s snot.  I see a baboon a-rising.”
“What’s on the radio?” says Pat.  “I don’t want to listen to you sing anymore.”  She begins twisting around the buttons on my dashboard.  “How do you change the… What’s wrong with this goddamn—“
“That’s the heater button.”
She explodes into laughter, snorting so hard the tears squirt out of her eyes.  All that snorting breaks me up too.  We almost suffocate from laughter.  I look down at the speedometer and I am going fifteen miles an hour.
“Stop the car,” Pat pleads, still gasping for air, her face warped in pain, tears shining on her cheeks.  “I can’t breathe.  I’m gonna pee my pants.  Where are we anyway?” she cries.  “St. LOUIS?  Whose idea was that?”  She begins to laugh again, gulps wrong, and gets the hiccups.  “Crap,” she says.  “I’ve got the hick-hick-hiccups.  Crap.  I need a beer.  I got the—hick.  Oh, goddamn it, can you please stop somewhere and let me pee?”
When we arrive at Mission Beach it is already evening and Pat has tried every trick in the book to rid herself of hiccoughs including an ancient Indian remedy that never works, but finally it is almost getting run over by a longhaired old burnout grinding down the boardwalk on a big tricycle that cures her.  We sit on the cement seawall above the busy boardwalk and drink from blue-green bottles of foamy geranium-smelling Lowenbrau.  The taste of the beer makes me happy.  The sand is heaped like snow in twilight and smells of liverwurst and almonds.  The sun plods down into the sea.  The sky is grained with rubies and chocolates and pinks.  Two pretty girls on roller skates sail by leaving an exact phototaxic and chromatic replica of their trajectory.  The ocean waves lift and roll, then snap off in elegant, clean, stained-glass rows.  The shiny sand close in to shore is paved like wet silver and the water in close is as dimpled and hazy as a sheet of scalloped lead crystal.  A girl in a vaporous lavender skirt dances out into the crystal and spins.

Cover of God Clobbers Us All
God Clobbers Us All
Poe Ballantine 
Available September 2003
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-4-1

Poe Ballantine

Chapter 20

The sky is as gawdy blue as the bursting crystals of gin in my headache. I survey the papaya grove. Fried papaya for breakfast, and then you stroll out to the cove and catch a fish. The ravishing native girl stops by in the evening. Eventually she gives you her confidence. Time ceases to be relevant. Suddenly I know why I came.

Flocks of crane flies shift in and out of the sunlight. A swarm of swifts swoops and turns away among the trees. At the fringe of the jungle I lean in for a peek inside. In broad daylight it is dark as a tomb in there. Why does it so vehemently forbid me ? With that bamboo bayonet called a colette I try to chop down a papaya. Alvina scowls at me from her window. Papaya later maybe, I think, ambling amiably down the gravel drive to the road, a long strip of baked and gleaming asphalt with no traffic on it. A thoroughfare any taxpaying, Volvo-owning milk dud would be proud of. Who pays for this road with no traffic on it that does nothing but pass one empty cove after the next ? The wind stirs and everything speaks. Clouds like speckled animal cookies race by.

I stare out into the ruffled, parti-colored sea. The sky is blue until you look at the water : then the sky seems purple. The rocky shore is hard, rust-colored volcano spewage, rough footing. Mountain talked last night about collecting whelk from the cove for another of his marvelous stews. I don’t know what whelk are. Maybe they are gentle creatures with German accents that emit soap bubbles. I remove my shoes, peel off my shirt, set my glasses carefully on top of my shoes, and tootsie-foot over the hardened cauliflower shore to stick a toe in. The water is warm as tea. I crouch down and slide gently in.

The cove is as crazily blue with me in it as it was from a distance. I float on my back for a while and stare up into the fuzzy purple sky. I find myself oddly uninspired. A car whizzes past out on the road and I want to chase after it, find out who is inside, make them give up their secrets. I swim out about forty feet, dive and touch bottom, then return to shore. This is Eden, I think, hands on hips. The genuine article. No doubt about it. Nothing could possibly be more enchanting or naturally honest or pristine. Why am I not changed ?

From up the road north I discern a figure approaching. My glasses are still laid carefully on the tops of my shoes. I arrived with a vague hope that once removed from the artificial strictures of society, my vision would be restored to its native clarity. The figure draws nearer. I stand perplexed on the rocks for a moment, a ball of kazooing gnats like an exploded atomic diagram hovering around my head, my shoes four feet away, the steam whirling off my shoulders. All at once I make out the long knife and the pronounced bowed legs.

With gin-powered acceleration I dive behind the rocks and splash clumsily back into the cove, bumping my knee, heart slapping my ribs. Shhh, you fool. Quietly I wait with just my head poked above the surface, like a myopic turtle.

As Legion nears I prepare to submerge. He is a silent, swiveling, barefoot walker, a Scotsman who’s lost his kilt, the eyes on his pivoting head slashes of yellow neon. Tangled dreadlocks tickle his shoulders like black ropes of tar. Shreds of beard dangle from his jowls and chin. The shining machete suspended somehow in the gird of his loincloth slaps rhythmically against the bulging muscles of his thigh. He wears a necklace around his black throat, curved bits of gleaming ivory, shark teeth, or human finger bones. His bearing is diabolical. He looks straight over at me just at the moment I duck under. I open my eyes underwater to see a school of tiny electric blue fish investigating my ravaged hands. When I pop back up again he is moving up the road, mumbling something, singing perhaps. The melody sounds so eerily like “The Banana Boat Song.”

Cover of Decline of the Lawrence Welk Empire
Decline of the Lawrence Welk Empire
Poe Ballantine 
Available September 2006
354 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-1-3

Poe Ballantine

Blessed Meadows for Minor Poets

At two o’clock in the afternoon on March 18, 1998, while typing up a story on a snowy gray day in room number 8 of the Sunset Motel, Hays, Kansas, I heard the crackle of tires in fresh snow out front. I had just quit the radio antenna factory a month before, having saved enough to write for two more months before I would have to go back. Though I was forty-two and had given up woman, dog, and comfy job for this writing “career,” my life was not taking any significant shape. If I’d been earmarked for success it should’ve happened long ago.
Then someone knocked on my door. It was the FedEx man, standing in the snow. I didn’t know who would be sending me anything FedEx. I signed for the package, thanked him, and closed the door. The letter inside the cardboard envelope read: “It is my pleasure to inform you that Garrison Keillor, guest editor of the 1998 edition of the Best American Short Stories, and I have chosen your story ‘The Blue Devils of Blue River Avenue,’ originally published in The Sun, for inclusion in this year’s volume.”
I thought it must be a joke, though I knew no one who could fabricate such a convincing letter. I had never much liked these Best American Short Stories (BASS), but now, as I reflected on them, I decided they were pretty good after all. I realized this was a huge boost to my “career.” I wondered why they had picked this particular story. It hadn’t been nominated for anything. I’d never gotten one letter on the thing. At the same time I understood that much of what happens in the literary world is a lottery, and I had been plugging away for a while, so maybe it was time for my head to bob up above the sea of drowning writer heads, if only for a few minutes.
I went next door and showed the letter to Chick, my neighbor, who was striving to be a painter and was probably the only one in this residential motel—perhaps in all my circle of working class acquaintances—who could appreciate what had happened. Chick didn’t know what a BASS was, but he recognized the name of the guest editor, Garrison Keillor, and he let out a crow. Chick liked Guinness, so I bought a sixer and we raised a few creamy black draughts to the snowy gray sky in honor of the lottery that consistently rewards artists who do not deserve to win, who are just there, but keeps all us self-proclaimed artists going and fills us with hope. A reward for mere persistence is not such a bad idea.
My parents were thrilled when they heard the news. They had been reading my painful, difficult stories and patiently putting up with my infinitely slow growth, perpetual pennilessness, and occasional collapses for years. Now they had something to tell the neighbors and relatives, who secretly thought I was a bum and would secretly continue to do so, since they had never heard of BASS, and I wasn’t rich yet or on television.
The BASS award paid five hundred dollars—which meant five more weeks away from the factory—plus an additional hundred if my story were deemed fit for an audiotape narrated by Mr. Keillor himself. It was! Imagine that: six hundred dollars for a story that took me only six years to write. If you’re dreaming of the big bucks, fiction writing is definitely the field for you. You might also consider milk delivery, door-to-door encyclopedia sales, or shoeing cart oxen.
I walked around in the clouds for a whole day, telling anyone who would listen about my big jackpot. But then it was time to get back to work. I’d had my little fling with fortune, and if I wanted another, I’d have to sit down and write hard for ten more years, drop as many tickets into the raffle barrel as possible. More importantly, I hoped to sell something to buy one or two more months away from the factory.
But then something even stranger happened: The hallowed American publishing house Burns and Sons (not its real name) asked to see more of my work. Was I under contract? they wanted to know. Did I have an agent? Did I have a novel they could look at? A collection of stories? I told them I had a dozen novels in various states of disrepair, but I had many completed, published stories. They said please send the stories. I couldn’t take them seriously. I thought of stories only as exercises for the novel I would complete one day. No one reads stories. Name me the last collection of stories on the bestseller list. Stop a hundred people on the street and see if one can give you the name of a contemporary short story writer besides Stephen King. If you’re in the mood to lose a quick investment avoid commodities and ponzi schemes and start a magazine that publishes short stories. I had been knocking myself out for ten years and couldn’t even get an agent, and now the largest publisher in the world was blithely asking me to send them a bunch of stories.
Things got even weirder when B&S decided they would publish the stories. I signed a five-year contract for five thousand up front and five thousand upon delivery of manuscript. And since the manuscript was already complete (I thought) I was suddenly two years away from ever having to return to manual labor. My future rolled out to the horizon with red carpets, smoking jackets, and trumpet music: the story collection would sell, B&S would take all twelve of my novels as I spun them into dazzling form, I would tour the country, do Oprah two or three times (Oh, God, Poe you’re wonderful) and mumble at various university podiums for ten thousand a pop about character development and the need for world peace.
I was assigned to an editor. I liked her at first. We’ll call her Virginia. She seemed competent and energetic. She seemed to have a good sense of humor. She seemed overworked. She thought my stories were “terrific.” Even if she was young (she imagined that children in 1965 might spend a rainy day inside playing video games), she had been hired by one of the savviest, burliest, most profitable publishing outfits on the planet, so she had to be good. I didn’t know where she came from or who or what she had edited before. All I knew was that she was young and an assistant to another editor. Should a beggar demand to see the chef? I was too grateful to be out of the rain while my old battalion, the 107th Dreamer Division, huddled in their soggy coats and pressed their noses longingly against the glass.
I was pretty old for my first book—according to our publishing schedule, I would almost be forty-four by the time it appeared—and I knew that B&S had signed me as a longshot prospect. Getting me under contract was like optioning movie rights, a cheap freeze on the competition in case I did something interesting (or profitable). My first book would have a limited print run, ten thousand, and it would be in paperback. No big promotional plans were in the works. I understood that this might be only a peep at the big time. I was like a character from the movie They Were Expendable, and the editor was studying my hazy frames with a pair of scissors in his right hand.

Cover of 501 Minutes to Christ
501 Minutes to Christ
Poe Ballantine 
Available September 2007
174 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-9-9

Kassten Alonso

27

From Core

Shadows run from huzzah and sickle. Shadows cower in the barn. Reapers tie sheaves in the shapes of rude maidens. Dogs crouch barking at the last stand of corn. Awry. Amiss. Awake.
He sat up in the tub gasping. Water and snot sputtered from his mouth. Briars thrust up under his ribs He coughed and coughed his Newborn throat tight as a pin. Muddy bathwater slapped the worn enamel. Spilled applause upon the floor. He fell back against the tub. He bared his teeth his breath sawed at the yellow bulb the cracked ceiling Jesus Christ.
With his toe he wedged the stopper from the drain. The drain gulped once. He rubbed stars in his eyes. He ran his hands through his hair. Someone had been in the tub with him. A body had curled its soft belly around him. Pondweeds Whispers brushed his ear. The girl. She had danced in the spent cornfield, had drawn him from the safety of the bonfire. She had pulled him deeper into the bath with her softness, her whispers, daffodil.
The breath whistled in and out him. He rolled himself over the lip of the tub. Water scattered Coins across the floor. On his knees and hands on the unraveled mat his fingers and wrists slick with mud. The shadows bound in sheaves. Shadows Raincharms cast to the spring. And who would cut the navel string?
He grabbed the tub and pushed himself to his feet. He turned toward the mirror. The face in there. The face watched him. Bloodless and bloated. Purple shadows ringed the eyes. Plaster in the hair drenched always. He bent over the sink he turned the hot water tap. Water spit brown from the spigot. The water cleared. He rubbed his palms under the stream.
You got to be there tonight man, Cam said. Fuck all the lame ass excuses about your work. Take the night off. Drink a few. Fucking enjoy yourself for once in your life would you?
Tendrils of mud spun down the drain. Water down the dark open mouth. How he had almost drowned again. Beneath ripple and rise, among whispers and softness, drowning.
I’ll be there, he said.

Polished brass and stained wood, rafters stuffed with leaves. Ceiling hung with crepe paper pumpkins, black cats, and witch hats. Owls and bats. The floor sodden and scuffed from years of boot heels. He shook the rain from his hair. A hand unfolded before him. He fumbled in his pocket. He lay some bills in the open palm. The hand disappeared. Back into the dark dim swirl down the drain.
Onstage Cam wrung his guitar and shouted obscene cantations. Cam in frilly laced shirt and black trousers, red kerchief tied around his head. Cam bobbed his head Cam tripped in place Cam stamped and stomped the polished stage. Cam’s face damp and blue in the spotlight. Cam’s eyes lamps of white.
The girl sat against the bar. He made his way toward her. Stepped over legs, pushed past chairs and tables set with jack o’lanterns, squeezed between vampires and ghouls, the air dizzy with sweat and smoke and the rot of beer, music.
Made it to another show huh? the girl shouted.
Yeah, this place is packed, he shouted back.
Haven’t missed much. She sat on two stools. She slid over.
Thanks, he shouted.
When you’re with the band you’re entitled to a few extras. The girl wore a leather jacket and kilt and black stockings. A floppy black velvet hat, the brim turned up. Gold hoops dangled from her ears. Hers was a face he could draw easy. What she must look like without her glasses.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who didn’t wear a costume, he said. You look nice.
And you’re all wet, she said and laughed. She raised her beer to her lips. Her scent drifted amid the smoke and damp. Daffodils. She had smuggled Spring into Autumn using her throat, the spots behind her ears.
Get you something? the bartender said behind them.
He turned. Bartender in Little John jerkin and soot blacked face. Skeleton hung over the bar. His eyes scanned the labels on the bottles on the wall. Could I have an apple brandy? he said.
The bartender nodded great bristly beard and turned away.
What’d you order? the girl laughed. Apple brandy? Hm. Interesting.
He laughed. Yeah, well. I like to drink it when it’s wet and cold out.
Bartender big beard pushed a snifter across the bar. Two-fifty said Bartender big beard. Big hand scooped up bills and turned away.
He raised the snifter to his mouth. Sweet tingle from his tongue up the back of his throat to the middle of his head. He licked his lips. His face slipped to and fro in the amber pool. What had his face looked like while he dreamt under the water? And after, red and furious for air?
Is it good? she said.
He shrugged and smiled. I don’t know, he said. This stuff’s a little mediciny, but it’s okay.
Another extra I get as band moll is I can taste anyone’s drink I want, the girl said. She took the snifter from his hand. Her fingernails were bitten rough. She raised the snifter to her mouth. She kissed the lip and sipped. Mm, she said. Stuff burns my nose.  Sweet though.
You should try what I have at home, he said. I make that stuff with apples from this orchard near my place.
The girl handed him the snifter. Cameron and me’ll have to come try some sometime, the girl said. He wanted to say Or you could just come yourself but she whistled loud as the music tumbled to a stop. The bar bedecked in shouts and applause. He raised the snifter to his lips. Brandy rolled across the roof of his mouth. The sweetness seeped beneath his tongue. And sheaves tied in the shapes of maidens. Sickles tossed at plaited stalks. The way she had swayed among the dead corn. The way the firelight had caressed her thighs.
You know, she said, Cameron must think pretty highly of you. I mean he wanted you to show tonight most of all. Besides me that is.
He smiled into the glass. Ah. Cam just worries I don’t get out much, he said. She laughed she slipped her arm through his. Her throat, scent. That spot where the artery danced, the stars drifted. He wanted to press his mouth to that spot. He wanted to taste the skin and prove she was made of daffodils.
Beyond the walls and windows rain. The music sawed and bumped. Cam shook and spun on stage. Cam sank to his knees and hung his head Cam sang how his love was dead, baritone cracked in despair and loss, to plead and demand and need and to want. The tearful mourner in the funeral dance. The loud lament of the disconsolate lover. But Cam had been alone with her. Cam knew she was made of flowers.
Would you look at those fucking sluts up there, the girl said. I mean even though everyone knows Cameron’s my boyfriend they’d all still go to bed with him. What a bunch of shit.
Girls crowded before the stage. One girl in devil’s horns waved a scrap of paper at Cam.
He swilled the brandy in his glass. He cleared his throat. He said, The guys really drew a crowd tonight, huh?
She rolled her eyes and shrugged. They’re not an audience, they’re extras, she said. Cameron’s only playing for one person.
You? he said.
Ha, she said. She raised her glass to her mouth. Don’t look now but the guy in the corner over there the one in the suede jacket and oh so cool shades.
He looked.
Record producer, she said.
Wow, he said. Is he going to produce Cam’s album?
Guy’d be an idiot not to I mean they had a piece on Cameron in Jukebox last week. There was one on the band the week before that but everyone knows Cameron’s the reason the whole thing’s catching on. It’s like without him Pluto’s Dog’d be out in the fucking garage playing high school proms and frat parties and shit but instead he’s got these capitalist pig types after him trying to catch the next wave. Her hand trembled as she sipped her beer. She said, Having all those sluts up there drooling over him is just part of the scene you know.
Oh yeah, he said, It’s nothing more than that. Don’t worry about it. Take it from somebody who’s known Cam a long time.
I’m not worried, the girl said. Love can just get kind of strange and irritating sometimes.
He drank the last of his brandy. He held up the empty snifter. He slid bills across the bar he pointed at her glass. Big Beard swept up bills, away. Cam strummed fever from his guitar. Cam sang from his place in the stars. Cam shimmied and Cam laughed. And the world.
So I see Michelangelo was hard at work, she said.
Her knee against his thigh. He shifted on his stool. What’s that?
She nodded at his hands. Plaster caught beneath his nails. Plaster ground into his knuckles. Jesus you got the shit all in your hair too, she said. You sleep in this stuff or what? She brushed her fingers at his hair. She combed the hair back off his head. He shivered how she touched him.
How did you get this scar? she said.
He smiled. Shrugged. Well. Uh. I guess I fell out of a tree just right.
She laughed and slipped her arm through his arm. Her smell caught in his throat. He a drunk herdsman stunned at the body askew on the threshing floor. Stunned by the fury of the flail dance. By the way she’d swayed under the black sky, belly and thighs brushed by whispering cornstalks. Her mouth open and filled with stars.
So have you ever worked with a model? the girl said.

Cover of Core
Core: A Romance
Kassten Alonso 
Available September 2005
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0971691576

Mother is cleaning the spoons again. From where
I sit in the kitchen, I can see the reflection of her trippy-looking
head: bulbous skull, stretched down mouth, eyes that scoop away
at the rest of her face. A droop-faced woman. Jeeeez. Just look at
her. She’s rubbing the holy crap out of those spoons. Poor, silvery
utensils.
That’s what it felt like to be her kid, too.
I can see the inside out of this city out our lame kitchen window.
Everything gray going to blue to black. Seattle streets
running for all they are worth. Puny pedestrians. Sheets of rain.
I can see the Space Needle. Possibly the dumbest thing ever.
Rain life makes the scene out the high-rise condo seem like you
are in a dream. I put my hand on the window and watch fog
surround my fingers. I take my hand away. There I am. A trace.
See-through girl. In a pink terry robe and two-day-old underwear.
I want a cigarette.
Mother. I sigh. She will rub the spoons until she wipes
herself clean.
I rub my eyes. My face feels smeared.
You know what? Seventeen is no place to be. You want to
get out, you want to shake off a self like old dead skin. You want
to take how things are and chuck it like a rock. You pierce your
face or you tattoo your skin – anything to feel something beyond
the numb of home. You invent clothes other people think are
garbage. You get high. You meddle with sexuality. You stuff your
ears with ear buds blasting music so loud it’s beyond hearing,
it’s just the throb and heat and slam and pound and scream of
bodies on the edge of adult. You text your head off. You guerilla
film. We live through sound and light – through our technologies.
With our parents’ zombie life dope arsenal at our fingertips.
I’m not a criminal.
I’m just a daughter. I’m not sick.
I.
Just.
Need.
Out.
I walk into the living room. This room always reminds me
of Mr. K. It even smells a little like him. When he first came
on to me, Mr. K., the friend of my father’s, he had a butterknife in
his hand. Who knows why a butterknife. He just did. Just me
and him in the living room. Just rain whispering like nuns against
the pressure of the walls and windows. He had this butterknife
in his hand, and he crossed the carpet to me. He trembled.
He put his hand on my hip, then he put his other hand near my
collarbone. I had a Pixies T-shirt on with safety pins decorating
the neckline. He leaned in and sort of suck nibbled my neck and
he whimpered. He smelled like Old Spice and Altoids.
It was so retro. Like something out of a Lon Chaney movie.
It should have been in black and white with dramatic and
creepy music in the background. I’d have YouTubed it. What the
fuck did he think he was doing? I pulled out my pocketknife.
I flipped open the blade. He took a step back, thinking it might
be for him, I guess. I held the little blade in the air between us.
I menaced him. It cracked me up. Then I drew the blade to my
own collarbone above the safety pins and Pixies to the very place
he had trembled and whimpered. I held his gaze in mine.
Without even looking, I made a little smile on my skin. I could
hear him swallow.
I was fourteen.
After that I lost my voice. I knew where my voice was. But
I wasn’t saying. Though it happened years ago, I can still disappear
my voice when I need to.
Somehow my father’s gotten it into his head I need a shrink.
It’s all so perfectly Oedipal. Subconsciously he knows I’m onto
him and Mrs. K. Who the fuck wouldn’t be? They’re about as discreet
as retards at Nordstrom’s. He knows Mr. K.’s got his tent
pitched for me, so I must be sick. Send the daughter to a shrink.
Wash your hands. Straighten your father tie.
My name is Ida. Or used to be.

Cover of Dora: A Headcase
Dora: A Headcase
Lidia Yuknavitch 
Introduction by Chuck Palahniuk
Available September 2012
240 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9834775-7-0

Lidia Yuknavitch

The Less Than Merry Pranksters

From The Chronology of Water

Kesey, who was at the far end of the room, walked his barrel of a body straight over, pulled out a chair for me, and said, “Well HELLO. What do we have here? A triple A tootsie.” It was the first time I’d seen him not in a photo or at some Oregon literary event. The closer he came, the more nauseous I felt. But when he got right up to me, I could see the former wrestler in his shoulders and chest. His face was moon pie round, his cheeks vividly veined and flushed, puffy with drink. His hair seemed like cotton glued in odd places on a head. His smile: epic. His eyes were transparent blue. Like mine.
While everyone was laughing about the tootsie remark he leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I know what happened to you. Death’s a motherfucker.”
In 1984, Kesey’s son Jed, a wrestler for the University of Oregon, was killed on the way to a wrestling tournament when the team’s bald-tired van crashed. My baby girl died the same year. Close to my ear, he smelled like vodka. Familiar.
He handed me a flask and we got along and bonded quickly the way strangers who’ve seen aliens can. That’s all it took. No one ever questioned me, least of all Kesey. It was brilliantly incomprehensible to me. I loved it.
I was 25.
At a reading at U of O during that year Kesey stood on a table and screaming into the microphone “Fuck You, god, Fuck You!” The crowd of about 500 burst into cheers. He believed in spectacle. In giving people the show.

My distinguishing characteristics felt like tits and ass and blond. Sexual things. All I had.


In the winter of the year of Kesey we all went to his coast house near Yachats together. A run down old place with wood paneling, a crappy stand up shower, a table with some chairs, and no heat. But the front windows looked out onto the ocean. And of course the rooms were filled with Kesey. We drank, we walked on the beach, we listened to Kesey stories. Look I’d tell you the stories but you already know them. And he’d say the same ones over and over again. We were, simply put, a pile of new ears. At the coast house we listened to stories about Tim Leary and Mason Williams and Jerry Garcia and Neal Cassady. At the coast house we got high, some of us fucked some others of us, we wrote in little notebooks. We slept on the floor in sleeping bags. We waited for something to happen.
It wasn’t until the following year, the year that was not the collaborative writing class, the year after the book we wrote that was not very good came out that made me feel like we’d utterly failed Kesey, the year after he’d ended up in the Mayo clinic for his affair with his lover, vodka, we met once at his coast house by ourselves.
That night he boiled water and cooked pasta and dumped a jar of Ragu on it and we ate it with bent old forks. We drank whiskey out of tin cups. He told life stories. That’s what he was best at. Me? I didn’t have any stories. Did I? When it got dark he lit some crappy looking ancient candles. We sat in two wooden chairs next to each other looking out at the moonlit water. I distinctly remember trying to sit in the chair older and like I had been part of history. Which amounted to extending my legs out and crossing one ankle over the other and crossing my arms over my chest. I looked like Abe Lincoln.
Then he said, “What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you in your life?”
I sat there like a lump trying to conjure up the best thing that had ever happened to me. We both already knew what the worst thing was. Nothing best had happened to me. Had it? I could only answer worst. I looked out at the ocean.
Finally I said, “Swimming.”
“Why swimming?” he said, turning to look at me.
“Because it’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at,” came out of my mouth.
“That’s not the only thing you are good at.” And he put his huge wrestler writer arm around me.
Fuck. This is it. Here it comes. His skin smelled . . . well it smelled like somebody’s father’s skin. Aftershave and sweat and whiskey and Ragu. He’s going to tell me I’m good at fucking. He’s going to tell me I’m a “tootsie”—the nickname he’d used on me the year of the class. And then I’m going to spread my legs for Ken Kesey, because that’s what blond clueless idiots do. I closed my eyes and waited for the hands of a man to do what they did to women like me.
But he didn’t say any of those things. He said, “I’ve seen a lot of writers come and go. You’ve got the stuff. It’s in your hands. What are you going to do next?”
I opened my eyes and looked at my hands. They looked extremely dumb. “Next?” I said.
“You know, in your life. What’s next?”
I didn’t have a plan. I had grief. I had rage. I had my sexuality. I liked books more than people. I liked to be drunk and high and fuck so I didn’t have to answer questions like this.
When I got home I cut all the hair off on the left side of my head, leaving two different women looking at me in the mirror. One with a long trail of blond half way down her back. The other, a woman with hair cropped close to her head and with the bone structure of a beautiful man in her face.
Who.
Am.
I.
I never saw Kesey again. His liver failed and he got Hepatitis C. In 1997 he had a stroke. Later he got cancer and died. But I’m of the opinion he drowned.
There are many ways to drown.

 

Cover of The Chronology of Water
The Chronology of Water: A Memoir
Lidia Yuknavitch 
Introduction by Chelsea Cain
Available March 2011
320 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9790188-3-1

James Bernard Frost

Chapter IV Where an Unusual Dinner with Annie Mercyx Takes Place

I made the man his triple espresso,
filled the next two orders, and basically
survived my shift. I wasn’t really sure what
to think about the conversation I’d had with Mercyx.
The night before, I’d thought I would throw
all issues of His Church That Sunday into the
Dumpster behind the burrito shop or burn them,
but now there were a few more copies to contend
with. I was still embarrassed about them, but
clearly Mercyx had thought they were worthwhile,
so now pride mixed in with the shame.

Then there was this dinner with Mercyx at Blowfish thing.
Like I said, Blowfish wasn’t a place Mercyx would go – she
had a sleeve full of tattoos on her left arm; short, cropped,
perpetually bleached hair; and muscled calves harder than
Schwarzenegger’s biceps. Mercyx was a burrito-and-run kind
of gal, and we assumed, Beale and I, that she was a lesbian,
although I have to admit that despite all our adolescent conversations,
we’d never ventured anywhere close to Mercyx’s
sex life.

It’s very strange, when I think back on it, that we hadn’t.
Beale’s comics were all about masturbation and frustrated
libido, and mine occasionally dabbled in that direction; so
you’d think somewhere in there we would have discussed
intimate matters, but it just never happened. Mercyx was
one of the guys – a fellow cyclist, pool shark, and zinester.
Don’t get me wrong, Mercyx wasn’t unattractive. If anything
she was hyperattractive – in a small tits, low hips, Suicide
Girls kind of way – but we kind of considered her an
untouchable. It was like if we’d shown any interest in her, we
couldn’t have been her friend. We saw the way she fucked
with other men in her brash, slick-tongued way, and decided
we’d rather be in collusion than on a collision.

Mercyx was tough, and we were soft zine boys. At first, we
felt privileged just to be in her presence, and then later, since
we’d been hanging out with her for almost a year, we forgot
her presence as a sexual being all together. She was genderneutral
Mercyx, the Photocopy Queen and our compadre.
So yeah. I’d finally decided that the whole thing was no
big deal, that it was just the raw meat, that she’d chosen Blowfish
simply because she had a primal urge to sink her teeth
into something fleshy and uncooked. There were better, cheaper
sushi joints in town, but it was near my apartment and she
knew she’d have to cart the zine stash there afterwards.
I walked down the stairs of my apartment, took in the
cooling breeze of an unseasonably warm spring evening, and
sauntered down Alberta Street, not thinking anything at all
about my unwashed, after-cycling T-shirt, my threadbare
black jeans, my half-tied Chuck Taylors. I walked down the
street and arrived at Blowfish. And there I saw Annie Mercyx,
and Annie Mercyx was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
I am surprised, when I think back on it, that I got words
out of my mouth at all. Mercyx was wearing a strapless dress,
a kitschy cotton number with ferris wheels on it in pink and
yellow pastels. She had on a heavy coat of soft pink lipstick
to match, and an ochre-colored eye shadow that extended
cat-like to her temples. The contrast between the hard tattoos
and the soft colors of her dress was a visual fiasco, making
her appear comic and freaky and completely stunning all at
once. I suppose the average person would have seen her and
just thought she was strange; but for me it was all my fantasies
come to life, a beautiful alien from a sci-fi movie.
The words that came out of my mouth – oh, the lovely, stupid
words – were, “Annie, do you have a date tonight?”

Now the reality of it is that when I asked Mercyx if she had
a date that night, I was being completely sincere. I really
thought that she was setting up some office drone to do copies
for her. It didn’t occur to me that this was the date, that
Annie had put on a dress and made herself up for me. Annie,
however, took it as flirting, as if I was up to clever tricks. I had
absolutely no idea what I was doing; and yet I was doing all
the right things.

Mercyx actually blushed when I asked. I, the embarrassment
king; I, Bartholomew Flynn; I was making Annie Mercyx
blush. Now it was Annie Mercyx who wanted to just ride
right by the store window.

Mercyx responded sarcastically, “Meeting Beale after
dinner.”

I totally didn’t get it. I wasn’t gullible enough to think that
Mercyx was serious about having a date with Beale – I mean,
Beale was the most awkward man on the planet – but I still
wasn’t making the connect between the makeup and me. “No,
seriously, Annie, who are you meeting?”

Mercyx wanted this whole thing to go away. “Why do you
call me Annie? Everyone else calls me Mercyx.”

I still didn’t get it, but I decided to drop the subject of the
clothes and answer the question. Mercyx was usually so deadpan,
it was strange to see her the way she was, verging on being
pissed off. “I don’t know, if it bothers you, I’ll call you Mercyx.
It’s just old-fashioned or something. Maybe it’s the Little
Orphan Annie thing, you know? She had short, orange, funky
hair, and your hair, while it’s more bleached than orange, is
still funky. But then again, she’s so much more wholesome.
Maybe it’s more the contrast between you and Little Orphan
Annie: like it’s kind of ironic to call you Annie; because you’re
not an Annie at all, you’re much more of a … of a Mercyx …”
Mercyx was looking at me steely-eyed. Between that and
the yellow streaks on her eyelids, I couldn’t continue my
usual ramble. “What?” I asked.
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Just go off like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like arcane bullshit about Orphan Annie.”
I did this all the time. That’s what we did, Beale and Mercyx
and I, we had long, inane conversations about nothing.
And there wasn’t conflict. What was going on with Mercyx
all of a sudden? “I don’t know,” I said, “because it’s funny? I
mean, we all do it.”
Mercyx was really making me uncomfortable. I knew she
was formidable – I’d seen her in action at The Curiosity absolutely
tearing into the well-dressed yuppie types always
trying to get into her pants – but I’d never been the target of
her ire.
“But it’s bullshit,” she said, “and you know it’s bullshit. All
those issues of OTT. That was the whole point of those issues,
to make fun of yourself for all the rambling you do. And then
this new church thing, that was the flipside: you showing how
much power you could have if you were only sincere. It was
brilliant. The OTT stuff was funny, mostly because you took
every conversation Beale and you and I ever had and ripped
it a new asshole, but That Sunday – I mean, dude, you’re so
right – what if we were all really sincere like that preacher guy.
If we were to just tell it like it is. We all know how it is, but we
never actually tell it like it is.
“You have to tell me a couple of things, and you have to be
serious. First off, you have to tell me how you came up with
this guy and what you were thinking, and don’t go off on some
tangent to avoid the question. And then you have to tell me
why you really call me Annie, and I don’t want to hear any more
of that Little Orphan shit.”
I’d never seen Mercyx with such metal in her eyes. They
were the gray-blue of a circular saw blade. It suddenly seemed
unreal to tell her the truth: that Booker was really a guy who
had stood up in his makeshift church that Sunday and talked
to me. When it happened, it had been odd but not unreal – if
anything, it had been ultra-real, like when you’re on your
bike and the semi next to you starts to come into your lane,
Zoom of the pattern on Mercyx’s kitschy ferris wheel dress.
james bernard frost 40 A Very Minor Prophet
and you know it’s going to turn right, and that you’re about
to be a victim of the dreaded right hook, and that the dual
human-sized wheels next to you will crush you, but somehow
you slam on your brakes enough to swerve behind him and
survive, and then you look around and the world is normal
and traffic moves on.
But now it seemed unreal, like I’d made the whole thing
up. What was even more unreal was that I hadn’t even thought
of Booker, the person, since I left his church; in fact, I couldn’t
even tell you if I’d said anything to him. It was truly as if I’d
made him up. But I couldn’t have. I’d been at his church, and
I could walk over, if I wanted to, the very next Sunday, and I
could show Mercyx and Beale the place that inspired His
Church That Sunday.
It was hard to do, but she was staring at me, and although
it wasn’t in my nature – as usually when I talk to people my
eyes are all over the place, and never actually in the eyes of
the person I’m talking to – I looked her back in the eyes, and
what I said was, “Okay, there really is a preacher dude, and
he really does do a sermon like the one I wrote about in That
Sunday. As for calling you Annie …”
It’s funny how realizations hit you mid-sentence, like it
did on that day at Blowfish. We’d made our way into the restaurant
and used those little golf pencils to fill out our paper
sushi menus, and now I was sitting with Annie Mercyx on the
back patio, the late evening blue of the sky tinged a deeper
shade of blue; not pink like late evening skies are often described
– the air too clean and smog-free for that – but midnight
blue: a darker, softer, more romantic blue. There was an umbrella
over us, and nigiri in front of us, and cute little bowls
to mix our soy sauce and wasabi. Annie was beautiful and she
was Annie and not Mercyx. It wasn’t the truth what I said,
because the truth was probably much closer to what I’d already
said before about it sounding ironic: before this evening,
Annie Mercyx was always more Mercyx than Annie. But
somehow what came out of my mouth was more sincere than
the truth – and more importantly it was the right thing to say –
because the realization I had mid-sentence was that the reason
Annie had dressed up, and put on makeup, and confronted
me about my ironic bullshit, was that she liked me in a
much different way than as a fellow cyclist and zinester; and
perhaps even more importantly it was the right thing to say
because I liked her – and if I told her that I hadn’t really thought
about it, that my calling her Annie instead of Mercyx was nothing
more than a quirk; then, although I would be technically
telling the truth, I would be implying a lie, which would be
to say that I didn’t desire to be something other than her
fellow cyclist and zinester.
So the way I finished the sentence was this way, “I guess
I just wanted to be different. I wanted … I wanted you and
me to be different.”
I know, it’s such a cheesy moment – it makes me cringe
to write it out – it was so disgustingly sincere, but it’s really
what I said, and you can’t change what you say once you’ve
said it.
Mercyx reached a hand across the table, in order to grab
mine, and then she said:
1.
3.
2.
Mercyx and I consumed our remaining nigiri in an uncomfortable
silence, and then agreed to meet the next Sunday at my
apartment for a visit to Booker’s church. You would have
thought that my statement of affection and Mercyx’s reaching
across the table for my hand would have led to more intimate
conversation, a kiss or two, and if this were an R movie or a
porn shoot, the consummation of everyone’s desires; but all
it did was make us feel really, really weird.
By the time Mercyx mercifully let go of my hand, the union
had become clammier than anything we’d eaten that night.
I felt stupid. I wanted to be witty and charming but couldn’t
think of anything to say. I wanted to at least

Cover of A Very Minor Prophet
A Very Minor Prophet
James Bernard Frost 
Available March 2012
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9833049-8-2

Scott Nadelson

Saving Stanley

As soon as he finished dinner, while Hannah was still
drinking her tea, Daniel excused himself under his breath and left the
table. Five minutes later he came back wearing fresh jeans and a new tshirt
– this one black, with a frenzied, sweaty guitar player across the
chest. His hair wasn’t combed, but it seemed that he’d run his fingers
through the front to make it hang evenly over his face. “Alex is picking
me up,” he said before she could ask.
She tried to sound casual. “You guys have some big plans?”
“Not really.”
“Going somewhere fun?”
He scratched his chin and from the counter picked up one of Arthur’s
massive science journals. Shuffling noisily through the pages, he said,
“Alex’s house.”
“You’re making him drive all the way out here to get you? Can’t you
just drive there?”
“We’ve – He wants to rent a movie first.”
Then came a honk from the driveway, and he hustled past her into
the laundry room. He stomped his shoes onto his feet, and she knew he
wouldn’t bother to bend and tie the laces. “Home by one,” she called.
“Night, Mom.” The back door slammed shut.
By now her head had cleared. What had come over her this afternoon?
She wondered whether the pressure of Arthur’s leaving and the hope
she’d felt all morning had brought on a touch of fever. Now Stanley was
back under the bed, immobile, and of course she would still take care of
him, would do whatever she had to for as long as it might take. She was
ready, too, to deal with the house and glad to have it to herself for the
evening – though she did think of poor Arthur, alone in his hotel room,
either too hot or too cold, tossing on a lumpy bed, gassy from fried food,
unable to read.
The house was Hannah’s ; it wouldn’t get the best of her. She dressed
in an old pair of jeans and one of Arthur’s flannel shirts and pinned up
her hair. From the laundry room closet she took a pile of rags, bottles of
carpet cleaner and wood polish, a dust pan and hand-held vacuum. She
started with the popcorn kernels in the family room. They were everywhere:
under the couch, in the fringes of the space rug, on the coffee table.
Some were wedged inconceivably between the TV and VCR. Next she
went for the dining room, the orange stain on the rug she and Arthur had
bought at an auction, for what they at first thought was a bargain and later
discovered to be a crime. She sprayed blue liquid from a can, allowed it to
foam, scrubbed, and sprayed again. Up close the spot seemed to fade, but
each time she stepped away it reemerged, just as sharply as before. This
agitated her more than she could have imagined, and she found herself
growing furious at Arthur, whose chair was nearest the stain. He’d watched
pasta sauce or pot roast gravy drip from his plate onto the rug and said
nothing, ignored it, hoping Hannah wouldn’t notice until it was too late
to blame him. This was something Daniel might have done ; so maybe the
boy did pick up his bad traits from his father.
Just then the doorbell rang. Daniel, she guessed, forgotten something
and also forgotten his keys to get back in. She ran for the back door, almost
ready to accuse him of staining the dining room rug. But just as she grabbed
the knob, the bell rang again, three times in quick succession, from the front
of the house, not the back. No one but electricians, plumbers, and salesmen
ever came to the front door. And on a Friday night? She was out of
breath by the time she opened it. Three boys, Daniel’s age or slightly older,
stepped back at the sight of her. The one in front had hair to his shoulders,
in perfect ringlets, the way, she guessed, Daniel wished his would grow.
He smiled brightly and said, “Is this thirteen-thirty-six Crescent View?”
Behind him stood a boy a full head taller than Hannah, with a squaredoff
buzz cut and a football jacket from a high school whose colors she
didn’t recognize. His arms were crossed, his head turned toward the street.
The third boy was squat with a comically pointed face. His lips seemed
to fit uncomfortably over his teeth, which, she gathered, were horribly
crooked. She imagined the other two always calling him by a nickname,
“Rat” or “Weasel,” until they’d forgotten his real name. He stood slightly
hunched, his finger still hovering above the doorbell. “This is thirteenthirty-
six,” Hannah said.
Still smiling, the boy in front said, “I guess we’re looking for threethirty-
six.”
“This isn’t three-thirty-six.”
The doorbell rang again, and the mousy boy looked around guiltily.
The long-haired boy backhanded him in the shoulder with-out taking
his eyes from Hannah. The tall boy seemed to hug him-self tightly. “Right,”
the long-haired boy said. “Sorry to bother you. You wouldn’t happen to
know where three-thirty-six is, would you?”
She pointed left, and again the doorbell rang, three, four, five chimes.
This time she saw it: the mousy boy lurching forward into the bell, his
whole body following his finger, eyes wide, horrified, it seemed, by a pleasure
he couldn’t control. The other two grabbed him by the collar, and
then all three were running, straight down the lawn to an enormous black
car parked on the curb, the type popular fifteen years ago and now driven
only in movies by drug dealers and pimps. In her puzzlement, Hannah
forgot to shout for them to use the walkway until they hit the street. The
car squealed off in the opposite direction from the way she’d pointed.
She closed the door, shook her head, and returned slowly to the stain
on the dining room rug. The afternoon’s confusion came back to her.
The boys seemed part of the dream she was in, already half forgotten or
pushed away. In less than five minutes, the bell rang again. This time she
felt an illogical fear – not that the boys had come back to do her any harm,
but that the smallest one, fascinated with her doorbell, would camp on
the stoop, ringing and ringing, day and night. She flung open the door
and said sharply, “Three-thirty-six is down the hill.” But instead of three
boys, there was a girl in front of her, pretty, with straight brown hair to
her shoulders, a soft pink sweater over black slacks, very little make-up,
rare among the girls in Hannah’s school. She’d never met any of the girls
Daniel was friends with ; she’d always been afraid to. She’d suspected they
would be the type crunchy with hairspray and caked with eyeliner, cigarettes
clenched between press-on nails three-quarters of an inch long. This
girl was a surprise and a pleasant one. “It’s okay if we park in the driveway,
yeah?” the girl said in a lazy, cheerful voice.
“Daniel’s not here,” Hannah said, but the girl was already past her, into
the house, halfway down the hall.
“Who?”
“Daniel. My son. He lives here.”
Something wasn’t right about the girl. Her gait was halting, and as she
reached the kitchen she seemed to stagger. Hannah’s first thought was
that she’d been in an accident – maybe those boys had run her down with
their car, and now she was in shock. But then, from the open door came
a deep voice, “Carrie. What the hell are you doing?” From the stoop a handsome
boy was beckoning. He looked older than the others, far older than
Daniel, with a sharp jaw and a shadow on his upper lip. His face was familiar;
he might have graduated from Hannah’s school, two, maybe three
years ago. “Jesus, Carrie. Come on.”
The girl looked at Hannah gravely and said, “I guess we’ll have to go
to Deer Run.” She pulled a pack of gum from her back pocket and held
out a piece. It wavered in front of Hannah’s eyes. Part of her felt she should
take it, wrapped as it was in silver, an unexpected gift. But she kept her
hands at her sides. After a moment the girl unwrapped it and folded it
with difficulty between her teeth. The paper slipped from her fingers and
fluttered to the floor. Only now did Hannah realize how drunk the girl
was, her eyes glazed, jaw working carelessly. She snapped out of her trance,
grabbed the girl by the elbow, and pushed her toward the door. She tried
to speak forcefully, but her voice came out as a thin whisper: “Get out of
my house.”
Still smiling brightly, the girl reached out and gave Hannah’s arm a
quick squeeze. “See you later,” she said, and weaved to the boy, who grab44
bed her around the waist and hustled her down the steps. They made
their way to a fiery red sports car, where another boy had an aluminum
barrel halfway out of the trunk. He let it roll back in and darted to the
driver’s door. The girl went headfirst into the back seat. The car screeched
out of the driveway, swerved for no reason, stopped in the middle of the
street, and made an awkward five-point turn. Another car approached,
this one blaring a music that rattled the dining room windows and shook
the stoop where Hannah stood from fifty yards away. A light came on
above a neighbor’s front porch. The two cars pulled parallel, and the girl
leaned out of the red one, shouted something to the driver of the other.
Then her pink sweater disappeared behind tinted glass. The red car’s tires
spun. Something flew out the back window of the new car, and from the
sidewalk came the sound of shattered glass. Then both cars were gone.
Only a cloud of exhaust hung over the street.
It took her until now to put everything together. This bothered her
more than anything. Weeks ago she should have realized Daniel had
planned a party. She could only blame her distraction and weariness from
a month of worrying about Stanley.
A party. In her house. This was the reason he’d so desperately wanted
her to go away – because he’d invited half the kids in north Jersey to drink
beer in her living room, to throw up in her flower pots, to roll naked in
her bed. The rage that overtook her now made her fingers tremble so
violently she could only stop them by gripping handfuls of her jeans. Some
evil fluid rose from her stomach to her throat and burned there. The bell
rang ten, twelve more times, and she sent kids running with curses and
threats and an uncontrollable waving of her fists. Finally she taped a note
to the front door, promising to send the police after anyone who so much
as looked at her doorbell.
She waited for Daniel in his bedroom, in the dark. A streetlamp cast
enough light through the half-drawn blinds for her to make out posters
on the walls, of rock stars, baseball players, a blonde mod-el in a skimpy
bikini. Most of the carpet was covered by clothes and the CDs he worked
so many extra weekend hours to buy. Cracks in their cases caught the
light and glinted, not one of them unscarred. She sat on the edge of the
mattress, hands in her lap, conserving her energy. But she couldn’t calm
herself enough even to come up with punishments or lectures – all that
would have to wait. As much trouble as she’d had with Jared, he’d never
done anything so blatantly deceitful as this. She’d been stricter with Jared.
She hadn’t let him have his own car ; he’d had to ask to borrow hers on
weekends. Before he could watch TV, she’d always made him show her his
home-work. Had it been such a mistake? For years he’d despised her, and
she’d feared he always would. But now he respected her, and they got along
better than ever. She’d been strict with Alyssa Silver, too, and look what
had happened with her: she’d scored a b– on an admittedly savage makeup
exam. She’d even sung beautifully for Hannah in front of the entire
class. The truth made her dizzy: she’d let Daniel run wild, and now he
would have let Stanley die in order to have strangers tear apart her house.
Not only would she have come home from Mexico to find the cat dead
and buried, but her vases smashed, her antique bowls filled with cigarette
butts, all her sheets soiled.
He never missed a curfew and didn’t tonight – this was the one thing
going for him. At ten minutes to one, a car accelerated up the driveway. A
door slammed, then another. There were boys’ voices, a loud cackle, not
Daniel’s. She went to the window and listened for the creak of the back
door, but instead came a heavy rustling in the bushes along the walkway.
Again, a light came on in the neighbor’s house, this time in an upstairs
window, and a face pressed against the glass. She was too far away to see
if it was the husband’s or wife’s ; she knew neither by name. A car appeared
at the end of the driveway, the same black, bulky, 1970s model the three
boys had driven off in earlier. Were they friends of Daniel’s? She’d had the
feeling they’d never set eyes on him before. Finally, the back door opened.
Daniel’s shoes clunked against the floor as he kicked them off, and then
nothing. He stayed in the laundry room five minutes, nearly ten, no movement,
not a sound. He knew how much trouble he was in, she guessed.
Knew and was genuinely aching with guilt, the way he always was when
expecting a phone call from the vice-principal. By now she was devising
punishments – no car for the summer, no concerts or baseball games, no
weekends at the shore, no overnight fishing trip on the Delaware river –
and already the force of her anger was leaving her. He wasn’t a bad kid,
this she knew. On a whim, she imagined, he’d told a few people the house
would be empty. Told one friend, maybe two. From there it had spread
in a matter of days, until it was beyond his control. He’d spent the whole
week on the phone trying to call it off. Not bad, just stupid, so stupid. She
wanted to blame his difficult birth, the four transfusions. Maybe he’d
suffered brain damage after all. Maybe the new blood pumped into his
veins had been donated by a moron.
Now the laundry room door banged open and heavy footsteps crossed
the kitchen and clomped up the stairs, not careful or discreet as she’d
expected. This didn’t sound at all like guilt. Did he think he’d gotten away
with what he’d done? She was furious all over again. She pictured him in
her garden, a faint smile on his lips as he threw aside a shovel and dropped
Stanley’s dead body into a shallow hole. He’d feel enough guilt when she
was through with him, that was for certain. He’d be awake until dawn
imagining all the punishments she would save for the morning. His footsteps
now were strange, two quick ones, a pause, then a forceful stomp.
She kept back from the doorway, and he didn’t seem to see her. His head
blocked the hallway lamp, so she was left with only his silhouette: a crown
of writhing hair, the pouchy cheeks he’d inherited from Arthur, the large
ears from her own father, arms crossed over a surprisingly narrow chest.
She took a step forward, but still he didn’t notice her. Nor did he come
into his own room, where she’d hoped to confront him, waving her arms
at his stereo, his computer, all the things she could take away from him.
He went straight into Jared’s room without hesitating, without even switching
on the light. Then came a loud crash as he stumbled – as she knew he
would – over the StairMaster. By the time she followed him into the room
and flicked the light switch, he was already on his belly, halfway under
the bed. His skinny legs splayed in a way that should have been painful.
His socks had holes in their heels and flopped an inch longer than his
toes. “What’s wrong with you?” he said so loudly he couldn’t possibly
have cared whether or not he woke his mother, whether or not she knew
about the party. This time it didn’t take long for her to know he was drunk,
at least as drunk as the pretty girl who’d walked so casually into her house
and offered a piece of gum. “Don’t you want to eat?” Daniel said. “Aren’t
you hungry?”
That he was drunk should have steeled her anger and made it all the
worse for him. But despite herself, she was overcome with a wave of pity.
Was it so terrible that he’d wanted to throw a party? It would have turned
out badly, without question – she’d been teaching high school long enough
to know that. She’d heard plenty of stories about parents coming home
to find broken windows and furniture, about alcohol-poisoned kids carted
off to hospitals, about families sued for things they hadn’t known about
and never would have condoned. But the wanting itself? Wanting friends
to come see him, wanting girls in his house. He looked so much younger
than all the other kids she’d seen tonight, a little boy in comparison. He
had to do something to get noticed. And she’d ruined it for him.
“What’s a matter with you,” he said, and now his voice was quieter,
exhausted. “Why you gotta fuck everything up? You always fuck everything
up.” Then his body heaved forward and let out a wet, guttural groan –
with it came what sounded like water spilled slowly from a glass. He
heaved again while she was pulling him from beneath the bed, and then
once more as she held his head against her shoulder. Brown liquid thickened
with hunks of bread and undigested sesame seeds ran down the front
of her shirt and into the loose pockets of her jeans. But what she saw now
made this easy to ignore. It shocked her, but at the same time seemed so
inevitable that shock immediately gave way to the deepest sense of loss.
Someone had scrawled over Daniel’s entire face with a thick-tipped black
marker. On each cheek was a phallus, graphic and grotesque in the way
only teenagers knew how to draw – shaded for dimension, hair in the appropriate
places, squirting cartoon drops onto Daniel’s nose. His chin had
been cleft to look like buttocks. A rounded, girlish script on his forehead
stated bluntly, “Dickface.”
“It’s all right, Mom,” he said. “Don’t cry. Stanley’s gonna make it. I only
drank three beers. Only three. I love that cat. He’s not going to die.” He
touched her cheek with a finger that came away wet. Was this crying? Her
face was soaked with tears, but no sobs accompanied them, no sniffles or
blinking or soreness around her eyes. Water was simply emptying out of
her. The kids who’d done this to her son were the same he’d invited to
drink beer in her house. Not one of them was his friend. When had things
gone so wrong? At his bar mitzvah he’d seemed accepted, if not popular.
So many kids had shown up to dance, to congratulate him, to give him
presents. Hadn’t he been happy then, even if he didn’t join in the dancing?
After he’d thanked her for the party, she’d gone back to chatting with
relatives, friends, and colleagues. The next time she thought to look for him,
almost all the guests were gone. He was collecting Mets hats, t-shirts, mugs,
pennants other kids had left behind. His suit jacket was gone, his shirt
untucked, his tie loosened and tossed over a shoulder. He was still smiling.
She didn’t know if he’d talked to a single person the whole afternoon.
So this was the truth of it: she’d had no idea whether or not he’d been
happy. She hadn’t known if the kids at his party had been his friends.
Seventeen years ago, she’d saved him in the hospital – since then she’d
left him to survive all on his own.
For the first time she saw the loneliness at the bottom of him, in everything
he did. Loneliness in both his sweetness and his belligerence, loneliness
all through his day at school and work, all through dinner as he
listened to his parents complain about their jobs. How could she have
imagined Alyssa Silver singing to him, when she’d just as soon draw a
penis on his face? She’d observed plenty of kids like him at her own school,
sitting in the back of class, lurking at the edges of the cafeteria, but not
once had she placed her own son among them.
Now she led him to the bathroom, his arm heavy around her shoulders,
his legs doing little to keep him from tumbling to the ground. She
wiped the vomit from his mouth and neck as he kept muttering, “Only
three. Okay. Maybe four. That’s all. Because I felt bad. About Stanley.”
The ink on his face she scrubbed with soap and a rough sponge, but
the marks barely faded. There was no need for any punishment tomorrow.
Daniel would see his face in the mirror and wouldn’t want to leave
the house for his entire spring break. He wouldn’t want to come down
from his room. She’d let him stay there. She’d bring him his meals, even
carry the TV upstairs. Tomorrow he could have whatever he wanted. But
even the notion of tomorrow now seemed murky. She had trouble seeing
anything beyond this moment: Daniel’s skin – where it wasn’t marked –
sickly pale, his eyes swimming and red, head in her lap ; Stanley perpetually
dying under the bed ; Arthur away in some far-off, unimaginable place. It
would all stay this way. This was the moment she would live in for the rest
of her life. The stains on Daniel’s face, the vomit on her shirt, the mildew
just beginning to grow in the corners of the tub, none of it would fade, not
ever.
But then Daniel stirred. “Get off me,” he mumbled. She swept his hair
out of his eyes, and he said it again, slightly louder. Soon he was shouting,
“Get off me! Get the fuck off!” She held a cup of water to his lips, but he
slapped it away, the cup skittering across the tiles, water beading around
the toilet. He lurched to his feet and stumbled out of the bathroom, still
yelling, “Don’t touch me!” His shoulder knocked hard against the doorframe
outside his bedroom, and he stopped for a moment, staring down
the stained wood as if he might strike it. Then he pressed both palms to
his temples and grimaced. “Who hit me on the head?” he moaned. “God,
my head. I think I’m dying.” He took two steps into his room and pitched
headlong onto his bed.
She knew she should go to him, force him to swallow some aspirin and
water, take off his shoes, tuck him under his sheets. But instead she closed
his door and left him to the misery that would only grow worse between
now and tomorrow. She stripped out of the filthy shirt and pants and carried
a roll of paper towels to Jared’s room. The soggy plastic and newspaper she
tore off and balled up, and then crawled under the bed to clean the rest.
Stanley lay curled in the same ragged ball, eyes closed, his nose only an
inch from the putrid puddle. If only he would sniff at it, she thought. If only
his tongue would jab at a chunk of barely chewed bread – then he could
decide between the pleasures of this world and the promise of the next.
She reached out a finger, stroked his chin, and silently pleaded her case.
Even now she believed all this might still have something to do with her.

Cover of Saving Stanley
Saving Stanley
Scott Nadelson 
Available June 2004
212 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-2-5

Scott Nadelson

I'M YOUR MAN

From The Next Scott Nadelson

My fiancée left me for a drag king named Donny Manicotti.

That sounds like the start of a joke, but it’s not. It’s my life.
I do find it funny now – from a distance of some years
and happily married – and even at the time I recognized how
ridiculous the situation was, though mostly I was bewildered and
devastated. I’d always prided myself on being someone who
appreciated the absurdity of life, who didn’t take it too seriously,
but there’s an enormous difference, I discovered, between reading
a Kafka novel or watching a Woody Allen movie and living
inside of one.

Because our wedding was only a month away, because
invitations had gone out and friends and family had bought plane
tickets to Portland, because we’d written vows and picked out
table settings and made mixed CDs for dancing, I believed our
lives were on a track with a clear trajectory, and if I harbored
any doubts about my fiancée or our relationship – she struggled
with depression, she had a temper, she didn’t like my friends –
I buried them under pride in my role as groom and husband-tobe.
I hadn’t realized how important this threshold would feel
to me, how badly I wanted to cross it. It would finally make me an
adult, though I was already thirty years old.

My fiancée had recently left her job as marketing director
of the literary organization and took a new one as features editor
at the local gay paper. In her twenties, when she lived in New York,??
she’d identified as lesbian and dated only women. Since then
she’d come to recognize herself as bisexual and even decided that
she preferred being with men. And in the years before we’d
met she’d been with a number of them, manly men at that: not
only the flight instructor, but also a fisherman and a computer
tech who liked fast cars. Too manly, she often said when we first
started dating, describing the fights they’d had, the ways in
which she’d chafed against their aggression, their attempts at
dominance. I was the perfect balance, she told me during our
first year together, a straight, sensitive guy who was boyish and
bookish but liked the outdoors. She called me an honorary lesbian.
Still, she felt she was missing something from her New
York days, a sense of identity that had come with being part of
an outsider community. She liked being seen as a radical, a
nonconformist, and getting married to a straight guy made her
fear losing some essential part of herself. So when the job at the
paper came open, she jumped at the opportunity, and I encouraged
her, saying that I wanted her to have all sides of herself,
that marrying me shouldn’t come with unnecessary compromises.
I encouraged her to hang out with her co-workers, who frequented
a new, hip lesbian club – Tart, I think it was called – that
had recently opened across the river. Have fun, I said, relishing
the time alone, hours that I didn’t have to worry about her
depression or think about wedding details.

I first heard about Donny Manicotti a month or two before
he turned my life upside down. He was a rising star in Portland,
darling of the young lesbian scene, and my fiancée had done
a story about his dance troupe, which performed weekly at Tart.
He was the alter-ego of a young woman whose real name was
Annemarie. She was Filipina, but on stage she dressed as a sleazy
Italian tough in a sleeveless undershirt, pencil mustache, and
fedora, a parody of the men I’d grown up around in New Jersey,
whose children drove IROCs and Monte Carlos and slammed
me into lockers during high school for no reason other than that
they were bigger than me and that I couldn’t fight back. In the
pictures that accompanied my fiancée’s story, I could see that
Annemarie was sleek and sexy, with muscled shoulders and a cut
jawline, bare stomach ripped over slim hips. I hadn’t known
there were such things as drag king troupes, and didn’t really
understand the appeal of cross-dressing, or of watching crossdressers,
but the idea of a roomful of young women whistling and
writhing and getting drunk as a girl named Annemarie danced
for them immediately turned me on.

My fiancée admitted that she had a crush on Donny – or
really, on Annemarie. “Who wouldn’t?” I said, and we both
laughed it off as something innocent and expected, well within
the boundaries of our bond. We couldn’t live a whole life
together and not have occasional attractions to other people,
could we? When she headed off to Tart for the evening, I’d ask if
Donny would be there. “Feel free to give him a kiss,” I said.
“Just don’t fall in love.”

But she did exactly that. When she came home in the middle
of the night and told me, her lips swollen, hair mussed, eyes
flashing a crazy kind of light, my first instinct was to say, “But I
told you not to.” I was too stunned to come up with much else as
she cried and apologized and said that she hadn’t meant to,
but that it just happened, and she couldn’t help it now, and really
I never should have encouraged her to go out dancing. For a
day or so we talked about going to counseling. We even debated
whether we could still get married and have an open relationship,
and for the briefest moment the idea excited me, as I pictured
myself sleeping with new women every week. An image flashed
through my mind: my pale fiancée – now my wife – and the dark
Annemarie tangled together in the sheets, and me, erection
looming, climbing in. But the image didn’t last long, because of
course I knew Annemarie wouldn’t want me coming anywhere
near her with that erection, and really an open relationship
would have meant me in bed alone, while my wife fucked a guy
named Donny in the room next door.

By the time we came to the conclusion that we’d have to
call off the wedding, that I’d have to move out of the condo my
fiancée owned, she was insisting that our break-up wasn’t just a
consequence of her meeting someone new. She’d been dissatisfied
for a long time, though maybe she hadn’t been fully conscious
of it until now. Her needs weren’t being met, emotionally,
sexually. I wasn’t a full partner to her, I was too solitary and introverted,
I never wanted to go shopping for curtains or think
about painting the living room. I gave so much time and attention
to my writing that I might as well have been having an affair.
Plus, marriage was just too conventional for her, and now she
found even the idea of being in a long-term heterosexual
relationship smothering. And also, she said, pacing the living
room I didn’t want to think about painting, she thought she
was really more attracted to women after all. The reasons kept
coming, so many that I could only nod numbly and mutter,
“I guess it’s better to figure all this out now instead of in a year.”
For three weeks I slept on a hide-a-bed in the guest room,
first looking for an apartment and then waiting for it to be
vacated, cleaned, and painted, while my ex-fiancée came and
went, often spending nights away. I can no longer quite recall
what the pain felt like – there are some benefits to memory’s
limitations – but I do remember that it had a physical component;
I imagined that I’d suffered internal bruising, that something
had ruptured inside of me, a less-than-vital organ but one that
bled a lot. But I also remember wanting it to be more physical,
wishing for my appendix to actually burst or a tumor to spring
up on my spine, anything that would allow me to locate the pain
in one place and isolate it, rather than shadow-box with the
amorphous anguish that encompassed me like a cloud of poison
gas, that was nowhere and everywhere. For the first time I
understood those stories of spurned lovers chopping off a finger
in order to ease their suffering, though all I could manage was
to nick myself shaving.

At least there’s no other penis inside her, I remember
thinking often during those three weeks, really believing this
saved me, that if I’d been left for another man I would have been
completely done in, that I couldn’t have survived. Leaving me
for a woman somehow didn’t translate into betrayal, not then;
rather, it struck me as an unexpected but necessary realignment
of the world, one I didn’t want but couldn’t resist or even resent.

If my ex-fiancée preferred women, what could I do? I chose to
hang onto this reason for our break-up out of all those she’d
provided, though when I pictured her and Annemarie together,
as I did far too often, I didn’t see a slim-hipped, sexy Filipina
but a sleazy Italian wanna-be mobster, with a pencil mustache
and slicked-back hair, a kid I’d hated in high school, who’d
kicked my books and made me do push-ups in the hallway, whom
I’d always thought would come to a violent, unhappy end – with
which I’d be avenged – but who in fact was now plunging himself
between the legs of the woman I was supposed to marry, and
he did have a penis, and not even a plastic one, and it was thicker
than mine, and had more endurance, and was inside her every
moment of every day.

By the time I moved into my new apartment, I’d come to hate
Donny Manicotti. All my anger, all my sadness and pain, I
directed at him. Later, my therapist would take note of this, asking
why Donny, and not my ex-fiancée, was the object of my rage.
The truth is, at the time – a time I now see as one of partial, or
maybe complete, loss of sanity – it didn’t occur to me to be angry
with my ex-fiancée, at least in part because I instinctively agreed
with her when she hinted that the break-up was my fault, that I
was to blame for failing to meet her emotional and sexual needs,
though I didn’t want to think about the ways I might have done
this, preferring instead to believe that if she hadn’t met Donny she
would have forged ahead with our wedding, blissfully ignorant
to my shortcomings, never realizing her needs weren’t being met.
Or else, if she did realize it, she would have told me so and asked
me to fix it rather than leave me for a girl who dressed up as a
?boy. And I would have fixed it, or at least tried to fix it, showing
myself to be a caring, thoughtful partner for at least a few months
before falling back into old patterns. And by then we would
have been married, we would have crossed that important threshold,
and leaving me for drag kings wouldn’t have been quite so
easy. And anyway, where was it written that a marriage was supposed
to fulfill every single need a person had?

In other words, I blamed myself, but I blamed Donny
more. To make it clear, when I say Donny, I don’t mean Annemarie.
I was somehow able to separate the two in my mind, and while I
hated Donny, I felt toward Annemarie a grudging sympathy,
imagining she, too, was Donny’s victim, and victim also of my exfiancée’s
substantial charms, which, when she let them loose,
were hard to fend off. I was quite certain that my ex-fiancée had
thrust herself on Annemarie the same way she’d thrust herself
on me three years earlier, and that even if Annemarie had had
second thoughts about getting involved with a woman engaged
to a straight man, the sheer force of my ex-fiancée’s will would
have overwhelmed them. And now it was Annemarie who’d have
to cope with my ex-fiancée’s depression and her temper,
Annemarie whose friends would be the object of my ex-fiancée’s
skeptical scrutiny, Annemarie who’d have to worry about whether
or not she was meeting my ex-fiancée’s needs.

So even though it was she who was now in the bed I’d
shared with my ex-fiancée – and I still had flashes of them together,
pale body tangled with dark – I recognized Annemarie as a
human being: selfish, maybe, impulsive and reckless, but also,
like the rest of us, frail and vulnerable and destined to suffer.
Donny, on the other hand, was a monster. Or, rather, he was the
local embodiment of a monstrousness I’d seen around me
since high school, a teenage male aggressiveness that showed no
compassion, no humility, that laughed at other people’s pain,
that was all dick and no heart. And of course this monstrousness
wasn’t relegated only to teenagers; if it was, it wouldn’t be so
infuriating, or so dangerous. But I saw it on the news every night –
this was a year after we’d invaded Iraq – and in just about every
program on TV, cop shows, law dramas, sitcoms, all of them full
of roving dicks wreaking havoc. I’d seen it far more often in
New Jersey than in Oregon – once, during a Little League game,
I’d watched the opposing coach beat and kick and stomp a
thirteen-year-old umpire unconscious for making a questionable
call – and that was part of what had kept me out west for so long.
But of course the monstrousness was here, too, in suited businessmen
downtown, in sports bars and rock clubs, in grocery
stores, even, and though I mostly kept it hidden from others,
I saw it often enough in myself, particularly while driving on the
freeway, where I’d shout and swear at someone who cut me off,
or refuse to let a woman in a Jeep merge in front of me – and in
these moments it felt as if there were just me and my dick and
no one else in the world.

?I’d tried to quell this part of myself over the past three
years, after hearing my ex-fiancée’s stories about the men she’d
dated before me, the pilot and the fisherman whose teenage boy
dickness had eventually sparked screaming matches and tears,
who hadn’t been dubbed honorary lesbians, who hadn’t lasted
more than a few months in her bed. I was sensitive by nature, but
during this time I actively worked to nip insensitivity in the bud,
and any that remained went underground. Often enough, during
my ex-fiancée’s bouts of depression, I wanted to shake her or
ignore her or tell her to get over herself, I wanted to strip off her
clothes and remind her of my needs, but instead I comforted and
coddled, tiptoeing around her, setting aside dick in favor of
heart, or really, a semblance of heart, a mask of compassion that
hid impatience and frustration and selfish desire. And as a result,
I can see now, I was only partly there in the room with her,
present only on the surface, while underneath there was this percolating
dick, suppressed or submerged, for the sake, I thought,
of love and soon-to-be marriage, for the sake of my future.
I didn’t appreciate the irony, then, of Donny Manicotti
stepping into the space I’d vacated, an imaginary dick taking the
place of my real one, which I’d mistakenly hidden away, thinking
it was a liability. It was beyond humiliating to have a parody of
manliness supplant the absence of my own, and I couldn’t bear
the idea that Donny – Annemarie, really, though this I wasn’t willing
to face – was both more assertive in bed and more willing to
talk about his feelings, a fuck machine who was happy to shop
for curtains and pick out paint colors. If only I’d known what my
ex-fiancée had really wanted, I could have given her the Donny
side of myself, the New Jersey side; I could have shown her what
a dick I could really be.

The truth was, though, that during my time with my
ex-fiancée, I’d been afraid to be myself, in part because it would
have opened me up to rejection, in part because it would have
meant admitting to myself that I had doubts about our relationship,
and about the future I’d envisioned. From a distance I can
say with some certainty that if I had shown myself fully, we
would have broken up much sooner than we had; I would have
said what I often thought, which was that I believed some of her
depressive episodes to be self-indulgent, an excuse not to take
responsibility for her life; I would have said that her temper made
me nervous, always worried I’d say the wrong thing, so that I
said only what I thought she wanted to hear; I would have told
her that to dislike my friends was to dislike an essential part
of me that couldn’t be compromised. And maybe it would have
been easier if I had said all these things, if we had broken up
two and a half years earlier and saved ourselves all this difficulty
and pain; but at the time I was so desperate to hang onto the
vision of life I’d constructed that I believed anything, everything,
was up for compromise.

Cover of The Next Scott Nadelson
The Next Scott Nadelson: A Life in Progress
Scott Nadelson 
Available March 2013
262 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9834775-6-3

Scott Nadelson

The Cantor's Daughter

Her name was Noa Nechemia. She was sixteen now, a junior in high school. Her narrow face was too somber to be called pretty, with deep-set eyes and a hairline that started low on her forehead, not much more than an inch above her heavy eyebrows. Her lips were full and well-shaped, but she had a habit of sucking them between her teeth and chewing them during school, and they chapped easily. At night, with the bathroom door closed, she practiced putting on lip gloss, so in the morning she could get it straight even as the bus jolted over potholes. She kept extra tissues in her purse to wipe it off before coming home. It wasn’t that her father disapproved of make-up — but seeing it on her would have brought out that oppressive, mournful expression that meant he couldn’t believe how fast she was growing up, couldn’t believe how much she was beginning to look like her mother.

Her father sang Ashkenazi services for Temple Emek Shalom in Chatwin, New Jersey, though he’d grown up on Sephardi tunes, first in Tangier, then in Netanya, where Noa had been born and where a car accident had killed her mother when Noa was eight. But Cantor Nechemia could sing anything — he had a rich, powerful voice and enormous range, and his ear was flawless. At home he listened only to opera, Mozart, Verdi, Janacek, anybody but Wagner, and when a record ended he often sang several measures from memory. “Yes, maybe I could have made a tenor, a passable one,” he sometimes said, massaging his windpipe through the stubbled skin of his neck. But then he shook his head and shrugged, adding as he did whenever an uncomfortable thought entered his mind, “But for me, God wanted something else.”

“This is the worst music ever,” Noa said, lifting the needle from a record in the middle of an aria. “If God existed, he’d set fire to all the opera houses in the world.”

God was a sore subject for them. For years her father had explained her mother’s death by talking about God’s will — divine reasoning, he said, was beyond the grasp of human understanding. As a little girl she’d accepted what he told her without question. She hadn’t known any better. But now she understood that talking about God was an excuse for her father not to face the guilt he still felt, an excuse not to get over his grief and move on with his life, and the mere mention filled her with rage. “It doesn’t make any sense,” she said. “He’s God, right? He could make things understandable if he wanted. What’s the point of believing in something you can’t understand?”

“Question all you want,” her father said. “But in the end, all we can do is trust.”

“Trust what?” she said. “Why should I trust something I can’t see? Where is he? In here?” She opened the hall closet and pushed aside coats and rain jackets. She was being dramatic, she knew, making a big act of peering under shoeboxes and behind an umbrella stand. “Come on out,” she said. “Show yourself.”

Her father didn’t get angry. He never did. He just watched her sadly, as if he’d lost not only his wife in the accident but his daughter as well. All three of them had been in the car, her father fiddling with the radio while he drove, Noa in the back seat. All she remembered of the impact now was a strange sound that had stuck with her all these years, that still sometimes surprised her in the middle of a waking dream — a slow splashing, like water poured from a pitcher, or small waves hitting shore, though they’d been a mile from the sea, heading home from an excursion to Tel Aviv. She guessed later that it had been gas spilling out of the tank beneath her, or water from the radiator, though an irrational part of her still believed it was the sound of her mother’s life draining away. Noa had walked away with nothing more than a bruise on her cheek — God’s will, her father said. He hadn’t been so lucky. He’d broken an arm and two ribs, and lost his left eye to a flying glass shard. He wore a patch now, and on several occasions she’d overheard one of his congregants say he looked like a young Moshe Dayan. Those that didn’t know about the accident probably imagined he’d been wounded in Sinai or the Golan. It was true, he had fought in Sinai in 1973, a few months before Noa was born, pulled out of Yom Kippur services, hustled onto a convoy, thrown into combat within minutes, it seemed — but at that time, he said, God had chosen to keep him from harm.

Noa knew the statistic: more Israelis were killed in cars every year than in all wars and terrorist acts since 1948. But she sometimes told friends at school other versions of her mother’s death — a bomb in a crowded market, an ambushed bus in the desert, a rocket lobbed from southern Lebanon. She confused her stories, never remembering whom she’d told what, but no one ever called her on her lies. Why did she do it? To seem exotic, she supposeed, toooooo make the sorrow she felt only vaguely now, if aat all, more present. As much as her father’s sadness infuriated her, she envied the respect it brought him, the careful way people treated him. If she ever wanted to believe in God, these were the times, hoping he pitied her for the shame she felt as she told each lie, for the disgust that overshadowed any satisfaction she might have gotten in the telling.

Cover of The Cantor’s Daughter
The Cantor’s Daughter
Scott Nadelson 
Available September 2006
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-2-1

Jerusalem—August, 1995
The orange soda was too gassy for Joel to gulp. He’d wanted orange juice but had made the mistake of letting his grandfather order for him. His grandmother had made the same mistake, and now the waitress brought out coffee in tiny ceramic cups. His grandfather took one sip, said, “Awful,” and pushed the entire saucer away.
His grandmother winced but managed to swallow. “It’s Turkish,” she said. “If we want regular, I think we have to order ‘filtered.’”
“Awful,” his grandfather repeated. His white hair stuck up an inch from his scalp all around, so thick it was hard to see how a brush could make its way through. His skin seemed thick, too, but darker and leathery from the Florida sun, the wrinkles circling his eyes like cracks in a punctured windshield. Joel knew something about windshield cracks, having shot a BB at his mother’s boyfriend’s Mustang a week before they’d left on this trip. His grandfather wore a white golf shirt, white linen slacks, white socks and tennis shoes, and in his back pocket was a white cloth hat he’d put on when he started to overheat. He flipped through the guidebook he hadn’t let go of once in the last two days, holding it at arm’s length to read. “The tour starts at ten-thirty.”
“You told us already,” Joel said. “You told us yesterday.”
“Why don’t you put your glasses on,” his grandmother said. “You’ll strain your eyes.”
“We should get going,” his grandfather said.
“We’ve got half an hour,” his grandmother said.
“We’re always early,” Joel said.
His grandmother lifted her cup to her lips, balancing it between both thumbs and forefingers. “I’d like to finish my coffee. It’s lovely once you get used to the grit.”
The café was on Ben Yehuda Street, their table so far out into the pedestrian lane that twice now, a passing tourist had bumped Joel’s arm. “Good for people watching,” his grandmother had said, but Joel watched only his fingers in the mesh of the wrought iron table top, his pinkie able to wriggle through one of the holes. He was thirteen, three months past his bar mitzvah, a sunken-chested boy with long twig arms that suggested he might, one day, grow taller than his grandfather, who claimed to be five-foot-nine but couldn’t have been more than five-seven, Joel was sure. Joel’s father was five-nine, but since Joel hadn’t seen him since his bar mitzvah reception three months ago, it was hard to remember exactly how tall that looked. His mother’s boyfriend was six-three, too tall for his mother, Joel thought. Too loud for his mother, too, with a booming voice that bubbled up from his round belly. His mother had been going out with Dennis for nearly a year now, her soft words drowned out by Dennis’s constant yammering, his snorting laugh. Dennis knew something about everything and didn’t let anyone else talk, ever. You could say, “I ate a yeti for lunch today,” and Dennis would twist the end of his mustache and answer, “Funny story about yetis. When I was backpacking through Nepal and Pakistan—” And then he’d be off, talking for an hour straight about climbing to base camp at K2, about how he thought his ear was frostbitten and ready to fall off, about his friend who went snowblind and nearly dropped into a crevasse, but not another word about yetis.
It was impossible not to hate him, and all summer Joel had tried to make Dennis hate him back. He’d hidden his wallet for a whole week, returning it only when Dennis said, “Look, pal, I’m about to run out of gas. You let me have my Visa, I’ll buy you a guitar. I started playing when I was about your age. First guitar I had was a beat-up Les Paul—” Then he was off again, talking about his band, the time he’d gotten thrown off the stage at the Fillmore, and to shut him up, Joel brought him his wallet. Later, he let the air out of all the Mustang’s tires. After his mother lectured him for half an hour, Joel shook Dennis’s hand and muttered an apology. “A truce, huh?” Dennis said. “Just like Grant and Lee at Appomattox. ‘The Gentlemen’s Agreement.’ Most people think that was the end of the war, but it wasn’t. Did you know the last Confederate general to surrender was the Cherokee Stand White—”
Truces were made to be broken, though he knew the BB had been going too far. He’d borrowed the gun from a neighbor kid and then swore he’d had nothing to do with the hole in the windshield. His mother had promised to punish him as soon as she had enough evidence. It was only a matter of time before she found out where he’d gotten the gun, one of the few things that made him thankful to be spending the next three weeks halfway around the world. The windshield would be fixed by the time he got home, the whole thing, with luck, forgotten.
This trip was his bar mitzvah present from his grandparents, though he’d asked for a computer or cash. His grandmother had kept it secret until after the reception, when only a few family members were left at his mother’s house. Joel had already been in a lousy mood by then, because his father had just left, on his way back to Seattle, where he sold medical equipment and lived in a converted warehouse. Joel hadn’t been out to see him yet, and could only imagine him walking around in an open, echoing space, cardboard boxes stacked in one corner, a forklift in another. Before he drove to the airport, his father had clapped him on the back and said, “Way to go, kiddo. You really nailed that haftarah.” But Dennis had been close by, and though he wasn’t even Jewish, started talking about the origins of the Kabbalah. Joel wanted to pull his father away, talk to him in private, ask him about the warehouse and when he might visit, but his father seemed interested in what Dennis was saying, nodding often and encouraging him with a mumbled, “Is that so?” and “I had no idea.” Didn’t he know better than to humor the guy? Didn’t he want to knock him on his ass for the nerve of dating his ex-wife? Soon his father checked his watch and said, “I’d love to hear more, but it’ll have to wait till next time. Come give me a hug, JoJo. Have fun opening your presents.”
Then his grandmother came to him with an envelope, smiling in a tense, close-lipped way that tried to hide her excitement but couldn’t. She looked much younger than his grandfather, partly because she dyed her hair a reddish brown and kept it up in a wispy sort of perm, partly because her skin, though slack over cheeks and chin, was the softest he’d ever felt. When she kissed him he smelled baby oil. The envelope wasn’t heavy, which meant most likely there was a check inside, not cash. A check would go straight into his bank account, not to be seen again until college, but he’d already pocketed three hundred-dollar bills his Uncle Ron, a dentist, had slipped him on the sly. But now, instead of a check, he pulled out a plane ticket. Seattle, he thought, and got ready to hug his grandmother. But then he saw the airline: El Al. “We leave on August first!” his grandmother squealed, and his grandfather said to people around him, “It nearly killed the woman to keep a secret this long. It’s all I’ve heard about for six months.” Joel missed his father already and wanted to cry, but his grandmother was smiling so brightly, the relatives saying what a wonderful gift it was, especially now with all the recent developments, peace finally within reach, that he did hug her and said thanks to his grandfather, who took the ticket from him, saying he’d keep it safe until they left. “The thing about Israel,” Dennis said. “It’s not just the history that’s complicated, or the politics, but the people who live there—”
And that’s when Joel had had it, heading up to his room, leaving the rest of his presents for another day.
Now he finished his orange soda and tried to belch, but the gas just rattled around his chest and leaked out silently. His grandmother smiled at him, black grounds caught between her front teeth, top and bottom. It was still morning and already too hot, hotter even than Fort Lauderdale, where his grandparents lived between a golf course and a pond shared by exotic birds and an alligator. Already his grandfather had the scowling, impatient look that for the past three days hadn’t shown up until afternoon. All around them were air-conditioned buildings, but here they were, sitting under the broiling sun like morons. Across the street was McDavid’s, a name Joel found less funny than curious, wondering what the Jewish version of the Big Mac would taste like, whether there was a Ronald McDavid with a beard and sidelocks. Twice so far he’d asked if they could eat there, but his grandfather said fast food would clog your arteries whether it was kosher or not.
Joel had never thought much about coming to Israel, though his Hebrew school teacher, Mrs. Nachman, had talked about it constantly, closing her eyes and saying wistfully, “Next year in Jerusalem,” even when it was six months until Passover. The walls of her classrooms were covered in maps made between 1967 and 1978, none with the Green Line printed in, just a solid mass from the Golan to Sinai. “If we give up land for peace, the six million die in vain,” she told the class. “When the next Holocaust comes, you’ll be glad there’s enough room for all of us.” Another time she said, “The Arabs, they breed like vermin. That’s why you have to have as many children as you can.” She called Rabin a traitor, Clinton a fool, Arafat the spawn of demons. Joel didn’t question what she said, didn’t care one way or another, until she started talking about intermarriage. “If you want to get divorced, go ahead, marry a gentile. If you want to destroy three thousand years of history. If you want to spit on the graves of the six million.” The Jewish girls Joel knew were all flat-chested and loudmouthed, and he had no intention of marrying any of them. At his bar mitzvah he’d danced with three girls from his middle school, all blonde, all Christian, all giggling at the blessings over the wine and bread. Afterward, Dennis said, “You’ve got an eye for the shiksas, huh, pal? You know about Portnoy’s complaint?” Before he could go on, Joel said, “I’m not complaining,” and all the adults around him laughed.
He knew he should be grateful to his grandparents for bringing him here, knew he should feel a connection to the land Mrs. Nachman called his birthright. But all they did was take tours of one part of the city or another, and it was like being around Dennis for hours on end, getting piled with dates and details when all he wanted was to let his head be empty for a change. It was a hundred degrees and he had to wear long pants everywhere or else get turned away from the churches and synagogues and mosques. They had three weeks of tours planned, to the Galilee, to the Negev, to the Mediterranean coast, and he thought he’d go crazy. The only place he wanted to go was the Dead Sea, to find out if he really could float because of all the salt, but that trip wasn’t planned until their last week, and by then he’d just want to stay at the hotel, floating in the pool.

Cover of Aftermath
Aftermath
Scott Nadelson 
Available September 2011
286 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9790188-6-2
Cover of The Greening of Ben Brown
The Greening of Ben Brown
Michael Strelow 
Available September 2005
268 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9716915-8-4

David Rocklin

The Canals and the Sea

In the morning, she made Eligius a part of it.
First, the water. Three full buckets brought from the sea.
After the water, the silver nitrate crystals.
Eligius sifted the glistening sand. He listened to the names
for these things. The sand, the glass, the beast itself. Camera.
The memsa’ab called out the words from Holland’s correspondence;
each piece took its place.
Reading from Sir John’s letter, she instructed Eligius
through the process. She showed him how to immerse the paper
in sea water, dry it over candles, then brush it on one side with
the silver nitrate. All was completed in shadow, which she thought
ironic. This man who lectured her from across the sea, hadn’t he
been the one to warn her against holding shadows for too long?
Lifting the paper to the light, she pronounced it acceptable,
then slid it into a wooden frame. “Julia, come sit. It’s time.”
Julia watched their progress from Holland House’s
doorway. Her lace dress gathered in the air, then settled around
her porcelain legs. The chair was no more than a few steps
from her, yet she eyed it as if it were a distant point she’d been
ordered to.
“No more of this baseless fear,” Catherine told her daughter.
“This is science, and a little faith. There is nothing of the devil
at work. I will explain each thing I do. Will that finally calm you?”
“This nameless pursuit shouldn’t be yours,” Julia said. “It
is a man’s avocation. If father isn’t taking it up, it’s not for us to
do so.”
“If it suits you to bow quietly, then do so. I see what Charles
does not. I pray, where Charles considers and reasons.
We differ. Perhaps you are more his child than mine. All the more
reason for you to sit.”
Julia did as she was told, grudgingly. She arranged her
dress over her legs and stared vacantly at the wall behind the
camera.
“When I’m ready, you will look as I require. Until then, have
your sulk. Eligius, we place the paper into its frame, and
the frame in turn into the camera. She lifted the cloak for him.
“Come look.”
He slipped under, entering darkness. Her hand joined him.
It opened a small sliding door. “The aperture,” she said. “Press
your eye to it.”
He did, and Julia was instantly in the dark with him. A
familiarly arrogant girl with an imperious tilt to her head. It was
as if she’d been made a sunlit painting of flesh.
Her eyes misted. Her hands fluttered every few seconds.
She could not sit still as her mother told her.
She is afraid of becoming a shadow, he thought.
He took the bauble from around his neck, left the camera’s
cloak and let the bauble’s string coil into her upturned palm.
The glass momentarily shot through with veins of sun, passing
them onto the skin of her arm in an emulsion of light. Its touch
calmed her.
“Smile or don’t smile,” Catherine told Julia. “But don’t move.
Hold yourself still until I say otherwise. This will be a while.”
“ Yes, mother.”
“Begin.”
For an interminable time, Julia kept herself composed. Her
hands folded demurely in her lap with the bauble for company.
Its surface dangled bells of light onto her skin that moved with
the sun.
While she sat, Catherine read from the letter. She spoke
with wonderment of the circuitous path her daughter’s image
might follow. If all was well and ordained, Julia would rest as a
second skin upon the paper.
“Talbot and Daguerre have failed thus far to reproduce the
images as anything but faded stains on paper,” she read from
Holland’s account. “They can take a moment – a tree, a cathedral –
and oddly invert it. Turn its natural light inside out, as it were.
But to truly hold it for all time? Paper to paper, we lose what we
hold immediately, and what we are left with is faint, vaporous,
dying. No, something is capricious in this process and won’t be
tamed with mere paper. I’ve tried it myself. Once I saw my assistant
George as black Elgin marble on the treated sheet. But I
could not slow the crystals’ reactions. Instantly, he was no more.”
In the afternoon, she withdrew the plate from the camera
while Julia wept frustrated tears. She daubed at the paper
with tufts of gauze she dipped gingerly into a small beaker of
rust-colored liquid. Boils of silvery air rose from the surface,
then burst.
Eligius came to her side. In thirty breaths, they saw it stir.
Waves of silver slowly spread through the paper’s fibers to
form a cloudy streak. No more than an inch, the patch disgorged
mercurial edges in either direction, then became dissolute.
Seizing a second sheet, she pressed the papers together.
“Eligius, help me!”
He reluctantly put his hands on the sheets next to hers
and pressed as hard as he could. Something like warmth passed
into his skin.
“Stop, stop!” she cried, as a blaze raged in her palms. She
threw the papers down and upended the bucket. Water twinned
with silver and flecks of something else, the fleeting essence of
pale skin, splashed over Eligius’ hands.
“It’s gone,” she moaned. “Only the merest moment of her.
But you saw.”
“It was water catching light, he murmured. “Nothing more.”
“You saw her breathe.” She crumpled Holland’s letter. “Salt
prints. Daguerreotypes. It is not enough! I will make these
moments draw themselves, and I will not watch them fade. God
can strike me down if I don’t.”
She threw the wooden frame against the wall and stalked
out.
“What did you see?” Ewen whispered.
Eligius closed his eyes, and it was there. A hazy patch the
hue of milky coffee. The bauble. Next to it, a hint of Julia’s hand.
“I see only a mess to be cleaned up,” he said, but the boy’s
eyes spoke of his disbelief.
A small spot of black formed on the web of skin between
his thumb and forefinger. He wiped it against his tunic. It remained.
In its center was a point of lighter pigment. A curvature
he’d learned by heart. He shook his hand until he felt his bones
rattle, but the bauble’s shape did not leave his skin.
My dear John,
I fear it is no better with me than with you in the matter of the
camera. I can neither raise nor hold more than a vestige.
I lose hope by the day. I cannot afford to continue throwing
heart and soul into paper and silver and iodide. For what?
Failures. Shadows. Do I ask too much to beseech you for more
of these precious commodities? Yet I do. Please send what
you can, and should the Lord in His boundless goodness see
fit to raise Charles from his worries over matters of state
and health, I will repay you. Our crops fail. Charles’ standing
and pride fails with them. I remind him of his place on the
Court and all its prestiges. Why, just the other day the entire
Court was here, and the Governor himself ! But he is gripped
by worries I cannot reach. I fear for our future, which grows as
dark as these terrible windows I fashion from paper. The
worst kind of black, John. It takes my hope. Yet I persist. You
steam to Ceylon as I write, and what do I have to show you?
Nothing. I fear I burden you with my soul’s contents. For that,
I beg your pardon. I wish I could end this cursed need of mine
to see more. I wish I could be content with what I have. Things
would be easier. Sadly, I have never been a contented woman,
but why should I be? Women keep nothing of themselves.
Nothing lasts in the end, eh? Write to me, even if it is harsh. Send
what you can, but if not, send at least your words. It grows
quieter here.
Catherine
Eligius returned the letter to its envelope when he heard
footsteps approaching. Catherine came from her husband’s
study into the dining room. She held out his rupees and told him
to post her correspondence.
“But he is at sea, memsa’ab.”
“I’ve written the name of his ship. It will find its way,
through ports of call. What matters is that I send these words
somewhere. They cannot remain here.”
“ Will you try again, memsa’ab?”
He saw her eyes fill before she turned away. “The feather
shadow is still under my mat,” he told her. “It came. Maybe we
cannot be held. Only small things.”
“Are you still afraid of it?”
He nodded. “But I will bring more casks, if you want me to.”
“Have the missionary bring you back by cart if they’re too
heavy to carry.”
He took the memsa’ab’s sad letter. She had written it on
her special paper.
It had only been a week since he was last in the jungle, yet
it felt like seasons had gone by. The sensations he loved – the
dewy lushness under his bare feet, the wind cutting between
leaves and bringing faint hints of spice and rain, the low mewlings
of unseen animals – filled him with a fresh appreciation for his
country.
On the outskirts of Rahatungode, he heard a sound behind
Ceylon’s green curtain. It began as a murmur that at first he
thought he was imagining. Only the subtly cocked heads of the
field hands at the plantations he passed told him he wasn’t alone
in hearing it. By the time he reached the village of Devampiya,
four hours’ walk away from Dimbola, the sound became a rain of
screams. Women’s lamentations. The only men’s voices he heard
belonged to colonials.
He dropped to the ground when he spotted the soldiers.
They had taken positions before a grove of teak trees ringing
Devampiya. Three of them stood over a weeping woman. Her
children clung to her as she pled for their compassion. Other
soldiers took the last of her meager belongings and tossed them
into the street. Two glistening servants hefting sharp-bladed
shovels began cracking her home open. Wailing rose. There was
still someone inside.
Part of the hut wall crumpled inward. An old woman
screamed that they were killing her.
Two children brought Ault from the far side of the village
road. “Why are you doing this?” he cried.
“Their land is forfeited,” one of the soldiers told him. “It’s
mandated by the governor’s law. Devampiya’s men are missing
and presumed to have abandoned their village to the tax assessor.
Old woman, I won’t ask again. You can stay and let the walls
bury you for all I care!”
Ault came to her door, pleading in his ragged Tamil. “Please
come out. There is nothing more we can do.”
From his hiding place between the root coils of a fig tree,
Eligius watched the rest of the old woman’s home bow to the
insistent blades. It was over in minutes. When the soldiers were
done and a safe distance away, he went to the missionary.
“What are you doing here?” Ault demanded. “It’s
dangerous.”
Eligius pressed his rupees into Ault’s hand. “Give these
to my mother. Whatever she needs for tax. I swear I will pay you
back. I will work it off. Do not let this happen to her.”
“Are you going to join these men, Eligius? The ones from
your village, and this one, and all the others? Will you kill me in
my sleep?”
Eligius turned and ran. Dimbola was hours away. Behind
him, a village very much like his own fell into memory.
He pounded the servant’s side door until Mary opened it.
“ You shouldn’t be here,” she said.
“I know it’s late.”
“No one is asleep.” She stepped aside to let him pass.
He found the Colebrooks gathered in the study. Only Ewen was
missing, likely in his bed.
Charles sat in his chair. His legs and arms were swaddled
in blankets that radiated the last of the hearthstones’ heat. His
snowy beard rose and fell with his coughing.
“Forgive me,” Eligius said. They were all staring at him.
“The hour, and your Sunday. But I have been to Devampiya.
The governor’s law has already started, sa’ab. He is not waiting
for you to tell him anything. The village has been destroyed.”
“On what basis does a servant accuse the governor of destroying
whole villages?” His voice shook.
“Sa’ab. I was there – ”
“How dare you accuse an Englishman?”
“Father.” Julia looked up at Charles from her seat on a
blanketed duvet. “He’s trying to help you.”
“He is a thief! Is it not true? Have we not heard enough
tonight to know that?” He pounded the armrest of his chair.
“Was it my friend the governor who came into my study in the
dead of night to steal from me? Tell me, boy. Did you find something
that would fetch a good price in here? Were you going to
buy a gun with it? Would you lead your men through our doors
after all we’ve done for you?”
Mary quietly stepped away from the study door. Eligius
hadn’t noticed her until just now, and with her silent retreat, he
understood. “I took nothing.”
Catherine’s eyes were on him and he couldn’t simply stand
there, damned before her.
“ Yes, I thought about it. But I didn’t. I left it where I found
it. Please. I have done nothing wrong.”
“What was it to be?”
He pointed to the map of Ceylon.
“Fitting,” Charles said.
“My husband, I cannot be quiet.” Catherine tucked Charles’
blanket around his legs. “If this boy was a thief and a seditionist,
the bauble around his neck that your daughter made a gift of
would already have been sold for guns or butter.”
Julia’s face reddened.
“There is a place for forgiveness, husband. The Christian
thing to do – ”
“Who is master of this house?” Charles’ words pulled him
up from his chair. “The time has come to resolve this question,
which is on the lips of our neighbors and the men of the Court.
Who is master of this house?”
“ You,” Julia said.
“ Yes,” Catherine said.
“And do you take the word of a servant you don’t know over
the word of a maid who has served my predecessor, and now us,
for years? An English girl?”
“I place you above all,” Catherine said.
“Do you, Catherine? Do you place me above your own
ambition? Is it me you think of in the guest house? Or am I found
further down your list, behind that contraption and the written
attentions of Sir John Holland and God knows who else? And all
of these efforts are to what end? You make a pathetic figure.”
“I cannot bear this.” Catherine left the room. In a moment
she was crossing the yard toward Holland House.
“Eligius. Look at me.” The old man’s eyes were rimmed
with red. “ You must leave us now. I wish it weren’t so, but I have
done what I can. You reject your father’s path, it seems.”
“ You’re wrong,” Eligius said.
“Nevertheless.”
“His family will starve,” Julia said.
“They are a resourceful people.”
“If he were to apologize – ”
“I cannot.” Eligius walked to the door. “I stole nothing.
I have given you more than you had a right to. It is you who took
from me.”
Julia ran after him and caught him in the yard, just below
the porch where he had first seen her in the slanting rain.
“I’ll talk to him,” she said breathlessly. “Tomorrow, without my
mother to kindle his feelings. He’ll see nothing is missing.”
“I’m a servant. It shouldn’t matter to you.”
“Nevertheless.” She composed herself. Her head tilted
as if she looked down at him from a great height. “A wrong has
been done. That is all.”
He removed the bauble.
“No,” she said.
“Take it or they will take it from me. Then there will be
another gun.” He held it out and waited.
“I’ll send word through the missionary,” Julia said. “About
your return.”
“If you wish.”
“What made you decide not to take father’s map?”
He stood quietly, wondering the same thing. “Taking it
from you,” he finally said, “is not something my father would have
done. I am a man like my father.”
Her hand opened. He let the bauble fall through black
space.
She stood back from the cottage doorway so she would not
be seen. So she would see no more of this, the drift of her life.
Out there, Eligius returned Julia’s gifted bauble. He turned and
left Dimbola.
Behind her, the Court image fluttered in the breeze leaking
in, to become trapped between the walls of Holland House.
She’d said nothing.
Ault would know how to get word to Eligius. In time there
would be softening. Charles would relent. This would pass
into the dustbin of memory with the other regretted words of a
marriage.
The terrible shaking began in her faint-stained hands. In
Paris she’d learned of the far flung canals of the heart. How
they traversed the breadth of the body like streams in search of
the sea. The shaking took her at the shoulders, traversed her,
found her heart and washed her away.
She sobbed until her chest burned. She’d said nothing to
stop this.
Dimbola was quiet where Eligius had been.
She remained where she was. Movement felt like the will
of someone else. Standing there, halfway in, halfway out,
she thought that this was the first time she’d found refuge in the
cottage, yet it was something outside that remained with her.

Cover of The Luminist
The Luminist
David Rocklin 
Introduction by Jacquelyn Mitchard
Available September 2011
322 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9790188-7-9

Loretta Stinson

Chapter 3: Simple Twist of Fate

For the next four days Janie stayed tucked under a crocheted afghan on Dee’s couch. She slept, ate bowls of Cocoa Puffs, and watched TV with the volume off so Dee could sleep. Time slipped by. Janie was waiting for Paul.
The day after he brought her home from the club, he showed up on his motorcycle. He didn’t knock, walked inside carrying an armload of wood, and built a fire. Then he stood in the living room shifting from foot to foot until she asked him if he wanted to watch Bonanza with her. It turned out Paul Jesse had a thing for old Westerns.
That first night Janie had been too sick to notice more than his kindness. The next afternoon she took in his features when he wasn’t looking. His hair was long and the color of taffy, worn in a thick braided rope that hung down to the middle of his back. He was tanned and had some weather to his face. His Fu Manchu was neatly trimmed, and dimples framed his mouth. His warm brown eyes had crow’s feet from laughing or squinting too hard in the sun.
Every day he showed up just after Delores left for work and stayed until Janie fell asleep on the couch during Johnny Carson. He didn’t offer to comb her hair again. He didn’t touch her at all. He talked very little, but the silence between them was comfortable.
Janie didn’t mention Paul’s visits to Delores. They were small in themselves and probably didn’t mean anything to anyone but Janie. She found herself holding her breath waiting for the sound of his bike on the gravel each afternoon.
On Monday Janie knew she’d be well enough to go back to work. She hoped going back to The Habit wouldn’t end whatever was happening between her and Paul. That morning she made spaghetti like her dad used to make using a page torn from her mom’s cookbook. She almost never got a chance to cook and the times she had were special to her. Once she had her own home she would cook every day and love it.
* * *
Paul had no idea what he was doing. Every day he told himself to get back to work and quit going to see that girl. Come three in the afternoon he’d get restless. He couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t concentrate. He’d get on his bike with every intention of heading over to The Habit to do some business, yet somehow he’d find himself pulling into Delores’s driveway to see the girl with the blue eyes, and the four freckles across the bridge of her nose, and the lips that needed no extra color, and the acres of wavy brown hair that smelled clean and shone like polished wood.
When he walked through the door, his intentions disappeared. She felt familiar as old tunes on the radio. She didn’t talk much, but when she did she wasn’t coy and didn’t come on to him. She had a habit of twining her hair around her fingers when she watched TV. Anybody would think he had a crush on her but she was at least ten years younger than him.
He parked his bike and went inside through the backdoor to the kitchen. She stood at the stove stirring red sauce. Her hair was pulled back, her face without make-up. Her worn shirt was almost the same blue as her eyes.
“I hope you’re hungry.” She smiled at him. “I made my mom’s secret sauce. The secret is bacon. Don’t tell.” Janie lifted the spoon to her lips, blowing on it before she held it out to him. “Want a taste?”
He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t look away from those eyes. Paul put his hand over hers, bending to bring the spoon to his mouth. He didn’t let go of her hand as he brought the spoon down. He didn’t look away.

The smell of coffee and Delores stomping around woke Paul in the morning. Janie slept next to him, her breath deep and even. He got out of bed to go shut Dee up and get a cup of coffee to bring back. He’d like to lie beside Janie and watch her sleep awhile longer.
Delores sat at the kitchen table tapping her cigarette into an ashtray. She stared as Paul poured himself coffee. Her voice was harsh. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Getting some coffee. What’s wrong with you?” Paul leaned back against the counter.
“Are you sleeping with that girl?”
“Is that your business, Dee?”
“What happens in my house is my business.” Her voice rose.
“Look, I didn’t plan on spending the night, and I didn’t figure it’d piss you off so much if I did.” Paul picked up his cup. “It’s too early for this. I’m going back to bed.”
“Not in my house you’re not.”
“Lighten up Dee. Look, it was just a night. I’m not looking for an old lady. You want me to say it was mistake? Okay. I got carried away or some shit. Now can I go back to bed?”
The clock on the wall clicked. A drop of water splashed in the pan left to soak overnight in the kitchen sink. Delores looked past him down the hall. Paul knew before he looked that Janie was there. She didn’t say a word. Before he could stop her, Janie was gone, the door to her room shutting behind her.
* * *
Janie worked the rest of the week, staying for the payday crowd to top off her savings from the past two months. Paul came to The Habit twice and never looked at her. She felt more alone than she had in a long time. She thought something real had happened between them. She’d learned that when she gave her body away she lost a piece of herself, so she didn’t do it often. She’d bartered with sex as a trade for something she needed before, but that was different. When she was in bed with Paul, she felt as if she belonged there with him. She thought she’d be alone forever. The only cure was the road. She didn’t talk to Dee about Paul or about leaving. She just wanted to go. At the health food store on their way to work one afternoon, Janie read the bulletin board while Dee bought some Tiger Balm. The Oregon Country Fair was in Veneta, outside Eugene, two weeks and three hundred miles away from The Habit and Paul Jesse. Janie had almost five hundred dollars stashed. She’d leave that week.
Friday morning she packed her things and asked Delores for a ride to the freeway. Dee didn’t seem surprised and didn’t try to talk her out of it. The past week had been strained. Delores kept trying to bring up Paul and Janie stayed quiet.
Delores pulled over on the shoulder of the northbound on-ramp to I-5. “Well, here you go. Take it easy.”
“See you.” Janie felt lighter than she had in a week. She faced the direction of traffic and extended her thumb, hoping for a gypsy trucker who wanted company and might be going straight through to Eugene. Nothing like miles and a new scene to get your head back. She’d moved on from so many places and people over the past two years that staying put, no matter how much she thought she wanted to, scared her, made her feel trapped.
There wasn’t much traffic so she waited, standing patiently wondering if she should have gotten a ride from Dee to a different on-ramp. Hitching from small towns could be hard. A station wagon slowed down but didn’t stop. Finally, as despair was setting in, a white delivery van with Oregon plates pulled over. The driver, a youngish guy, got out and adjusted the passenger side mirror. “So, where you headed?”
Janie looked him over. “Down to the Country Fair in Eugene.”
“I’m going to Portland. That’s about halfway.” He opened the door for her. Fast food wrappers and a metal clipboard holding some papers were on the seat. “Go ahead and put your stuff in the back.”
Janie didn’t usually ride in vans. Somebody could be hiding, but when she pulled off her pack and slung it in the back she didn’t see anybody. He seemed like a regular worker on the job wanting company. The guy slammed her door and got back in, stepping on the gas and merging with the afternoon traffic.
The heater rattled. Janie tried to roll down her window but saw that both the window and door handles had been removed. Her heart started thumping and her mouth turned to sand. She stared out the window, pretending to be fine as she went through escape routes in her head.
“You want me to show you something?” His voice was wet like he didn’t swallow enough.
“No, that’s okay.”
“I really want to show you my special place.” He took the next exit onto a county road. They were out in the middle of nowhere. “You’re going to be my pretty girl.”
“Can you pull over? I get car sick and I think I’m going to throw up.”
“And you lie, don’t you? Pretty girls always lie.”
“I’m not lying. Can you let me out?”
“No. We’re going to have a party in my special place and then maybe I’ll let you out.”
The van was hot with the windows rolled up and the noisy heater running. He turned onto a dirt access road in a tree farm and slowed down. Nothing but acres of Douglas firs as far as she could see. Janie threw her weight against the door hoping to pop it open. It didn’t budge.
He laughed. “You can’t get out till I say so.” He backed the van around in a pullout on the single-lane dirt road and stopped.
“Please. Let me go. You can leave me right here.”
“Not yet.” As he got out of the van, Janie jumped across the seat and locked his door. Running around to her side, he opened the door and came after her, forcing her into the back of the van. She screamed and beat at him, her arms and legs ineffective. He caught her by her hair, wrapping it around his fist and slamming her face into the metal door until all she could taste was blood. He dragged her down, turning her over and pinning her body to the cold metal floor. His breath was hot and stank of old food and cigarettes as he grunted into her ear. “You won’t be pretty anymore.” He punched her face until she gave up and lay still. She could smell the sour sweat of his body. Blood filled her mouth, making her choke. Her eyes swelled shut. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move. Nobody knew where she was. Nobody would be coming to get her.

Hours later he pulled her from the van and pushed her body into the underbrush. Janie watched through one swollen eye as he dug through her pack, scattering her belongings and taking her money before driving away.
She lay on her side afraid to move until silence filled the dark. She focused on a tree trunk a few feet away. She knew she should be cold. She wasn’t. She knew she should hurt. She didn’t. She touched her face, examining the damage by fingertip. Her face felt misshapen. She couldn’t see out of her left eye. Her nose was huge and she had trouble breathing. Her lips were split, but she didn’t think she was missing any teeth. She pulled herself to her knees and began to gather her clothes. Standing up to dress, she felt dizzy and thought she might pass out. She stood still and concentrated on the rough feel of the bark beneath her fingers. She knew she wasn’t that far from The Habit. She would think of getting there. She wouldn’t think of how stupid she’d been to get in the van. She wouldn’t think of the rules she’d broken––rules she’d created from experience––when she got in the van.
1. Always check the doors before you get in.
2. Never take a ride in a van.
A phrase she remembered played in her head, and she let it spin as she began walking: “Keep on truckin’. You got to keep on truckin’.” She repeated the phrase until she reached The Habit miles away.

Cover of Little Green
Little Green
Loretta Stinson 
Introduction by Robin Givens
Available September 2010
290 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9790188-1-7

Frank Meeink
Jody M. Roy, Ph.D

Chapter One: The Confessional

From Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead, 2nd edition

On the morning of April 19, 1995, I squeezed past the meat counter of a corner deli, grabbed a pre-wrapped hoagie, and made my way to the cash register. The clerk was glued to a small television set behind the counter.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Somebody blew up a building.”

“No shit? Where?”

“Oklahoma City.”

Within minutes of the blast, the world was huddled around television sets. Even me and my fellow drug dealers abandoned our corner at Second and Porter to follow the story. We piled into the front bedroom of a ratty South Philly rowhouse.

“What kind of an asshole does that?” somebody asked.

Little conversations erupted around the room.

“Youse think it’s terrorists?”

“Like in Israel?”

“No fucking way. That shit don’t happen here.”

“It happened in New York.”

“This ain’t the same thing. It’s fucking Oklahoma.”

“I still say it’s terrorists.”

“I think it’s some fucking nut job.”

“I bet I know who did it,” I said.

The room fell silent.

The Second and Porter boys had taken me in a few months earlier when not a lot of people wanted anything to do with me. I hadn’t seen most of them since grade school, but they accepted me back anyhow. I was one of them. Like every other dude on that corner, I was a South Philly Catholic cocktail. I was a little darker than the pure Irish guys, a little taller than the full Italians, and a lot skinnier than everybody except the kooksters who’d given up food for cocaine. But to the Second and Porter boys, I was still Frankie Meeink from the old neighborhood. They overlooked everything else. Or maybe they never really believed it until the day of the Oklahoma City Bombing, when they heard me say, “I bet I know who did it.”

For the first time that day, everyone turned away from the television. Every dude in that room stared at me as if he was really seeing me for the first time since I’d reappeared in their lives. I felt their eyes lock on the five-inch swastika tattooed on my neck. I glanced nervously at my hands. The tattoos on my knuckles accused me: “S-K-I-N-H-E-A-D.”

Finally, someone cautiously asked, “Who?”

“I ain’t saying I can name the name, but youse just watch: it’s going to end up being somebody tied to the movement.”

I knew. Deep in my gut, from the second the story broke, I knew. I recognized the plot. It’s from The Turner Diaries, the “novel” by Andrew MacDonald. The thing is, Andrew MacDonald isn’t the author’s real name; his real name is William Pierce. And, in 1995, William Pierce was still head of the National Alliance, and his book was still at the top of the white supremacy movement’s “must read” list. When the cops finally apprehended Timothy McVeigh, they found copies of pages from The Turner Diaries in his car. My copy was tucked away in the back of a closet. I’d read it cover-to-cover during my skinhead years, and while I read it, I wanted to blow something up. And I knew how, thanks to that book and others like it. I’d just never had the right opportunity.

The other Second and Porter boys wandered back to the corner later that night, but I stayed in front of the television. I didn’t leave the house for days. I barely even got high. I just sat there, flipping channels, catching all the angles on the story, unable to look away. One image seared itself into my mind: a firefighter carrying a bleeding baby girl out of the rubble. Every time I saw that picture, I thought of my little girl, the little girl I hadn’t seen in more than a year, and I wept.
As the body count mounted, I felt so fucking evil. For the first time ever, my victims haunted me. The kid in Springfield desperately trying to catch his own blood so I wouldn’t make good on my threat to shoot him if he stained my carpet. The unarmed gay men I beat with an Orangina bottle. The college student I held down so another skinhead could pry a hammer from his head. Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols killed 168 people. How many of my victims had wished for death while I brutalized them?
Once, when I had glanced down at the bloody face of a college student, I had been seized by a horrible realization: “He could be my Uncle Dave,” my childhood hero, the guy I could’ve been, should’ve been, if everything in my whole fucking life had been different. But I’d shaken that thought off the second it flashed across my mind, and I kicked that poor college kid more, harder. I laughed at his suffering. I attacked others that same night, and so many others in the years that followed. And for years, for five fucking years, I believed I was fighting a holy war. I was raining down God’s justice on an evil world. Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols believed that, too. That belief killed 168 people in Oklahoma City. Nineteen of them were innocent little kids, like my baby girl. I couldn’t shake that. I couldn’t bear that.
I knew if I didn’t talk to someone I was going to lose my mind. But I had no one to talk to. No one in my life outside the white supremacy movement understood what the movement was about. No one in my life outside the movement had a clue how far in I’d been. My parents, grandparents, my buddies on Second and Porter, none of them knew the truth about me: for five years, I would have blown up a building.

It took almost a week to figure out who I could talk to without needing to translate every term, who probably knew enough about me to believe me.

The lobby was impressive, but the offices were plain. A framed photo of an Eagles fullback stood proudly on a table. I’d expected wanted posters.

“How can I help you?” asked the clean-cut kid at the front desk. He looked like he’d probably played football in high school. I watched his eyes methodically survey my tattoos like he’d been taught at Quantico.

“I need to talk to somebody.”

“What’s this in reference to?”

“Oklahoma City.”

Within about a minute, I was sitting on a metal chair in a windowless room. Unlike the kid working the front desk, the agent across from me in the interrogation room was no rookie. His dark, wavy hair framed the wrinkles cutting into his forehead. From the looks of the bags under his eyes, he hadn’t slept since the truck exploded.

“Do you know Timothy McVeigh?” he asked.

“No.”

He came at the same question from different angles until he was satisfied I really did not know McVeigh.

“I’m not here to rat nobody out,” I said.

“Then why are you here?”

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

“For what?”

“I didn’t know Timothy McVeigh.” I paused for a really long time trying to find the right words. Then I said, “For a really long time, I wanted to be Timothy McVeigh.”

I confessed to that agent like he was a priest.

Cover of Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead, 2nd edition
Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead, 2nd edition: The Frank Meeink Story as Told to Jody M. Roy, Ph.D
Frank Meeink 
& Jody M. Roy, Ph.D
Introduction by Elizabeth Wurtzel
Available September 2017
444 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 978-0-9790188-2-4

The moon was full and it was the February that it didn’t snow. I had my flannel pajamas on and my loafer socks, and I was in the bathroom looking into the mirror watching myself brush my teeth after One Man’s Family on the radio but before the rosary, when my mother walked through the hallway with the wallpaper that had the butterflies and the dice on it. She went past the bathroom door in her green kimono with that look on her face, her left eye cockeyed. I spit—the white toothpaste turned pink with my blood—then rinsed my mouth and the sink. By the time I got to the kitchen I could feel it too.
The kitchen door was open and so was the screen. The screen door’s spring had been disconnected for winter and without that spring to snug it back into home, the door drifted between open and closed, lost on its hinges. My mother was standing out by the gate by the time I got to the kitchen. That gate was unlatched and drifting too, like the screen door. My mother’s hair blew back off her face. She’d stood herself into the wind—wind that was blowing from a direction it had never blown from before. And the wind was warm, which was something new—something it had never been. Not in February.
“Chinook,” my mother said softly, almost so soft I couldn’t hear, and then she crossed herself. “Chinook,” she said again, this time loud enough for the sky and moon. She said the word this second time as if calling out to some long-lost friend whose name she had forgotten, then suddenly remembered. But the chinook was no friend; it was the name for the strange wind blowing. And by November, everything that had been stirred up and blown around by that chinook since February was all settled back down again. And all was finished up.
But nothing was ever the same.
That woman Sugar Babe was dead, and Harold P. Endicott was dead next, and then the nigger was dead. Always in threes, death, my mother would say, then cross herself. Between the drought and that year of the chinook, by November we were all finished up too—let go of, unlatched. The house got burned down, and the barn too, along with the toolshed and most of our stuff, and we lost the farm for good.
The chinook lasted all the next day and night until the morning after. When I got up that third day, my mother looked like her old self again. The whole time that the chinook blew on us my mother was a mess. That’s what my father said to her, You’re a mess, he said, because she couldn’t cook normal. My father’s eggs were hard and his mush was burnt and we had tuna casserole for supper when it wasn’t even Friday. That whole chinook time my mother didn’t put her hair up in the day and comb it out for my father at suppertime or put lipstick on or wear her clean apron over her red housedress when it came time to get things done. Besides the cooking, my father said my mother was a mess because she had just let herself go. Mom, my father said to her, just take a good look at yourself. You’re just letting yourself go.
Hawks blew in the second morning of the Chinook and perched in the poplars in front of our house. My mother watched them from the front window—crossing herself and watching them the whole day. That night we prayed the rosary, her mixing up the sorrowful mysteries with the glorious ones, eyes still on the poplars, though you couldn’t make out a single bird or branch past dark.
The following morning the hawks were gone, my mother was back, normal, getting the eggs right and roast beef for supper. But those hawks showed up again, not in the poplars in front of the house, but in the stand of cottonwood trees up the river—not that I said anything to my mother about the hawks showing up there.

The red flags that hung on the fence were made out of old flour sacks cut into triangle shapes and dyed in Rit by my mother. My father hung the red flags from the barbed wire, one every mile for the four miles that our road traveled to the main road to town. My mother and my father did that with the red flags long before the chinook. In fact, those red flags hung there on that fence maybe even before I was around. I never asked, but I don’t ever remember the red flags not hanging there marking the distance.
At the second flag you came to, there were three miles left before you got to the house, and right there, at the second red flag, the ground went down. On that slope you could see on both sides of you for just about forever. It was a plateau caused by the river going down slowly over the centuries to the place where it is now, the Portneuf River—a river, at its widest, no wider than double the width of the main road to town.
Standing there at the second flag and looking down onto the valley, you felt like you were standing on the world and the world was in endless space, which is the case—I know—but standing there you really got the sense that you were standing on a round ball. You had to lean back to keep your balance, to keep from falling forward and off. Either that or you got the feeling that the world was as flat as a cookie sheet with a ripple in it and the sky was just a big dome. At night God punched holes in the dome with a needle that were stars. But in either case, whether you were leaning back so as not to fall off the ball, or if you were lying flat on the cookie sheet with the ripple in it under the big dome, whatever, the sky was the thing; the unstoppable sky was the thing.
There was sky everywhere: outside the windows, under the beds, between the ceiling and the floor there was sky. There was sky between your fingers when you spread them, and sky under your arms when you lifted them up. Sky around your neck and ears and head, and sky pressing against your eyeballs. When you took a breath you were breathing sky. Sky was in your lungs. My mother hung up wash across the sky. I swung in my swing through the sky. There was no escaping it. The sky was as everywhere as the nuns at the St. Joseph’s School said God was. Only the ground stopped it, and even then it didn’t stop there. It was all an illusion, like Mr. Energy, that magician at the Blackfoot State Fair, said. Everything was an illusion according to him. I used to get scared at night just thinking about it: what if everything—everything that was familiar to me, everything I knew—was an illusion and what I was really doing was hanging in thin air, like the earth was hanging in thin air, like I could see the moon hanging up there in the sky, a round ball just out there with nothing solid to hold it in place.
Besides the sky and the graveled road and the fence with the red triangles hanging on it, and the power lines, and the fence on the other side of the road, this is what you could see from the second flag up there on the plateau: you could see the road, straight as an arrow. Mormons built that road, which is the only thing Mormons are good at besides having kids, my mother would say, crossing herself: making things straight. That road went straight to the river, but never crossed it because Matisse County was low on funds for a bridge. The fences on both sides of the road were just as straight as the road. Mormons built them too, I figured. On the other side of the fences, there was barley planted, or sugar beets, or spuds, or alfalfa, depending on the rotation. But it was always green, on the other side of the fences—in the spring, that is—and after that things got gold and brown, but mostly brown, and especially that year.
You could see our house sticking up out of the world like the tip of a sword that pierced the round ball and stuck out just that far on the other side. You could see the barn too, broad and tall. Looked more like a castle to me, brick, and heavy, not like the sky.
You could see the toolshed. In the sun, the tin square toolshed with its sloping roof was so bright you couldn’t look at it. Sometimes I used to think that the toolshed in the sun—sky all around it—was like God. You couldn’t bear to look. And even if you could, you couldn’t see. And that long, cool rectangle of shade from the barn was Jesus. By the end of the day, Jesus always cooled down God enough so you could look at Him. Sometimes the toolshed was Communism and the shadow of the barn creeping toward it was America. And sometimes the toolshed was the Mormons and the shadow of the barn was Catholicism. Sometimes the toolshed was my father, and my mother the shadow.

Cover of Faraway Places
Faraway Places
Tom Spanbauer 
Introduction by A.M. Homes
Available April 2008
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-8-0

This is the story of an eye, and how it came into its own.

“You were perfect, when you first came out,” my mother insisted. But between the moment of my birth and her next inspection I suffered an injury to my right eye. How it occurred is a mystery. Some blunder made in handling was all she would murmur - drops, doctors, nurses, vagueness: “These things happen.”

My mother probably didn’t know the details of the eye injury - if it was an injury - for it would have been sacrilege for her to have questioned a doctor at that time and in that place, Brooklyn on the eve of war, a locus of customs and mythologies as arbitrary and rooted as in the Trobriand Islands or the great Aztec city of Teotihuac†n where ritual sacrifices were performed monthly, the victims’ blood coursing down the steps of the great Pyramid of the Sun. In comparison, my damage was minor.

Her vagueness still puzzled me, though, because her favorite retort, when she suspected me of lying, was “To thine own self be true.” As it happened, lying was not my style; I leaned more towards omission. But she was canny; she knew when something was missing or out of kilter. So did I, and so I found her phrase suspicious. “To thine own self be true,” on her lips, meant that though I might persist in lying to her, I had better be honest with myself. Yet she used it to pry out the truth, the whole truth. Shouldn’t she have investigated the matter of the eye, likewise, to be true to herself?

(“Not she. Don’t call her she,” I can already hear my father interrupting, not understanding that the “she” is a form of warlike intimacy, referring to someone so close she doesn’t require a noun, someone on the embattled ground between first and third person, self and other. “Call her your mother.” Very well, my mother.)

Only much later did I find that those words referred to quite a different sort of fidelity, to not bending your identity out of shape to fit the fashion. But by that time I was light years out of Brooklyn. I was becoming an actress. I was playing Polonius’s daughter.

I never broached the subject with my father, such matters not being, as he might put it, in his “department.” Also, he needed to be right in everything he undertook, and bristled at any hint of error or bungling. His department covered money and cars and going to work. I knew about the money part, for as far back as I could remember he would sit down after dinner at his small desk in the dining room, a desk that looked almost too small for him to fit his knees under, and I would stand beside him, jiggling the metal handles on the drawers, wordless but beseeching, till he pulled me up onto his lap. With arms reaching around me, he would go through mail, tear open envelopes, leaf through papers, and write. What was he doing?

He explained what bills were. “You should pay a bill the same day you receive it. Why wait?”

He would write out a check in his gallant, illegible writing - so that forever after I considered illegible writing a sign of masculinity and sophistication - put it in a small white envelope, dart his tongue across the wide V of the flap, pound it shut on the desk with his fist - the vibrations thumped excitedly through my body - and affix a stamp. Then he would tear up the remaining bits of paper littering the desk. Once in a while he even tore up an envelope unopened. He tore it across, then tore two or three more times with fierce gusts of energy, and threw the scraps in the wastebasket under the desk.

“Why do you have to tear it up?”

“It’s garbage.”

“I know, but why do you have to tear it up? Why can’t you just throw it away?”

He looked at me in startled, confused pleasure, as if I had cunningly put my finger on one of the profound and inexplicable contradictions at the heart of things, as if I had asked why is there suffering in the world or why do men constantly make war if they say they want peace. He tousled my hair and had no answer, which surprised me because he usually did.

I minded the mystery of the eye more than the eye itself. I craved an exotic story to tell, a label by which I might be known. At school there was Carlotta Kaplowitz, famed for her dark beauty and wondrous name - one of the few girls not named Barbara or Susan or Carol or Judy - who contracted polio. When she returned months later on crutches, scattering true medical tales like favors, she was lionized in the playground. Polio was dramatic, though Carlotta’s case, like Hans Castorp’s tuberculosis, was mild - she would walk again. Another girl, one of the Carols, stayed home for a whole term with an unnamed ailment. I brought her the class assignments. How enviously I breathed the musty, invalid air of the shaded room where she sat propped up on pillows, her every need attended to by her scurrying mother, like a Victorian heroine enervated by vocation, like Elizabeth Barrett before she met Browning.

The iris of my right eye was smaller than that of the left. And at the top of the sphere, the part you couldn’t see unless the lid was raised, was a milky, blurry patch, a scar. It was as if someone had painted an eye and smudged the upper rim, giving it an unfinished look, then was called away from the easel - an emergency, a long trip - and never came back.

The smudging was not all. Because of a weak muscle, the iris, of its own volition and at unpredictable times, would drift from its resting place to float - I almost wrote “flee” - beneath the upper lid for a few seconds, leaving blank white space. A wandering eye, it is aptly called. Restless, bored with the banality of what is presented, it escapes to the private darkness beneath the lid, with the wild dancing colors. Soon it drifts back and attends to its duties, not being totally irresponsible. Much of the time no one would know about its little trip, just as no one knows about the secret journeys or aberrations of anyone else.

The eye was of scant use in seeing what had to be seen in daily life in Brooklyn. It was made for another sort of vision. By legal standards it was a blind eye, yet it did see in its idiosyncratic way - shapes and colors and motion, all in their true configurations except all turned to fuzz. Its world was a Seurat painting, with the bonds hooking the molecules all severed, so that no object really cohered; the separate atoms were lined up next to one another, their union voluntary, not fated. This made the world, through my right eye, a tenuous place where the common, reasonable laws of physics did not apply, where a piece of face or the leg of a table or frame of a window might at any moment break off and drift away. I could tease and tempt the world, squinting my left eye shut and watching things disintegrate, and when I was alone my delight was to play with the visible world this way, breaking it down and putting it back together. I had secret vision and knowledge of the components of things, of thevolatile nature of things before they congeal, of the tenuousness and vulnerability of all things, unknown to those with common binary vision who saw the world of a piece, with a seamless skin like the skin of a sausage holdingthings together. My right eye removed the skin of the visible world.

Cover of Leaving Brooklyn
Leaving Brooklyn
Lynne Sharon Schwartz 
Introduction by Ursula Hegi
Available September 2007
164 pp. + cover
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-4-8

Jimmy Yamamoto and I had been successful in Los Angeles but were far better musicians than the others and had decided to try something different, something unique. We arrived in Japan on the edge of the decade, 1941. Our Japanese agent called himself Ike and had his whole family out to meet us. Ike was a young and jubilant man, a boy, like ourselves. Jimmy’d found him through an advertisement, and it turned out we were his sole clients. Ike had put an ad in the American Musicians’ News only because he’d run across the application form wrapped around some peppermint candies that he’d purchased at an international bazaar. Through his desire not to be typical, Ike had apparently fallen in love with American music, a fact that was severely inhibiting his interest in family affairs. But once Ike got us he was active. He told us that there was a band for us to join, men for us to meet. “I’ve got jobs,” he said. “An agent’s worth is only in the contacts he can make.”
From the very beginning, from that first day, Ike encouraged Jimmy in the courtship of his sister. His was a close family; it seemed constantly together. Yet I thought I could sense that Ike was a little at odds with them, was looking for ways to challenge the awful expectancy of tradition. His family all talked a fast kind of “real” Japanese, which was difficult for us to follow, but Ike’s sister was beautiful, and Jimmy jumped at the chance to walk with her, his trumpet in a bag at his side. Ike’s sister’s name was Kazuko, and right away I could tell that I liked her better than Jimmy did. Ike had found us lodging near his house, and whenever Jimmy and Kazuko went for walks I did my best to go along with them. It was I who acted the part of the unwanted brother. We had only just begun to play music and there was nothing else to do.
One day, just a week after our arrival, Ike went across Tokyo in search of bookings and Jimmy and Kazuko and I went for a quiet stroll in the garden of a Buddhist temple near her house. The clouds were high and the path was empty, but before we had gone too far a calico kitten came to us, a man with a missing finger running after it. “Here, kitty,” said Kazuko, for the man with the missing finger had a sack full of cats, all clamoring to get out.
The man stopped when he saw us, but soon he came up and, pointing his stub, made us imagine the missing finger and look where it led us. “That’s my cat,” he said. “Hand it over.”
Kazuko quickly put the kitten inside her cool summer gown. “Let’s go,” she said, linking Jimmy’s little finger with her own.
By this time I had come up close enough to hear and was smiling at the sight of a casual encounter with a fellow Buddhist there on the perfect path. “Good afternoon,” I said, nodding over their shoulders at the man. “We’ve just arrived from America.”
“I want that cat,” the guy said quietly, his Japanese leaving me a little behind.
We all stood silently for a few seconds, then Jimmy took Kazuko’s arm and turned her back the way we’d come. Jimmy had a certain air about him that made the man stand still. Jimmy’s moustache, meager though it was, was rare in Japan for a man his age. I still hadn’t sensed very well the strangeness of the situation and stayed facing the fellow until Jimmy and Kazuko had walked away.
“You think I can’t get through you, you little shit,” the guy said, walking right up to me.
“What?”
I could understand what the man was saying all right, but I had no idea what it meant. Had Kazuko really stolen his cat?
“Maybe I didn’t make myself clear,” he said, then he leaned against me and slowly stuck a knife a half-inch or so into my abdomen.
The guy took his time taking the knife away, and while he waited I stood on tiptoes and felt the blade slide sideways. “See you later,” he finally said, laughing and letting me down. “You can keep the cat.”
When he left I turned to look for my two friends, then slowly sat down. There was moisture all about my middle, and it took a minute, after I began to yell, for Jimmy to hear me and hurry back to help. Kazuko cried when she saw my wound and the kitten laid its head on the edge of her obi to see what was going on. “Japan is not this way!” Kazuko said.
“Christ, man,” said Jimmy. “You can still play, can’t you? Where are you hurt?”
“My stomach,” I said. “Why did you take the man’s cat?”
Kazuko knelt by my side and whispered. “He was a member of the yakuza class, a criminal. He would have fattened the cat up just to skin it and sell its hide for the making of a shamisen.”
“Can you walk?” Jimmy asked. “Can you stand?” While I sat on the path I kept my hands cupped about my wound, afraid to pull my shirt up to see what damage was actually done. Though the blood was warm at the center of the wound it was cold about its edges.
“I don’t want anything coming out,” I told them. “If I stand up something might slip.”
Jimmy began unbuttoning my shirt from the bottom, his unpracticed hands shaking. Kazuko cried and paced in a small circle around us and finally said, “I will go to the temple building. The priests there will know what to do.”
She started to hurry off, but came back quickly and crouched beside me, the kitten, calm and curious, sitting in the center of her two hands.
“Here,” she said. “You’ve got to keep it. You’ve saved its life.”
She sat the calico cat on the curve of my knee then set out again toward the Buddhist building at the center of the temple grounds. The cat could smell the blood and was interested enough to stay where she had put it.
“It’s not too bad,” Jimmy said, peering inside my parted shirt. “It’s crooked, shaped like an L, I think, though there is too much blood to be sure. There’s a little line coming up from the outside which might make it look more like a u.”
I grimaced as he chatted on, more demonstrative than ever before, interested in my wound, in the line the blade made, the design of it. I could see Kazuko running, cutting across the paths, her clothes bunched in her hands and held high enough to allow for longer steps. She ran around a pond, then slowed as she ascended the steep steps and disappeared into the dark mouth of the building.
There was a lot of blood on my clothes. Jimmy jumped up and then sat back down again. “Do you feel all right?” he wanted to know. “You’re not going to faint or anything, are you?”

Cover of Soldiers in Hiding
Soldiers in Hiding
Richard Wiley 
Introduction by Wole Soyinka
Available September 2006
5.5 × 9 in.
Sewn in wraps, with 4" double-scored flaps. Matte-laminated.
ISBN 0-9766311-3-X